Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for February, 2015

Our Sons

Adopted Number 3 Son is home for the weekend.  The boys are thrilled about this and with him they have played outside at their snow forts, Legos, XBox, eaten pancakes, sausage, and bacon, resolved about 20 fights peacefully because A#3Son said to be cool, and have followed every direction he gave them.  If only Hubby and I were as cool as him.

This visit will perk both boys.  Particularly Younger Son who has been dealing with a bully at school.  And I do not use that term lightly.  There have been meetings with the Assistant Principal and Guidance Counselor, seating arrangements have been changed, and sadly there are multiple students who have brought this issue to the administration’s attention.  The good news is the school is working with the boy, and truly hearing what my son has reported.  Still Younger Son does not want to go to school.  He’s tired of being anxious and nervous wondering when the kid will taunt him next.  This visit will provide a lovely confidence booster.  And remind him that he matters and is an awesome kid.

Read Full Post »

Long ago, in the time of John Hughes’ movies, a friend of mine had the coolest family room in his house.  It was simply called the pit.  It had a television and a never-ending couch.  Literally, it was like a big square couch that filled one entire end of the room.  It was a place to hang out. It was a room away from the kitchen, where his parents usually were hanging out so the “grown-ups” weren’t hanging on every word, but you also knew they could walk in at any minute.

I didn’t spend a ton of time in the pit, but enough time that it never quite left my memory.  I always thought it would be cool to give my sons a similar space so that they could hang out without us hanging on every word.  A space for playing their video games or watching Netflix without me telling them to “turn it down”.  We have a family room type space downstairs that has really been in limbo wondering what it’s true purpose would be.  We now know.  It’s the 21st century Pit, which the boys have dubbed “The Cave”.

Now, we’re blessed that our sons are happy with the simple things in life.  We have primarily hand-me-down furniture in our home.  Which is fine by me.  I don’t have to cry when they spill something on it-it came pre-loved.  So far in the cave are these storage cabinets from Hubby’s childhood room, an entertainment center from our neighbor’s, a televisions from the same neighbors, and one of those benches with the cubbies in the bottom to store gaming stuff.  Powering the fun is the Xbox 360-gateway to games and Netflix.  Well, they boys are happy with simple things, but have been asking if they could get somewhere better to sit.

Those fantastic neighbors, who are better than we probably deserve, texted me tonight and asked if we could find a purpose for their old couch from their family room.  Boys, I’ve got you some awesome seats now.  The Pit…sorry, The Cave is truly taking shape.  Even without me having replaced the floors yet.

The Cave is a wonderful thing.  It’s helping the boys transition from their older boys to young men phase of life.  There are a ton of toys down there in bins, but they are ready to let them go knowing it will pave the way for The Cave.  I don’t want them to grow up too fast, but it is inevitable.  If we can make it as safe and fun as possible, they’ll appreciate it one day.  And with great friends furnishing their teen years (which are right around the corner), they’ll start finding their way.

In 1985 I saw The Breakfast Club and it shaped the rest of my life.  I always related best to the character that Ally Sheedy played, those who knew me in high school will understand why.  Anyway, Allison has one of the greatest lines ever.  “It’s inevitable.  When you grow up, your heart just dies.  Bender says “who cares” and Allison responds “I care.”  I have made sure that I never fully grew up so my heart wouldn’t die.  And I want that for my sons.  The Cave will help keep them young.

Read Full Post »

I think I owe you an apology.  You have a trickier path to walk than I did.  In all areas of life it seems.  As a child, I played at the playground without worry of “stranger danger”.  I slid down impossibly steep metal slides that burned your ass on the way down, swung on swings with rusty, non-vinyl covered chains, and rode on the merry-go-round as long as the older kids would push it around.  I had four channels to pick from and it was everything in the world to wait for 8:00 on Saturday night to see who would be the special guest stars on The Love Boat.  I was alive for the birth of the “blockbuster” and movies were still such an event since they didn’t release new ones every week demanding your attention and dollars.  And I had John Hughes movies.

When I played with my friends it wasn’t an event called a “play-date” with pre-planned snacks, keeping in mind everyone’s allergies. Sure I still was playing with the occasional lead painted toy and went to an elementary school stuffed full with asbestos, but everyone has their challenges.

Now every generation thinks the generation before them just doesn’t understand them, and I think that’s true and part of how one becomes an adult.  That process of discovering that for all our differences, we’re really very much the same.  The cool part is though that the “younger generation” does get stuff just a little bit differently, a little bit better, because their parents are raising them just a little bit differently than their own parents.  The difference for you, and the aspect I didn’t have to deal with, was being labeled a generation so young.

