Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for May, 2017

Aunts, and Uncles, and Cousins, oh my!

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on May 21, 2017| 1 Comment »

My experience with extended family ended in my early teens. Around 1982 was the last time I spent time with aunts, uncles, and cousins at a family holiday thing. I spent a few weeks with an uncle and his wife in ’85 or ’86, but I was miserable. Plus their kids were little, I was a teenager.

So I never got the whole cousin experience. When I hear people talk about the close bond, the fond memories, the shared times with cousins, I usually zone out a bit. I just have nothing to relate it to, nor do I have any stories to contribute. 

Hubby’s nieces and nephews really wanted cousins. We gave them two, and there is love between them. There’s also 25+ years between them, so not a lot in common. It didn’t give me much pause, I didn’t grow up with that whole cousin phenomenon either. But Hubby did.

Now I have my cousins back. And some of them have kids, closer in age to my boys. We finally get to have that cousin experience. We’re going to try to go up to Maine later this year to visit family up there and the boys asked if their cousins would be there. How cool is that?

The other day my one cousin messaged me about something she was watching on TV. Again, how cool is that? I was able to explain that the green mascot thing was the Philly Phanatic and then we discussed how the Baby Cakes Baby mascot could kick the muppety Phanatic’s ass.

We talk on the phone…just because. How amazing is this? I get it now.

And I have aunts and uncles again! And they love me, they love my family. They are there for my dad, and it’s so great to see that. They are there for me. And I am there for them.

They waited 28 years for me to reconnect with my dad. 28 years. And my brother did it. Thanks to my brother, I know my little brother. Okay, he’s taller than me, but who isn’t?

And the love is unconditional. There’s no resentment. No reservations. Just love.

I am blessed. And I am thanking my brother, as I did when he brought us all back together, even now as I am missing him. And through my brother’s perseverance, I have aunts, and uncles, and cousins, oh my, helping me as I grieve losing him.

Read Full Post »

Missing my bro

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on May 19, 2017| Leave a Comment »

I miss him. That’s the long & the short of it. It’s a better place than I’ve been. I’ve been angry. Sad. Resentful. In denial. Regretful.

I’m still angry at church & God. I finally made it through an entire service last Sunday and that was only because my sons were holding me up, along with the Spirit. I had my phone completely silenced on that day almost four months ago because I was at church. I didn’t see the text till about an hour later. I’m making myself leave my phone in the dining room. That’s where I always put it at night. But, confession, I’ve taken to leaving it on vibrate now at church. I know, closing the barn door too late.

And it wouldn’t have changed anything. Only would have added an hour of grief. But still. And the Spirit is patient. Will hold me up till I’m ready.

There were so many things my bro & I talked about doing, making up for lost time. There are so many familial wounds this has opened that sometimes I just sit and cry. And when I stop crying, I just sit, numb, unable to form a thought because I don’t know how to sort this much pain out. So I bury it down, get through my day.

I focus on my sons. I focus on my dog. I focus on the cats, when they let me. I lean heavily on Hubby, who is so patient and understanding. He knew from the get-go what he was signing up for and I haven’t disappointed yet.

I laughed, really laughed, for the first time last week or so. The dress scene in Bridesmaids, which I finally watched. Of course that same week, one of my supervisors walked by during one of those crying situations, the one when I can’t even form a word. I get paid for working with words. Not a good thing for your boss to witness, being completely incapacitated from forming a sentence.

This is one of the sentences I recently managed to form about my grief.

While it is not all through death, I have no one from my late childhood/teenage family left. In the span of eighteen months.

I know I have gained so much family back and I am blessed with that. I love them all so much. 

But there is still a lot of loss to work through. I wish I could be glib. Just say screw it, at least about some of it. Not my bro. Not Bearpaw. But to be glib would lessen what I have gained. That would demonstrate a major change in who I am. Then I wouldn’t deserve the future happiness with the family I’ve reconnected with. It would not mean the same.

I also want to learn from all of this. I want to be a strong, compassionate mother who loves her sons unconditionally. I want to love true & unconditionally in all of my relationships. So there are lessons to be learned.

But right now, as I pretend to sleep until I finally pass out for a few hours, as I have every night for almost four months, I simply miss my bro. I still had his message from last year’s Mother’s Day on my cell. I listened to it last week. Clearly never erasing that. It was nice to hear his voice, filled with love.

I miss my bro.

Read Full Post »