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Archive for the ‘Musings and Epiphanies’ Category

Empty Nest but they’re still here

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on September 8, 2025| Leave a Comment »

My adult sons still live at home. They’re 22 and 20, so young adults. The older has graduated from college and is applying to PhD programs, the younger is still working towards his bachelor’s degree. They have no plans at the moment to move somewhere else permanently, but time will tell. I think they’ll stay here

Their lovely girlfriends live here too. Both are also in college. So we’re feeding six now. They’re still here and yet I’ve got an empty nest.

They maintain their own schedules. They work, go to classes, visit with friends, friends visit them here, and they spend time with us, but more as adults than our children. They’ll always be my babies, but now they’re babies with real world responsibilities.

They both will tell us when they’re going somewhere, the who, what, where, and when. We don’t have to ask. But they also don’t have to ask if they can go. They’re adults and we trust them to be responsible and make good choices.

So my husband and I have a lot more time on our hands these days. And the best of both worlds…strong, smart, independent, critical-thinking, young men who haven’t quite left the nest. And who still can be so goofy. Makes my heart smile.

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Somehow it’s been ten years

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on July 15, 2025| Leave a Comment »

…a decade…an unbelievable amount of time during which boys became men, adults became middle aged, and the pain lessened a little bit at a time.

It was 2015, Thursday, July 16th. I was running VBS at church just as I am this week. The pastor’s daughter came over to the church from the parsonage to say that my husband was trying to find me and to call him. I did and he said there had been an accident.

We went to the trauma center. And it’s important to realize that that told us a lot. From where he had the accident you had to pass two or three hospitals before getting to the trauma center. So if they passed those it meant it was serious. It meant it was not good. Once we got there more signs told me that it was not good. They put us in a private family room off of the waiting room.

An hour or so later. Honestly I don’t remember how long we sat waiting. It felt like years. Someone came in to tell us that he had passed. They had tried to repair the internal damage but he had another heart attack on the table and that was the end.

Each time the double doors opened to the hall leading to the patient rooms, you could hear the staff chit-chatting and holding each other up considering the challenging job they work. Yet when those double doors swung open by the staff member leading me to the room so I could identify the body, everything was quiet. A respectful quiet. A somber quiet. They seemed to know that as hard as their job was I was about to do an even harder job.

Sadly I can close my eyes and still see his face perfectly. They did a beautiful job trying to clean him up. But he had just been in a fatal car accident. There was only so much they could do. I can never unsee that. However, it was my honor to walk into that room to confirm that it was him. I got to see him one more time. I got to tell him I loved him. I got to thank him for years of happiness and love and family. I had that privilege. I had that honor. So while the image is still startling in my mind’s eye, it was a gift to do that for him.

Ten years, a decade, without our Bearpaw. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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65 million years in the making…

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on April 9, 2025| Leave a Comment »

…ok, not that long, but well over ten years ago the boys (who are young adults now, but still my boys) started setting aside t-shirts that were special to them. Even though they no longer fit, they were favorites or sentimental for a variety of reasons.

The plan was I would make a t-shirt quilt for each of them. It would be a high school graduation gift.

Yep…that didn’t happen. Something always got in the way. Mainly myself and poor time management. Or myself and not wanting them to grow up too quickly. But last year I promised to start finishing the many unfinished projects. Top of the list…their quilts. I could at least finish them before they graduated from college.

I learned a great trick from Escape to the Chateau. I put iron-on interfacing on the backs of the t-shirt to make it less stretchy. I cut each shirt, added the interfacing, and then started plotting the squares for older son’s blanket.

I had never made a quilt before. And I still haven’t. I will call this a blanket, but it is not a quilt. I had to rip out many seams along the way and start some parts over a couple of times. But I have learned a lot that will make younger son’s blanket easier to make. Older son’s blanket is like the first pancake…comes out a little hinky. But fold a seam here and there to make a cleaner line, add satin ribbon on the top and bottom so it is reminiscent of Elmo’s blanket (their favorite childhood blankies…which they still have), and sew it with a lot of love (and quite a few colorful curse words).

And that hinkyness didn’t matter one bit to older son. He absolutely loves it. And I finished a project! There’s no stopping me now.

