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Posts Tagged ‘hubby’

Oh dear gentle reader(s), if there are any of you left. 2020 has been quite a year. And for me it marks my half-century. I look at my sons regularly wondering how they can be 15 and 17 years old, how does one of them have a driver’s license? And where did my little babies go? It’s natural as a parent to reflect on the passage of time for their children. And as I spoke with my dad today I realized as he said, jokingly, “50? One of my kids is 50?” that I am feeling what he has been feeling for years.

And as I am the type to reflect, I thought about hitting the mid-century mark.

First, I’m quite thrilled to be on top of the ground and not under it. Second, I am so glad to be with Hubby and sons to celebrate it.

I had planned to do a girls’ getaway to New Orleans to mark the occasion. Total Hallmark movie plans, rent a little house, be tourists, long talks till the wee morning hours about life and all the things that girls like to talk about when they gather in their little covens.

That clearly didn’t happen.

Tonight I suspect we will eat homemade Hershey’s chocolate cake made by Hubby. Then I think we will watch a Halloween movie because I have been derelict in that this season, much to Younger Son’s disappointment. The house is decorated, inside and out, costumes are almost done being sewn, but we haven’t read a word of Poe nor watched any scary movies. But it’s 2020.

And that is the fatigue I am feeling. I have gotten quite comfy with blaming the year. I haven’t accomplished some great project, written the great American novel, or even written regularly for this. What have I been doing this year? What have I been doing my whole life? And I realized, I’ve been living it. I’ve been enjoying it, the little things, the big things. I’ve walked through sadness and grief. I’ve laughed my ass off. I’ve watched in awe as my sons have grown up. I’ve loved and laughed for twenty years with Hubby.

I’ve lived with schizophrenia and not let it control what I do. I am fighting my fears about dementia and its history in my family. I’ve walked a path of advocacy that my sons can follow no matter what the reason they need to advocate for themselves. I’ve been scared, I’ve been relieved, I’ve been probably every emotion we humans have ever named.

I try to make sense of everything that is going on in the world. It overwhelms one. But I do try. I reflect inward to try to examine myself as that is where I can start change. I look at how I can shape my sons, I look at how life passes from one generation to the next.

And the soundtrack to all of this is from that last place I would have guessed if you had asked me back in 1987. But he wrote a whole album to help one reflect on 50, so I couldn’t ignore it. He would never, so I certainly couldn’t let him down either. Then he made another album to make sure I remember it’s a Beautiful Life.

And the album is amazing. The voice is even better than it was in 1987. My sons were introduced to Rick Astley because of the pinata in a Psych episode. The Older Son grew into his voice and is a baritone so he does a pretty mean impression of Rick Astley. And then we discovered the 50 album. And then Beautiful Life. And then he treated us to “Titanium” during this world lockdown, which I sing almost every day.

But the song that helps me each day, ok, there are several, but if I had to pick, ok, I couldn’t. Here’s the bare minimum line-up: “Try”, “Keep Singing”, “Pray with Me”, “Beautiful Life”, and then “Dance”. In general, these two albums, along with any and all Queen, have been this year’s soundtrack for me. And Older Son and I sing Phantom while Younger Son plays on his euphonium. But I digress.

“Try”. As I have been reflective during 2020 and approaching 50 like a bat out of hell, I keep coming back to this song. I’m half tempted to find a decent karaoke track and pop it up on Youtube, but I don’t know that the world needs me singing it. “Even if I’m broken on the inside…” And there have been times in my life when I felt that was so true. And there are times when nothing makes sense. And there are times I miss my brother so much and wish he had heard this song.

So as I turn 50, I know I need to try. Try something new each day, or do squats, or laugh, or do something to show myself that I have a beautiful life. Then try to share that with the world to add to the beauty rather than add anything else negative. I will try to lift myself out of the funk that started five years ago and has been haunting my dreams with sadness, death, rejection, loss. I will instead focus on my family, my blessings.

“All I know is nothing’s certain
So I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try
It’s only myself that I’m hurting
If I don’t try, if I don’t try

When it feels like all my hopes and dreams are shattered into dust
I remember that the only thing I have to do is trust…” ~Rick Astley

So I try.

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Okay, first, it automatically capitalized Trump.

Second, this isn’t about politics. It’s about how easily I’ve been avoiding the vile, nasty behavior people have been exhibiting since the election.

On Facebook, I only check my notifications, wish folks happy birthday as needed, and then hop off again. 

