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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Grimm closure

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on March 2, 2012| 4 Comments »

In tonight’s episode of Grimm, Nick came closer to some closure about his parents and aunt.  Only a bit closer to closure since we can’t cover everything in one season.  What would they do in season two if they covered it all this year?  I myself have been thinking a lot about life events.  I crave closure to certain events in my life.  I don’t like things left with loose ends.  Forgive the morbidity of the next statement, but I need to see a dead body to believe they are really gone.  It gives me closure that I need as part of my grieving process.  When that doesn’t happen, it takes longer for me to work through the whole situation.  That’s just what I need to do.

So I’ve been digging my Grimm and have been reading the Grimm stories to my boys.  They didn’t want to hear the “girly” stories.  I explained to them that the stories were originally more grim.  I went to the library at work today and got a wonderful edition of the Grimm stories.  I have to admit I did not know how many stories the Brothers Grimm had penned.  In this edition (claiming to be the complete works, but I’m too early in my research to be able to verify that claim), there are 210 stories.  Little Red Riding Hood is called Little Red Cap.  Cinderella’s step-sisters get their eyes pecked out by the birds…vicious pigeons that had not helped clean and make dresses.  Snow White is Little Snow White and the story ends with the queen wearing burning iron “shoes” and dancing till she dies.  Good times.  Good times.

As Nick has quests for closure on Grimm, I have my own quests.  One quest is to develop my sons love of fiction, hence our focus on Grimm.  I also let them read Creepshow by Uncle Stevie.  It’s a comic book, yes a creepy comic book, and they loved it. My quest for a less cluttered home, my quest for grace and simplicity.  My quest for closure on past troublesome events.  I’m a regular Don Quixote.

My sons are still so carefree.  We were discussing something one day-can’t remember what and the details don’t matter-and the next morning on the way to school, I told them that it wasn’t a topic to discuss at school.  I asked my youngest if he heard what I had said and his reply was pure and honest.  “Mom, I don’t remember what we talked about last night so I know I won’t talk about it at school.”  They don’t hold onto things, grudges, hurt feelings, and all the gobbily-gook we learn to hang onto.  I am fascinated watching them as they grow up to learn when it happens.  When do we start to hold on to emotional responses and events?  My sons already hold on to physical stuff…sadly, they are pack-rats in training.  I do try to teach them that is okay to let go of stuff sooner rather than later because you don’t really need it.

I now gauge whether or not to keep things by wondering if my sons would look at it and ask why I saved it for so many years before tossing it in a trash bag without much fanfare when cleaning out my stuff. Again, forgive the morbidity.  Lord willing, I’ve got many more years to clean out my stuff, but I want to make each day as full as possible and you can’t do that when you’re worried about saving crap.  I had a period of time when I so was obsessed with capturing the memory that I missed making memories.  I’ve gotten better at being in the moment.  But I still have years of old crap to purge.

Some of the crap is mental crap.  And you, dear gentle reader, get to read as I purge some stuff from my brains.  Let things go out into the void of the internet to finally be released from my heart, soul, or brain, whichever it’s been stored in for too many years.  This has been a week of purging things from long ago.  I didn’t plan it that way, but it worked out that way.  And I am thankful to move forward in several of my quests.  It makes the load lighter and the lighter the load, the quicker I can move.  Though it’s not really about how quickly I get through this stuff.  The stuff is the little bits and pieces that make up life.  To quote the lullaby I sing to my sons, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.  Take some time for life in between your plans.

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Big yellow dog

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

If you had asked me two weeks ago how much I would miss my dog, I would have said a lot.  Ask me today and I cannot express how much I miss Brigs, though I’m apparently going to try in this post.  This house feels so very empty without that big yellow dog.  I think I was trying to fool myself that it wouldn’t be that hard because he hadn’t been upstairs for a year.  But even being downstairs, his presence was felt everywhere.  I still see him sprawled out on the family room floor.  I still hear his his metal collar clanging with his dog tags.  I still hear him.  And I have wept like a big ol’ baby, huge wailing sobs.  Not around my sons since I think it would scare them, it’s startled me a few times.

Brigadoon carried a lot of weight.  And I don’t just mean on his body.  I had a lot of emotional history attached to him.  I got Brigs while married to my ex-husband.  It was toward the end of the marriage, I just didn’t know how close to the end when we went to pick him out.  The puppy was next in a series of steps-married? Check.  House?  Check.  Yellow lab?  Check.  My ex even had the name Brigs picked out before we found a breeder.  Had to be a yellow lab and had to be a male.  I had no choice in the type of dog.  This had all been decided by my ex before we were even married, before dating for that matter.  He had set a goal at some point of having a male yellow lab when he was married and had a house.  I did get to participate in selecting the dog and we picked Brigs.

Brigs was positively adorable as a puppy.  Very sweet, very even-tempered.  I got a bunch of books and worked with him every day to train him.  This was not supported and I had an uphill battle ahead of me.  There were a lot of things that happened after we got the dog that shined a light on the major problems we were having.  Until it was more than just us, I hadn’t seen them.  The breaking point happened when I came home one day to find Brigs soaking wet in his crate and my ex watching television with a scowl on his face.  It seems that Brigs played in some puddles in the backyard (water dog) and got muddy.  My ex tried to rinse him off with the hose which the puppy interpreted as play.  My ex lost his temper with Brigs, hit him with the hose, and eventually stuck him in the crate.  The look on Brigs’ face when I had gotten home was so sad.   An argument between the ex and I then happened.