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Destination Truth: Big Brook Preserve Part 2

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on March 1, 2025| Leave a Comment »

July 22, 2012 was the first adventure to Big Brook Preserve. Hamilton has been there many times since. And today, although I had planned to be lazy for a while and then do my Saturday chores, I went with Hamilton to Big Brook Preserve again.

There are clear signs and places to park now! Paths that lead to various access points. The bridge has been replaced and is quite beautiful.  And the shark teeth fossils are still aplenty, at least for Hamilton. I didn’t find any, but I did find some other fossils.

It looked the same once we were in the brook. I wasn’t sure if my mind’s eye had changed it, but it hadn’t. It’s one of those beautiful places in Jersey that most don’t know about.

And that’s ok by me. Mock Jersey, say we’re just a turnpike with refineries, fine by me because we’re already a little crowded. We don’t need negative energy being added. So keep on driving to NC or FL.

The other thing that hasn’t changed is Hamilton’s pure joy while looking for fossils. Such excitement when he finds a good one, patience when telling me nope, it’s a plain old rock.

He’s a lot better at identifying them now which is good since he gets his BS in Geology with a concentration in Paleontology in a couple of months. 🙂

Last time my Destination Truth was not stressing and enjoying the hinky time finding the place in the rain. This time my truth was dirt and mess can sit for a day. Better to walk in the woods to the Big Brook and find fossils with your son.

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Bottom of the Bowl

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on September 12, 2024| Leave a Comment »

It’s been a month since we lost Cujo. The other cats still don’t know how to tell me that their food bowls are empty. Cujo would summon me to fill those bowls when even the slightest bit of the bottom of the bowl was showing.

Tonight, they were quite antsy. I couldn’t tell why until I realized I hadn’t fed them. TJ, Loki, and Charlie are still adapting to not having sweet Cujo here in the house and so are we. He always made sure there was plenty of food, while keeping the water bowl at an acceptable level has always been TJ’s job.

Cujo was such a sweet cat. I keep thinking I see him in the house. And I know he’s not here but boy he was a good cat. And we miss him so much.

#thehardlifeofcujo
TJ, Charlie, Loki on the dog’s bed.

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The Hard Life of Cujo

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on August 12, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Cujo was a teeny tiny two pounder when he and his brother, TJ, and sister, Loki, were rescued.

Cujo is in the middle by the green turtle.

I knew my husband and sons would come home with all three kittens. Hamilton and TJ (Tiger Jr.), the orange cat, connected immediately. Harrison and Cujo, the fluff ball, bonded instantly. Rex, our dog, quickly adopted Loki as his cat. And the three fur balls settled in nicely ten years ago.

Cujo has to be one of the most photogenic cats I’ve ever encountered. His eyes immediately capture your attention. He was a feline rug, loved belly rubs, and announced when all were hungry and needed food because a small part of the bottom of the bowl was showing.

We called them the Charmed ones, three little kittens rescued from a barn. And they certainly grew accustomed to their new home, and man, did Cujo grow!

Cujo crossed the Rainbow Bridge today. I can see him bowing in front of Shemp, who I am sure greeted him as he crossed.

Words fail to express the hole in our hearts. So photos of this sweet cat will speak about our love and sadness.

A boy and his cat…

A man and his cat…

Sweet Cujo, #thehardlifeofcujo, we will miss you and we love you. Your paw prints will forever be on our hearts.

Feline rug

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Mirror, mirror, who am I now?

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on January 10, 2024| Leave a Comment »

A reflection in a mirror shows you how you look. Writing, and then reading it years later, offers a different type of reflection. Who you were, who are now, who you could be soon. When you look back and see how you have grown, then you can clarify where you hope to go next. I journaled all the time when I was younger, and then flaked a bit on it. I started blogging years ago, but sometimes forget to carve out the time to sit and write. Then someone reminds me that I like doing this. So I make some time to write.