Avoid Twitter completely, which I discovered is really freakin’ easy to do.

Technically I have an Instagram thing, but if you follow me, you know how well I took to that form of social waste my time media.

I read articles from BBC and Japan Times, use Messenger a lot, and find I have a lot more time on my hands. Yes, this blog is social media, but since comments are so freakin’ rare, it’s really more of a one-sided social media for me. As one of my friends from college would say, it’s between me and my voices.

It’s my journal nowadays, I suppose. Although I still journal on paper too. I post shit I don’t mind sharing with my five faithful readers.

Updates on some topics…

Wally is sadly still here. PB still hates him, and we all know I’m not fond of him. I did recently realize that although I love bread, the feeling is not mutual. Now, I won’t give that up, but I am going to curb it a bit. And I let myself have chocolate regularly again because when I stopped eating it, I gained ten pounds. Even my doctor was in favor of me taking that back. He realized I was more likely to keep exercising if I still eat chocolate.

Me & the fam have been playing games practically every night. Board games, card games, and sometimes just games on our devices, all in the same room. A little solitary, non-thinking time, but not alone. Together.

Banging my head against the wall at times about my teenage sons, but I know how blessed I am. I have two unique, bright, talented, funny, loving sons who are traveling their life paths to the march of their own drummers. And the time is passing very quickly, so I focus on them. And with how uncool I am now, I have more time for real conversation with Hubby or time to do hobbies that I forgot I enjoyed.

I like living mostly unplugged. It makes it easier to see the good that’s all around.

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I’m not good at taking an actual lunch break at work.  Today I really stopped and ate food (a lovely stuffed shell left over from Sunday night’s dinner).  I am playing music and decided to take a few minutes for me, and in turn, you Gentle Reader.

My boys are sick.  I hate that.  Older son got sick on Saturday.  His fever spiked as high as 105 at one point but today it is hovering around 100, so he’s almost all better.  He also has his energy and appetite back-both good signs.  Younger son came down with it yesterday and is still in the thick of it.  His temperature this morning was 103.  He is feeling very achy and I really wish I could be home with both of them.  They caught it from Hubby (he caught it from a patient) so I’m the only one it hasn’t gotten yet.

Hubby truly understands that as much as I want to be at home, I really can’t call out from work at the moment.  We’re in training mode and there isn’t anyone else here to step in and cover.  My boys understand too and besides, Dad doesn’t make them rest in their rooms like I do.  I’m sure the three of them are in the living room watching some cartoon or another.  Knowing I couldn’t stay home today either, Hubby ran around last night taking care of stuff that he knew he wouldn’t be able to take care of today.  And he surprised me by putting out the garbage.  I had the biggest smile when I walked out of my house this morning and discovered he had already put the trash to the curb.

When Hubby did get home last night, we watched Scary Movie 2 (again) because it makes us laugh every freakin’ time.  (I better use my strong hand…)

The boys have been helping each other with taking care of the pets, depending on who is feeling better.  They are so cute and cuddly when mildly delirious from fever!

Ah, lunch with myself.  Time’s almost up.  Gonna go call my three stooges and see how they are.

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June 8, 2014.  I will breathe the same oxygen as Kenneth Branagh.  Okay, technically, not the same, and every day we are breathing the same “air” but on June 8, 2014, it’ll be the shared air in the Armory.

Kenneth as MacBethJune 8, 2014.

Twelve years of marriage.  Fourteen years shared together.  Over ten years of parenting joy.  Two amazing sons.  A fantastic Adopted #3 Son.  Two dogs,  nine cats, two bearded dragons, countless fish, thousands of crickets (always temporary at best), multiple mealworm colonies, two rocket sleds, four POSs, a trip to India, honeymoon in Maine, many trips to Massachusetts, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, and all around New Jersey.  Millions of laughs, a bunch of tears, fair share of bouts of sickness or the “sicks”, plenty of morning sickness!  A bunch of theater productions, many sets built and taken down, many 50/50s sold.  Around 36 family board meetings, reunions up and down the east coast.  Many pink pigs, hundreds of Three Stooges, dozens of flights to the Moon and bushes of pink roses.  How do you sum up a marriage?  You can’t.  You can make a laundry list, like this, but it doesn’t capture the heart, the soul, the body, and the mind of a marriage.

Hubby, I love you wamhasabam aiaw faeaad.  Happy anniversary!

