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There are eight

October 21, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

English: Author - John Henkel, from the Food a...

Having lived with schizophrenia for this long, one gets used to a heightened level of paranoia as a norm.  I am still haunted by the one psychiatrist who said I shouldn’t have children.  But I do have two wonderful sons and I try to be the best mother I can be.  Still, I watch my sons closely for any early warning signs, reminding myself they are still not of the traditional age of onset.  Younger son, as I have written, will be evaluated for Tourette’s syndrome and I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes back as a “yes” as both involve misfirings of neurochemicals in similar areas of the brain.

 

But last night older son was talking under his breath.  When I asked him if he was talking to himself he said he was talking to the angel and the devil that sit on his shoulders.  My heart skipped a beat.  Then I asked if he was making them talk or if they talked on their own.  He assured me that he makes them talk.  I asked how many there were.  He answered eight.  The second time my heart skipped a beat.  He then explained a very detailed hierarchy about these self-consciences.  The angel has a set, the devil has a set, and so on.  I felt fine by the end of our conversation and the paranoia relaxed back to the regular level.

 

We have not yet told them about what Mommy has because they are young and do not need to know yet.  We’ll tell them when the time comes because I do not want to perpetuate the practice of not talking about important things that exists in the families.  That creates more messes than it’s worth.  They will know what is in their pasts and what to be aware of for their well-beings over their lifetimes.

 

Eight voices.  I had eight voices.  The first two were God and the devil.  At first they were comforting.  But as the six others joined them over the years, and as what they were saying became more violent, they were less and less comforting.  I do not miss them, most of the time.  Sometimes though, when the decision is really difficult, I wonder how it would be if they were here making the decision for me.  It would take the burden off my shoulders.  But accountability is a part of life.  Making good choices.  Even without a little angel and devil on your shoulders.

 

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Mealworms, crickets, and lizards, oh my!

October 18, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

Oldest son does not want to touch the crickets when feeding his lizard.  Only told me this after we bought the lizard and the crickets.  Tyrann, the lizard, did enjoy some mealworms this evening.  Younger son lost a darkling beetle while spending time with them.  Only told me about that as he was being tucked into bed.  I hope the little guy enjoys his adventure in the room tonight.  Youngest son was so worried about telling me.  I reminded him about the time older son let all of the beetles out in his room.  We found them, we’ll find this guy.

Tomorrow night we have the school dance party.  Oldest son is going to ask a girl to go with him.  It’s a big step and face it, if she’s already planning to go, she may say she’ll meet him there.  The boys have several people who have RSVP’d for their Halloween party so they are VERY excited.

All I have to do now is finish younger son’s costume.  I just can’t seem to find the extra orange broadcloth.  I’m sure it’s somewhere in this house.  For now, I’ll attach the slinkies and he can try it without the fabric covering.  He looks good in the Jack o’ lantern costume.  I still am not sure what I’m going to be for Halloween.  I can always be a pirate…but I’d like to be scary this year.  Hmmmm…what should I be?

I love Halloween.  It’s such a fun time of year.

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Want to put up Halloween decorations?

October 13, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

From the moment I woke up, about every 10 minutes, younger son asked me if I wanted to put up Halloween decorations.  This boy loves Halloween.  The house is now decorated.  Witches, Jack o’ lanterns, skeletons, and skulls are lovingly placed on every available space in the house.  The boys decorated the yard the other day.  Older son really likes Halloween, but younger son has a strong passion about it.

There was a time when he was about three that younger son wore a pumpkin shirt every day.  He had about five of them and we just had to keep them in a solid rotation schedule with the laundry.  He still has a deep affinity for pumpkins.  All things Halloween, really.  In an acrostic poem at school, for the letter “N” he wrote “Never brings skeletons back from the dead.”  He really does have an Addams Family vibe about him.

Today the boys decided they want to have a Halloween party.  Sure, it’s two weeks away.  We can plan that!  Actually, the house is already decorated and I have plenty of Halloween games at my disposal.  We’ll sending the invites out at school on Monday.  I’ll use beloved facebook to invite some other friends (yes, KH, faithful reader, check your facebook soon!)

I’m almost done making the boys’ costumes.  Older son’s costume doesn’t require much sewing-it’s more of assembling the materials for his original design.  Younger son is being a jack o’ lantern (again) and I now have the orange slinkies to make arms and legs that “pop out and scare people”.  I just have to make the fabric coverings for them.

Ah, Halloween.  This year I’m thinking of being a pirate instead of a witch.  We’ll see.

 

 

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Nor’easter Winds Bring in the Ghosts

October 10, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

The winds picked up this evening.  The nor’easter winds with their eerie, haunting howls.  The shrieks have been wrapping around the house all night.  The tempests have brought the ghosts in with them.  I’ve heard Mom’s door opening and closing.  Brigs snored at the bottom of the stairs.  A big one that even rattled his collar.  Creepiness is filling my home and I love every minute of it.

October is a magical month.  The leaves die and float to the ground revealing the skeletal arms of the trees.  Soon a walk around the block will echo with the crunch and crackle of the leaves under foot.  The night creeps in earlier and the moon always seems brighter.  Scarecrows adorn the lawns and the straw arms billow from the gales, stretching out to catch a person as he walks by their perch.

