ohbloodyhell8

“There is no rhyme or reason to depression, no rhyme or reason to suicide. He was tired.” Dr. Jeff on Fox this morning about Robin Williams.
I’ve read a lot online today about Robin Williams, all beautiful. He had mental illness and he was tired. There was a quote from him about only getting a little spark of madness and being careful not to lose it. I like that quote and a little madness is a good thing. A lot of madness makes one tired.

I’ve been that tired. And when the only answer seemed to be the path Mr. Williams sadly chose, I walked the streets of Philadelphia on that night 25 years ago trying to determine the best way to do it. Luckily for me I wandered near a friend’s apartment and after he opened his door and invited me in, he didn’t ask any challenging questions. He was just there with me. I don’t remember the evening very well, don’t know how long I was even there, but Mole just let me be. And it was enough.

I was tired. Tired of the voices yelling berating comments at me all day and night. Tired of trying to keep up with classes and not showing the truth to my classmates. Tired of the paranoia that everyone in my class hated me and all were out to sabotage any efforts I made. Tired of trying the rituals even though they hadn’t worked in months. Tired of not sleeping.

I know how tired Mr. Williams had to have been. 

We cannot be ashamed or hide who we are. With treatment, I’m just like you. But if I can’t talk about the mental illness because of the actions of someone with untreated mental illness, we will continue to have unnecessary tragedies in our world. When we realize that untreated mental illness causes such sadness and stop hiding it because it makes us uncomfortable we can start to make progress.

I have schizophrenia. It does not define me, is simply part of me. Didn’t ask for it, but it has helped shape who I am. And I think I rock.

You know someone with mental illness. You have for as long as you have known me. So it is a part of your life too. I’m probably not the only person with mental illness that you know.

Help the conversation grow and become loud. If we talk about it and find ways to help all people with mental illness, we can stop sadness like the loss of an actor who has been a part of my life since I was 8. We can stop tragedies like school shootings where innocents die for no reason but a lack of untreated and uncontrolled mental illness.

Oh captain, my captain…not sure when I’ll be able to watch that movie again. It was hard to watch 25 years ago. Hard again now for different reasons.