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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Three things

First thing. I wandered back into denial about my dad being dead.  Just been hanging in a place where I’ve been comfortably numb.  Now while I did cry at every holiday-related event from Halloween through New Year’s, it was not a loud, unattractive sobbing, but simply a weeping (most of the time).  I lost it a bit at the youth group retreat because the giant bear in the lobby had the same ribbon that I had picked for my father’s Christmas decoration at the cemetery.  And we had to drive through the scene of his accident on the sixth month-iversary to get home.  But I was in a car with my son, his friend, and my pastor, so I kept it quiet and muffled.  Then tonight at the annual meeting at church I really read the annual reports.  There in the pastor’s report, the funerals he presided over.  And my dad’s name in black and white. Huge ugly sobbing crying all the way home (like the littlest piggy).  Thankfully, the boys went with Hubby to Poppop’s house after the meeting so they didn’t see or hear me crying about Bearpaw.

Second thing. Ahhhhhhhhhh…that’s me exhaling.  I quit my job three weeks ago and started my new job the very next week.  Such a wonderful difference.  I truly miss the people from department at my old job and the pirates, but ahhhhhhhhhhhh.  I spend my days now working with words and it is lovely.  It is quiet.  It is focused.  There’s a snack table.  Hubby made banana bread the other day for the table and it was gone by 11am.  Someone brought in bagels this morning. And there are Girl Scout cookies everywhere.  And I work with words all day.  I can get my geek on and it’s cool, because everyone is doing the same.

Third thing.  I wrote a post for my blog.  And it feels so good to be writing again.  I haven’t enjoyed writing for about a year.  I missed it and I was angry about that.  But by the time I got home each night I didn’t have any freakin’ energy.  My blood pressure was up, I’ve got about 60 pounds to lose, and I was just angry all the time when I got home from work.  I barely had time and energy for real interactions with my family.  I certainly didn’t want to write anything down.  And now I do.

Three things.

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Dead Grandmas

I had a pretty rough day at work.  Then when I got home I learned I had a dead grandma.

At work, I called Hubby during lunch and on the way to my car.  The second call I was crying  and he was freaked out a bit.  I told him I was fine and just wanted him to know I was leaving so amazingly late.  I was worried I had messed up other stuff we were supposed to do.

Once I was home, I said hello to Hubby, the boys, cats, and walked the dog.  Next I vented some more about work to Hubby.  Then I finally called my dad because he had been leaving messages on every phone except my work phone.  My dad likes to converse.  When you call him you need to know that you have at least thirty minutes or so because he enjoys a good conversation.  I love this about him.

Tonight’s call only lasted 17 minutes because he was calling to tell me that my maternal grandmother died two days ago.

I don’t know how I feel about this.  The last time I saw her was in Logan Airport back in 1985.  I told her off because she was being so mean to my great-grandmother.  I loved my great-grandmother a lot.  I didn’t like her being treated badly.  I can’t say I’ve thought a lot about my grandmother in the years that have passed.  After that day at the airport, when she wrote to my mother she would only ask about my siblings, never me.  My mother cut off contact within a few years of that situation.

In my grandfather’s obituary, besides being survived by my grandmother, he was survived by my uncles.  My mother wasn’t included nor were her children.

My grandmother was listed in her boyfriend’s obituary too.  Her boyfriend died before my grandfather.  Yeah, think about that.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

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Night owls need to work in the middle of the night every now and then just to get their mojo back.  At least, that is what works for me.  I found a Christopher Guest movie on demand, A Mighty Wind, and, in two hours, I knocked out a ton of work that has been put on the back burner over and over at work.  Not one of these tasks was overly difficult but needed just a bit of brain power and concentration to accomplish.  But to find five minutes at work when I’m not interrupted is the challenge.

Keep in mind, the interruptions at work are my favorite part of the job.  Interruptions at my job are students who come into my office seeking help, a safe space to decompress, or candy.  Interruptions are tutors who want advice on what to do with their lives.  Interruptions are colleagues who need to share an “aha” moment or vent so they can put on a “Pop” face and finish the day.  The interruptions are the human connection of my job and they are my favorite parts.  They beat the pants off of reports, statistical analysis, or reading through dozens of emails.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty good at those parts too, but my favorite parts of the job are the students.

This semester my approach is it’ll happen when it does and keep it fun.  Mostly this approach is because of the weather.  No one wants to walk around campus in the cold and snow so we’re off to a slow start.  As I walk around campus, I am reminded of “Strawberry Spring”, a lovely short story from Uncle Stevie.  I do not want the plot from this story to happen on my campus, but the snow reminds me of it.  The campus does have a beautiful, creepy feel to it at the moment.

Speaking of Uncle Stevie, I am working on creating a training for my pirates (the writing tutors) from his book On Writing.  We’ve started Twitter and Instagram accounts and the ball will start rolling on those.  We’ll also be starting a blog.  These will be primarily megalomaniacal in nature because getting people to follow you is near impossible, but it’s fun and a good experience for when the tutors get into the “REAL” world.

It’ll happen when it does and keep it fun.  Kind of like my blog.

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working out of my house if I had an episode again?  Wow.  That’s a doozy of a question.  I’ve never worked a full time type of job with other coworkers while having an episode.  How the heck would that go?  Would I be able to balance it all?  Or would a particular part of life suffer?  I would really hope I would be able to summon up the strength to manage throughout the day but not at the cost of not managing at home.  The episode I had a few years ago was quite manageable since I worked from home and the boys were so young.

I really hope I wouldn’t feel so drained by the end of the workday that I had nothing left for my sons and Hubby.  I really hope I wouldn’t try to process all of the feelings and energies of the episode in the few hours I get with them each day.  I hope that I wouldn’t be walking around angry with my coworkers all day, but I also know I couldn’t be that way.  Not quite what you want at the office.  I know that they are standards and protocols that are easy enough to follow at work, even in an episode, I think I could keep up appearances until it passed.  But would I then be so exhausted by the time I drove the 30 miles home?  (Another thing I don’t handle well when in an episode is driving-avoid it if at all possible, which clearly would not be possible since I would still have to go to work!)  Would I be  so tired that I would lose my patience with my sons?  Would the adage of hurting the ones you love come true?  Would I put so much energy and effort out during the day that I would have nothing left and have a quick temper?  Would I not be able to listen to their stories of their days with an open ear?  Would I be in zombie mode?

How would I handle sleep now?  I could sleep whenever before, but now I would have to be awake at work.  It’s a friendly environment, but I think napping on the desk is frowned upon.  I suppose I would just have to let certain thinks go at home to get the extra rest.  Oh, but then the OCD of not doing things at home could possible drive me up new and exciting walls.  Some semblance of normalcy would have to be maintained!

Anyway…the brain clearly wants to wonder about this stuff right now and the best way for me to handle that is to let it wander in the wonderings.

 

 

 

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