They came up with the name for my generation late in my growing up time and they didn’t even know what we were yet so they just labeled us X.  So in one sense, at least you got a defining name.  Although for me, personally, not being able to be defined is just lovely.  We were a transition generation possibly more so than others.  They say we don’t feel like a generation, “even though they are one”.  We had the Vietnam war and the Cold War.  We had some tragic events, but not like the earlier generations.  And while technology was making leaps and bounds, social media was an infant.

I knew MTV when they actually played music videos.  You had MTV1, MTV2, and MTV3, and they mostly played reality shows.  We didn’t have “smart” classrooms and we still diagrammed sentences.  We were the last of the standard skill and drill education.  I listened to my favorite radio station and hoped to hear my favorite song.  You had MP3 players and satellite radio with stations dedicated to specific music.

We were also the last to grow up without being defined while we doing the growing up.  I do not envy you the load you carry.  You have taken standardized tests forever and have been surveyed more than other generations, at least to my humble knowledge.  I would be sick of filling in the little round bubbles too.  I had to know my social security number because it was the magic key to all things at college.  Your social security number is protected by the “student ID #”, lest there is a really good hacker.  Your parents have tried to give you everything, and, in the process, you may have missed some key paths on the road to adulthood.

I know this doesn’t apply to all of you.  I know you get frustrated by being lumped together.  I know you are not afraid of challenges.  I know you want to solve the problem on your own, but your mom logged into your college learning management system and emailed the professor before you had a chance to go to the office hours and discuss the situation.  I know you are more comfortable texting and using social media with your friends than I am.  I know you are also perfectly capable of holding a lovely conversation about a wider variety of topics than I could at your age.

You are more world-aware than I was in my teens and twenties.  Hell, in my teens, the only world awareness I had was the 80s British New Wave invasion and what I learned from Live Aid.  But I didn’t have the world at my fingertips through Google.  I had newspapers, magazines, and the very powerful MTV news delivered by those beloved VJs.  I can’t imagine how tired you must feel at times trying to determine where to give your attention to and for how long and with how much passion.

We were talking about you tonight at church.  How do we share with you the ways in which we, the church, are still relevant in your life?  How do we share with you that not all churches are fundamentalist churches?  How do we share with you that we could be a meaningful part of your life?  I better stop there with the questions…don’t like to abuse the rhetorical question device.

I look at my sons.  Their mom is a Gen Xer and their dad is a Baby Boomer.  They have already been dubbed Generation Z.  I know the term helicopter parent only too well so I avoid being that as much as possible.  I tell my youngest when he gets his little league trophy that he’s getting it for showing up.  I don’t want him to think that there are only winners.  I want them both to learn how to cope with losing now so they have time to develop that skill.  I want my sons to know that you have to earn things, learn things.  I know you know that too, Millennial, but we forget that sometimes because we’re trying to catch up and absorb things the way you do.  You have always had multiple media outlets to compare and use to shape your views, in addition to what your family has shaped in you.  I still turn to an encyclopedia first-and then remember I could Google it.  Maybe we don’t want to be left behind as you forge ahead in this very different world that isn’t that different.  Maybe we think it’s so different because it’s not the same as what I, and the generations before, had access to.  To you, it’s perfectly normal to Google something.  It’s your first resource.  To me, I have to remind myself.  To the older generations, they may not even own a computer and are still wondering why they now have to pay so much money for cable just to watch the local news.

Information is power…when I was little, knowledge was power and I learned it every Saturday morning when School House Rock played in between Saturday morning cartoons (the only day the good cartoons were on…no Cartoon Network).  But information has replaced knowledge, I fear.  Actually, my fear is that a little information has replaced knowledge.  But I didn’t grow up in your world.  I grew up in the heyday of broadcast television, event movies, and newspapers for that serious stuff in life.

We sort of slipped by the bean counters.  But man, Millennial, they love counting beans related to you.  I’m sorry that fell to your shoulders.  I suppose the information highway helped with that.  While I was playing Space Invaders on my Atari, they got the World Wide Web ready for you.  And it got filled up fast.  And they started watching you like hawks.  How do they interact with ______?  How do they interact with each other with _______?  It’s no wonder you text each other while sitting next to each other-at least no one will ask you about what you are texting about and why and when and what for….