At the moment, I have been feeling out of control. I don’t feel in control of anything. Certainly not in control at work. Things change there constantly and I have little to no control over anything. I like what I do, love it actually, when I get to do my actual work. But the feeling of no control exhausts me. So I try to create a feeling of control. I bought a new agenda, and it really helps to track my actual work. It gives a feeling of control when I check off what I accomplished, and in moving things forward if I can’t finish something in a day.

I bought an agenda for my personal life too. That helps feel a sense of control in the stuff that needs to be done in the house. There are always obstacles, delays, and lack of manpower, but I keep making little strides which is nice. The bigger issue with the work in the house is priority. I want to do the projects, it’s fun to me, but it’s a chore to the others. They sometimes help, but they aren’t “excited” so the help is quick and I feel like I have to nag just to get a little help. I know that annoys them and it takes away from the fun I have in working on the house.

So for my feeling of control…I pledged to myself that this year I will finish any project I have started and have not yet finished. I will not start any new projects because I need to finish about 100 projects. I know that I will feel better and in control if I actually finish stuff that I’ve started, some of these projects are years in the making. Some are simple crafts, others are bigger projects. I am tired of carrying the list of projects in my head. So this is the pledge to myself. And to write more often.

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Big bro still taking care of me

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on May 8, 2023| Leave a Comment »

My older brother died in 2017. He was only 48 and I miss him dreadfully. But he reconnected me with my dad and that whole side of my family after 28 years. And he continues to help me connect with people who were such an important part of my life when I was young.

And these people are the ones I was constantly told were “bad” and I should be thankful she was protecting me from them.

She was not good in her heart. Meanwhile all these wonderful people are right here to help me in ways I could have never imagined.

Thank you, Shaun, for not giving up on me. I love you.

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It doesn’t matter how many people tell you

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on October 6, 2022| Leave a Comment »

As your sons, in my case, begin to grow up and spread their wings it is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. And people telling you doesn’t prepare you. You have to learn it on you own.

Both of my sons still live at home. But they have their driver’s licenses. And so I no longer have to drive them to karate or baseball or marching band. I don’t have to drop them off at their friends’ homes, or set up play dates. They do all of this themselves now.

They drive themselves to work, to college classes, or to high school. And I am so proud of the young men that they are. And I am so grateful that they are here and no significant harm has ever come to them.

But this is hard. Letting them go and start to really walk on their own. Learning to walk and watching them as they toddled around the living room with baby gates to protect them was the easy part. Watching them use their two feet to take them so far in life even at these young adult ages is the hard part.

Oh how I love my sons.

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He’s here…The Phantom of the Opera

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on September 11, 2022| 1 Comment »

Way back when in 1987 I first heard The Phantom of the Opera by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I fell in love with the music, the lyrics, and the characters, the whole story. In 1988 I received the double CD soundtrack as a graduation gift and listened to it constantly. I had watched the Tony’s just to see a bit of it, since this was before the days of YouTube. I couldn’t even imagine being lucky enough to see it on Broadway.

Welp, fast forward to 2000. I finally saw it with my then boyfriend, now husband. Playing Raoul was Hugh Panaro. He portrayed Marius when I saw Les Miserables so it was neat to see him again, and he has such a gorgeous voice.

Fast forward to 2019. I see Phantom again with my younger son on his school band trip.

Then my older son became obsessed with Phantom in 2020. He fell in love with the story just as I did. He felt a connection to Erik. He watched many Phantom videos on YouTube. At one point, I asked if he had a favorite Phantom, and lo and behold his favorite is Hugh Panaro, who had eventually gone on to play Phantom.

So the whole family has a connection to the Phantom, but the one most obsessed was the only one to never have seen it live on Broadway.

Until this week. On September 5, Older Son and I saw The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. We had fabulous seats. Front row, center, second balcony. You can see the whole stage, and when the chandelier goes up at the beginning and falls at the end of act one, you see the whole picture. Plus, Phantom is directly across from you as he lurks above the opera house.

The smiles on my son’s face. The joy emanating from his body. The feeling of fulfillment over seeing something that he feels so passionately about was wonderful to experience. Creating and sharing the experience with him riding the train in, walking briskly on the sidewalks of Manhattan, and escaping into the story of Erik and the Paris Opera House is one of my best days.

He’s here…The Phantom of the Opera…

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