Colorful mums sprout from the ground and grow fuller each day.  The color of the leaves on the grass blend with the mums.  Pumpkins and Jack ‘o lanterns burst with color in a graying world.  Ghosts stories float to children’s ears, scaring them a little bit more until they cry out for the storyteller to stop.

In a few weeks. children dressed as cowboys, princesses, and monsters get to willingly approach strangers and ask them for candy.  Witches will cackle flying on their brooms overhead.  Scary moans and laughter, rattling chains, and haunting  music will swirl around and fill the night with spooky noises.

I can remember walking Brigs during October and always being thankful that he was a large dog.  Even though I knew I was perfectly safe, the hairs would stand up on the back of my neck.  Sounds would echo down the street and seem to be surrounding us at the same time.  I could feel eyes watching us.  I was sure of it and so I stuck close to Brigs.  I knew he would protect me.  This is the first autumn without him here to bring me comfort as the nor’easter ghosts settle in for the winter again.

Oh, I love the autumn.  I love ghost stories.  I love the look of the fog and the sounds of the wind and the leaves.  I love the smell of the wood burning in fireplaces to warm the homes with glowing windows as we all settle in for the cold.  A lot of Uncle Stevie to read in the coming months.  Old tales that are good friends that help to keep one warm during the winter months.  And to help keep the ghosts at bay.  Even as the gales blow around the house.

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My Lunch with the Kramers

October 9, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

I caught the last hour or so of Kramer vs Kramer tonight.  Good Lord.  The movie came out in 1979 and I’ve watched it I don’t know how many times yet still it makes me CRY LIKE A BABY!

Dustin Hoffman is so amazing in this movie.  The scene in the park when he tells Billy that he’s so lucky because he gets to go live with Mommy breaks my heart.  When Billy asks if he’ll still kiss him goodnight and he says he won’t be able to do that anymore.  Tears, down the side of my face.  Then the scene when they make breakfast and they show how they got a routine with the french toast…sob fest.

Joanna as she comes to pick Billy up and she says how she should have painted clouds in Billy’s room so he would feel like he was home…”I realized he already is home”.  The smile on Ted’s face that peaks through Joanna’s hair as she says she’s not going to take him is awesome.

This movie struck such a chord in the country at the time and it stuck with me for decades.  Divorce was becoming common at the time but to have the child be with the father was groundbreaking.  The court testimony was so riveting, still is.  When Ted wonders why mothers are naturally better…why can’t a father do all of that.  Anyway, he says it better.  He had a script.  Both performances, and Billy’s performance, were wonderfully nuanced.  It is one of my favorite movies, but I do tend to only watch it when I need a good cry.

I love that oxymoron.  There is such truth in it.  Sometimes you just really need to cry.  I could use a good cry tonight, but I came into the movie so late I only wept a little.  I could throw in another tearjerker (Terms of Endearment anyone?) and bawl my eyes out.  Or I could fold laundry.  That could make me cry too!

I realized watching Kramer vs Kramer tonight that this may be where I developed the habit of painting murals on bedroom walls.  Why not use the walls in your house as space for art?  Might as well enjoy the space you are living in each day.  And like Ted and Billy, I love french toast for breakfast.

Might go look for another movie.  A tearjerker.  Have myself a good cry.

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I’m a little macabre

October 4, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

Last night younger son and I were working on the K’Nex.  We’re on step 79 of 182.  It’s a great way of teaching patience.  As we’re putting the little rods into the connectors, he was quoting :Georgie” from the movie of Stephen King’s It.  “It’s all your fault Bill.  You let It get me, Bill.  It’s all your fault.”  He does this perfectly.  He even looks like the actor who played Georgie.  We’ve got to put him in a little yellow slicker and rain hat one day.  As he keeps doing this, I’m giggling and telling him he’s a wee bit creepy.  I wanted to make sure younger son knew where this was coming from so I asked him if he knew I meant “creepy” in a good way, that he was being funny.  He said, “Yeah, Mom, I know.”  Then I asked if it bothered him that some people look at us like we’re a little bit odd.  His response?  “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m a little macabre.”

Older son comes into the dining room (because everyone keeps their four foot K’Nex set-up on the dining room table).  He had been working on his comic strips.  I asked him if the “odd” moniker bothered him.  He said no and then, in the style of the Addams Family, crossed his arms and snapped twice.  I love my sons.

Tonight I decided to watch Clue.  As younger son heard the music, he started quoting Mrs. White.  “Flames, flames, on the side of my face.  Heaving breaths, heaving…flames…”  Yeah, a little bit creepy and a little bit kooky.  And that’s fine by me.

I’ve never enjoyed the pressure of conforming.  It is tiring to try to keep up with what other people think one should be like.  I don’t want to live my life trying to be someone I’m not.  I try not to judge and when others give the impression they are judging me, I just don’t have time for that either.  Hubby and I teach our sons to do what they want to do and be who they want to be (yes, lyrics from the theme song from The Addams Family movie).