P.S. Yes, others have pointed out Hubby’s resemblance to Kenneth Branagh.

birdseed

bridal party

 

 

ring bearer

 

Old fashioned watch your step  

 

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Last night Hubby taught older son how to play chess while younger son and I played piano.  We discovered how many keys just don’t work anymore and that it is way more out of tune than we thought.

Day Off #1-spent time cuddling with the boys, Rex and I had a great walk in the rain, a trip to the dentist, only a few texts and about a dozen work emails, and one workshop at work.  This trip to work also accommodated getting our milk as the dairy is closer to work.  Hubby and I dealt with moving all the food from the now-broken fridge to the one that works.  Cooked a lot of bacon so we wouldn’t lose it.  Gave Rex and Shemp their flea treatments.  Boys are sleeping, I’m watching JP, and about to go to sleep.  Tomorrow is too jam packed to get near a computer so whoo hoo!

It’s a wonderful thing to go unplugged every once in a while, like last night.  No television, no computers, just family conversation and really out of tune music.  Tomorrow is another day when we’ll be primarily unplugged.  I will savor every moment with my three stooges tomorrow and the rest of the weekend.

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Rexaco

Our dear, sweet, little Rex has settled in quite nicely.  Dare I say he is getting too comfortable?  He found the package of little rawhides on the counter and decided to help himself today.  Hubby thinks he found all of them.  He also has begun taking “lovees” from the boys’ rooms.  Rex has his own lovee-a little pig/frog toy.  Plus we bought him a toy chicken too.  But he loves to steal a lovee and run to the living room with it to see if anyone noticed.

Rex has also started snooping in corners, exploring all the nooks and crannies of his home.  He’s almost destroyed my beautiful comforter.  And he enjoys trying to chew on the decorative pillows that match the almost-destroyed comforter.  He doesn’t chew to tear, mind you, but as if it’s a chew toy.  I almost miss the scaredy dog that he was.  Not really, I am so happy he feels comfortable here.  He feels loved.

He makes the rounds if he hears people outside, day or night, and then barks if he feels there is a threat.  Scary bark, which I don’t mind.  Sounds way bigger than he is.  And when he is ready to go to sleep for the night, he jumps up on our bed and gets in his spot.  His spot is actually my spot.

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When I go to bed I have to move him, which is easy enough.  I just slide him across the almost-destroyed comforter.  Once I’m in bed, he sneaks back over so he is right up against my legs.  Hubby says some nights he has to move Rex because he has slowly pushed me over to the edge of the bed.  Impressive considering I weigh quite a bit more than the 46 pounds Rex weighs.

 

 

Hubby says Rex pretty much sleeps all day.  Then when I get home…puppy olympics!  The boys and I take him outside and Rex runs in circles at dizzying speeds around me.  The boys keep him moving until finally Rex collapses on my feet, the sign that he is done and ready to go back to the couch.  This sign usually happens 8-10 minutes after we start.  He is quite the couch potato, except for those 8-10 minutes.

With his gigantic ears, Rex could have been named Gizmo, Gremlin, or Dobby, for a more current reference.  I should get Rex a Dobby lovee!

DobbyIMG_7310

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We had been talking about what kind of puppy we would want to get.  We all felt ready to start looking for the dog who would not replace Briggs, but fill the spot in our hearts the same way he did.  Lab or collie or lab-collie mix…back and forth we went.  Then a friend messaged me on facebook about a dog and Rex found us and filled that spot before we even met him.  I just couldn’t get him out of my head.  So when I got home that night I told Hubby that I found a dog.  We looked at his picture and description.  Hubby figured out why I couldn’t stop thinking about Rex.  He smiles just like Briggs.

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He’s a shepherd mix, beautiful, sweet, knows how to sit and shake his paw.  He’s had a couple of accidents in the house, but he’s truly starting to figure it out.  We’re starting to figure it out too.  We’ve had to reshape our thinking because he’s not Briggs.  He’s not driven by food, he has complete control of his bowel, and he can go up and down the stairs.  He loves to cuddle, doesn’t like wind, but actually enjoys walking in the rain.  We did that last night for two hours (still trying to figure out the poopie schedule).  I have said so many euphemisms for poo this week in an attempt to figure out if he has a “trigger” word.  I’ve even tried merde.

The boys ADORE Rex.  Rex was even the perfect name for our dog.  The boys gave him a formal name…Canine-osaurus Rex.  And many hours have been spent cuddling with him on the couch.