So gentle Millennial, chin up.  You’re starting to look more and more like an adult to us…the ones who like to study you.  And a bunch of us, Gen X, Boomer, Greatest, and GI generations combined, are less interested in studying you and instead simply getting to know you. So come inside.  Get to know us.  I promise- no survey bubbles up my sleeve.  Talk with us.  Have a conversation.  Help us learn how to not pigeon-hole Generation Z.  Help us learn from our very recent history how to not drive away the very ones we’re trying to make it better for.

Love,

A Gen Xer

Read Full Post »

It was when I was 43 that I realized my obsession with Sex and the City had lasted for 15 years.  I began watching this show during my first marriage.  That was long over.  The show lasted far longer than that and spawned two movies.  Now Carrie and the girls had become my eternal contact to single life and adventure that would never be achieved in my life.

Now I never wanted to live in New York City.  Really.  I’m not just saying that because I could never afford it.  Also I am way too scared to love there, though I did live in Philly during college.  I also feel like I could live in Boston, but NYC, never.  Too small.  Too crowded.  And I don’t have the wardrobe for it.  I suppose if you are independently wealthy or have your grandmother’s rent controlled apartment, you could have a nice life in NYC.

I love the life I live.  My husband is wonderful.  He makes me laugh, and he’s my best friend.  We have amazing sons.  They crack me up.  We do have adventures.  Just a dinner with my husband’s baked beans proves to be an adventure.

Still, the escapism Sex and the City offers is too tempting to ignore.  What if I could spend hundreds of dollars on shoes?  What if Miranda and Charlotte didn’t insult me in the second movie with the throw away line about admiring women who manage it without full time help?  Sometimes the shit they complain about is ridiculous and even more first world problems than I complain about, but I love the escapism.  It’s riskier than I would ever be in my life and so it’s like a giant fantasy world.  It’s a cartoon for grown ups.

Still, when did I become so obsessed?  I’m overly fixated on Sex and the City and the “clean” version, Friends.  Man, was that an incestuous group.  Phoebe is my favorite.  I feel I am a kindred spirit to her.  Definitely as ditzy as her at times-though I think she may have been the true brains of that group when you think about it.

Watching these shows helps me to escape the crappy commercials that target me.  Really, juice pouch commercials pitching women against each other as to who is the cool mom?  Fuck you.  Isn’t it hard enough to be a good mom and raise good kids without a fucking juice pouch making me feel like crap if I don’t chaperone every field trip?  Sadly, the commercial is spot on.  I see those women all the time when I’m chaperoning the field trip…oh shit.

So I escape with Carrie and the gals.  Their ladies night out is racier than mine but I do have one coming up.  PTA fundraiser, biggest of the year…oh shit.  Damn you, juice pouch commercial.

How does it happen that this PTA stuff and juice box phenomenon take over?  It seeps into the brain and becomes the mentality.  This is what I wanted in life–I wanted the happy marriage, kids, dog, six cats, four fish, and two bearded dragons.  No picket fence.  We’re a corner property and the zoning makes it really difficult to have a nice fence, so we didn’t bother.  I’m trying to work on the yard this year.  A bit more landscapy-ish than it is, but the backyard is still a lost cause. The boys are digging for a fossil.  Somewhere along the line I became a mom.  Everything shifted.

It just slips in there.  When you are least expecting it, your whole focus becomes your kids.  Your family.  And somehow I got swept up in the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality.  That’s got to end.  Our house is very cluttered.  My one friend calls it the house of chaos.  It is.  My husband’s practice is in the bottom of the house, so during the day the door is constantly opening and closing, lots of random voices, people using the restroom.  Someone once asked the boys if it was weird for them and they said no.  Why would it be?  It’s the normal childhood they’ve grown up with.

Cluttered house…not as neat and tidy as some would have a house be.  We LIVE in our house and it is a home.  I’d love to not have to step on Legos, pick up socks every day, and remind the boys not to pee on the toilet seat, but this is our house.  At least for another decade or so.  Then it will seem quiet and empty once the boys are grown.  So I need to savor it now.

But then I watch SATC or Friends and see the people with their tidy homes, organized days, and calm and breezy approach to life.  I want that too.  Am i just lazy beyond all belief?  Am I spending too much time watching those shows?  Would my house be less cluttered if I got off of my ass, turned off the television, and cleaned?  Yes…but after working all day, I just want to hang with my family, throw in a load of laundry, and chill out.

Read Full Post »