Conforming is far too tiring.  Life needs to be enjoyed and you have to figure out your own standards, whether that be through religion or spirituality or common sense or whatever guiding force you follow.  Then enjoy life.

And one quote from Clue, because I love this movie and it’s just so quotable…

Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I’m merely a humble butler.
Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I butle, sir.
Mustard: Which means what?
Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.

P.S.  The boys loved learning that Wadsworth, aka Tim Curry, also played Pennywise.

 

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This week…

October 1, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

I am thankful for Hubby.

I am thankful for oldest son and youngest son.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my church.

I am thankful for friends.

I am thankful for our pets.

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful for game night.

I am thankful for making even the smallest difference for someone.

I am thankful for exhaustion.

I am thankful for sleep.

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What a world, what a world.

September 24, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

No, I’m not wicked (or at least I try not to be).  No one threw a bucket of water on me to make me melt.  I just feel like I’ve been melting the past few days.  I caught something from one of the students in my class.  That wiped me out for the weekend.  Homework for the boys is getting heavier (a good thing, just a time management thing).  Work is sort of settling into the new semester, but there are always new technological challenges to face.  And comparatively speaking, while there was great sadness for me today, I know there are others feeling this sadness even more strongly at this moment.  My heart and prayers go out to them tonight.

There are families in this world that have experienced divorce.  My husband’s family has had a few divorces.  The interesting thing is that the family never exiled the ex.  The ex-daughter-in-law, the ex-sister-in-law were still daughters and sisters.  There is divorce in my family’s history too.  I’m still the daughter, still the sister.  That’s as it should be.  Other relationships don’t have to end because two people can’t live together or remain married.

I’m glad that today I could be there, in whatever small capacity it was, to lend love and support when these special people from my life needed it.  So while I have been feeling like I’m melting, today’s events reminded me that I’m not.  I’m loved.  And blessed with family in so many ways and from so many unexpected places.

When my sons are older, I’ll explain the whole history behind this other part of the family.  For now they know the most important part-more people who love them.

 

 

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So are the days of our lives

September 22, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

The sand drips through that hourglass and I realize this year is already nearing the end.  How does that happen?  I need to make Halloween costumes, start Christmas shopping, and thinking of how much weight I’ll gain between Halloween and New Year’s.

Where does the time go?  I have set goals this year, little projects, and not many have been accomplished.  It’s not gnawing at my stomach like it used to and that’s good.  The priorities are clearer than ever in my mind and soul.  I know the important parts of my life.  In certain moments of my days I have to work harder to remember that, but it’s getting easier everyday to remember why I do what I do.

Two of my priorities are my sons (well, duh).  Oldest son is having some issues with recess.  So I’m working on a proposal to add some options to recess since he is not the only one having issues.  Younger son offers many areas of focus.  I picked them up from school the other day.  As younger son came out of the door, I worked very hard at keeping back the tears.  He was clearly very tired because the one tic was non-stop.  It broke my heart.  He and I have talked about the tics.  He is a little self-conscious about them, but says they don’t really bother him.  In so many words he said he doesn’t do them on purpose and has tried to stop them, but they won’t stop.

So I keep reminding myself that as the year draws to a close, I get to spend a Thanksgiving break and Christmas week with my sons.  Plus I took off work on Halloween.  Ah, some lovely breaks to daily life.  A day to sit and watch the hourglass if that’s what we want to do.  Or have an adventure or two.

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Queen of Da Nile

September 17, 2012 by pinkpigrulz

I let myself enjoy the weekend.  I let myself bask in that river in Egypt.  Da Nile.  I didn’t look at work email all weekend (which was a nice change– I have got to remember that I control if I check it or not).  In not checking, I didn’t think about work and I didn’t see the email from younger son’s teacher.  But I’ll get to that in a moment.

I knew I was wrong about the possibility of canceling the January appointment for younger son from the moment I wrote it.  As we sat eating a late lunch at Great Adventure I got my visual proof.  As he ate his food, younger son’s head was moving and he didn’t miss a beat.  His lip tic was happening too.  Hubby and I looked at each other at one point and just gave each other that look.  You know the look.  The look between a husband and wife that says everything it needs to without any words.

That was Saturday.  Involuntary movements were all of the map on Sunday too.

Then this morning at work I read the email from his teacher.  She had written to let me know he was holding his own in class, keeping up with the other students.  She also wrote to let me know she had noticed several head movements and noticed the sounds, the noises.  Small, quiet grunts that younger son seems to not notice at all.

January 3, 2013 is a long time from now.  I can’t not do something to try to help him (if you’ll forgive the double negative).  Hubby wants to look in diet and nutritional options.  What I wonder is if we try to help, will it make it difficult to diagnose something like Tourette syndrome?  I am going to call the doctor’s office tomorrow and let them know that we can’t sit and watch without actively trying to help him.  Perhaps if we keep a record of what we observe and what we try so they have a running record.

In college, we would say DENIAL all the time.  How it wasn’t just a river in Egypt.  We also said “Your MOM” a lot.  Don’t completely remember the origin of the mom reference.  It’s strange to be over 20 years out from college and be the MOM in denial.

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