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Our hearts are filled again and we’re enjoying being a dog family again.  Even the cats have taken to him.  They are staking their territories, but generally it’s been friendly.  Tiger guards the door to our bedroom because that’s where he sleeps.  Rex just curls up on the couch, or the chaise, or on the floor in the corner of the couch and chaise. 

Lab or collie?  Nope, Rex.  IMG_6859

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working out of my house if I had an episode again?  Wow.  That’s a doozy of a question.  I’ve never worked a full time type of job with other coworkers while having an episode.  How the heck would that go?  Would I be able to balance it all?  Or would a particular part of life suffer?  I would really hope I would be able to summon up the strength to manage throughout the day but not at the cost of not managing at home.  The episode I had a few years ago was quite manageable since I worked from home and the boys were so young.

I really hope I wouldn’t feel so drained by the end of the workday that I had nothing left for my sons and Hubby.  I really hope I wouldn’t try to process all of the feelings and energies of the episode in the few hours I get with them each day.  I hope that I wouldn’t be walking around angry with my coworkers all day, but I also know I couldn’t be that way.  Not quite what you want at the office.  I know that they are standards and protocols that are easy enough to follow at work, even in an episode, I think I could keep up appearances until it passed.  But would I then be so exhausted by the time I drove the 30 miles home?  (Another thing I don’t handle well when in an episode is driving-avoid it if at all possible, which clearly would not be possible since I would still have to go to work!)  Would I be  so tired that I would lose my patience with my sons?  Would the adage of hurting the ones you love come true?  Would I put so much energy and effort out during the day that I would have nothing left and have a quick temper?  Would I not be able to listen to their stories of their days with an open ear?  Would I be in zombie mode?

How would I handle sleep now?  I could sleep whenever before, but now I would have to be awake at work.  It’s a friendly environment, but I think napping on the desk is frowned upon.  I suppose I would just have to let certain thinks go at home to get the extra rest.  Oh, but then the OCD of not doing things at home could possible drive me up new and exciting walls.  Some semblance of normalcy would have to be maintained!

Anyway…the brain clearly wants to wonder about this stuff right now and the best way for me to handle that is to let it wander in the wonderings.

 

 

 

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Last night younger son and I were working on the K’Nex.  We’re on step 79 of 182.  It’s a great way of teaching patience.  As we’re putting the little rods into the connectors, he was quoting :Georgie” from the movie of Stephen King’s It.  “It’s all your fault Bill.  You let It get me, Bill.  It’s all your fault.”  He does this perfectly.  He even looks like the actor who played Georgie.  We’ve got to put him in a little yellow slicker and rain hat one day.  As he keeps doing this, I’m giggling and telling him he’s a wee bit creepy.  I wanted to make sure younger son knew where this was coming from so I asked him if he knew I meant “creepy” in a good way, that he was being funny.  He said, “Yeah, Mom, I know.”  Then I asked if it bothered him that some people look at us like we’re a little bit odd.  His response?  “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m a little macabre.”

Older son comes into the dining room (because everyone keeps their four foot K’Nex set-up on the dining room table).  He had been working on his comic strips.  I asked him if the “odd” moniker bothered him.  He said no and then, in the style of the Addams Family, crossed his arms and snapped twice.  I love my sons.

Tonight I decided to watch Clue.  As younger son heard the music, he started quoting Mrs. White.  “Flames, flames, on the side of my face.  Heaving breaths, heaving…flames…”  Yeah, a little bit creepy and a little bit kooky.  And that’s fine by me.

I’ve never enjoyed the pressure of conforming.  It is tiring to try to keep up with what other people think one should be like.  I don’t want to live my life trying to be someone I’m not.  I try not to judge and when others give the impression they are judging me, I just don’t have time for that either.  Hubby and I teach our sons to do what they want to do and be who they want to be (yes, lyrics from the theme song from The Addams Family movie).

Conforming is far too tiring.  Life needs to be enjoyed and you have to figure out your own standards, whether that be through religion or spirituality or common sense or whatever guiding force you follow.  Then enjoy life.

And one quote from Clue, because I love this movie and it’s just so quotable…

Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I’m merely a humble butler.
Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I butle, sir.
Mustard: Which means what?
Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.

P.S.  The boys loved learning that Wadsworth, aka Tim Curry, also played Pennywise.

 

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I am thankful for Hubby.

I am thankful for oldest son and youngest son.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my church.

I am thankful for friends.

I am thankful for our pets.

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful for game night.

I am thankful for making even the smallest difference for someone.

I am thankful for exhaustion.

I am thankful for sleep.

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