On so many levels I owed this dog so much.  My ex and I had been discussing children by this point and seeing the reaction about a muddy dog made me wonder what type of reaction would happen about a muddy kid, which even then I knew was bound to be a regular occurrence.  The inability of us to calmly discuss matters about the dog made me wonder how we would ever come to mutual decisions about children.  It couldn’t always be his way.  My voice, my opinion, didn’t matter.  While he may have intended some things to seem like compromises, it felt more like ultimatums.

The experiences with this little puppy made me re-examine my marriage and where we were and if we were actually trying to travel a path together.  The reflection brought forth the answer that we were not sharing similar visions except on a superficial level.  There were other factors, but they don’t need to be explored in such a format as this.  The point is that this dear sweet dog gave me the courage to accept that this marriage was not healthy and that changes had to be made.  The changes I suggested were refused so I accepted that it was over.

As we began the messy, ugly chore of separating our belongings, several items became bones of contention.  My Highlander sword.  That practice of ultimatums came out again.  I could have my Highlander sword OR the rest of the weapons I had collected.  I couldn’t afford to start over in my collection and so the crowning jewel of it was sacrificed.  It went this way for many items.  I let many things go by keeping my eye on the big picture.  But when it came to the pets, they all came with me.  The cats and hamster were mine in the sense that I brought them to the marriage.  The dog was technically ours, but I stated I was taking Brigs.  As he challenged me on this, I simply reminded him of the rainy day episode and said the dog comes with me.  My ex agreed.

I walked out of the marriage with basically what I walked into it with, but with a lot of debt added in because of stupid choices I agreed to over the two and a half years we were married.  I walked out without some of my optimism and that took a long time to reacquire.  Brigs helped with that because he was always just so damn happy.  His tail was always wagging and he seemed to smile when I came home to our tiny apartment.  It was a bear to find an apartment in my teeny budget that allowed dogs his size.  I only got into the place I did because I had the crate.

Brigs loved his crate!  He would go into his crate when he wanted a nap and close the gate behind him.  It was his way of saying “do not disturb”.  When he was done having his “me time”, out of the crate he’d come, tail wagging.  During those behind-closed-gate naps he would snore like nothing you’ve heard before.  Lips flapping, whole body wiggling at times, chasing bunnies with his feet running in air.  Brigadoon’s happiness and optimism helped me as I moved forward.

I also lost a lot of trust as that marriage ended.  I questioned motives, I looked for the “catch” from what people offered.  Brigs loved unconditionally and with total trust.  He helped me relearn trust.  He taught me so much about unconditional love.

But, being a human, I still had emotional memories attached to Brigs.  He represented so much about changing my life.  His existence in my life made my marriage today possible.  He helped make being a mommy possible.  And then to top it all off, even though he was four when our first son was born, he adapted to a baby so quickly.  Brigs loved having brothers!  He would position himself in front of the nursery door when I put one of the boys in for a nap.  He would guard the door!  He was protecting them.

He protected me.  Always being happy to see me protected me from becoming cynical.

As he got older, and I started thinking about the fact that he would not actually live forever, I wondered how I would feel when Brigs was gone.  I had no idea how many memories would wake up.  I had no idea how much release would come-a feeling that that marriage was really over.  Done.  Dead and buried.  Brigs was supposed to mark the beginning of that family and instead he marked the end.  And he went on to add so much to this family-to my hubby’s life, our sons’ lives, my life.

Oh, I miss that big yellow dog.

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Yeah, I know that.

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on February 22, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Last night during dinner, I asked my youngest about school.  He quickly shared that he had to write a story but he was not sure how because he missed most of writing when he went to speech.   I asked him what he did remember about the story.  He said it needed to have a middle, a beginning, and an end.  I asked if it was possibly a story with a beginning, middle, and end to which he replied, “Yes, that’s it!”

Well, older brother could no longer contain himself.  He had to chime in with his two cents.  He proudly declared that he writes stories with FIVE paragraphs.  He asked his brother if he was going to start his story with a “grabber-you know, to grab your audience’s attention?”  I calmly reminded him that his brother is in first grade and at the moment, the class was focusing on beginning, middle, and end.

My oldest son then asked, with attitude oozing and dripping from his entire being, if I even know what a grabber is and how to use it in a story.

I gently asked him if he remembered that my job is managing a writing lab at a university.  He quickly remembered and acquiesced that I might, in fact, understand the concept of a grabber.  I then told him I hope one day he graduates from the “classic five paragraph essay” because there are so many wonderful ways to write.

It was another rough night for the oldest son.  My youngest received the lion’s share of my time.  We brainstormed some ideas for his story.  He says he doesn’t finish his writing at school because he spends all his time thinking of what to write.  Now he has a plan for the story and he decorated his list with Sponge Bob stickers so I know he was pleased with it.  But this took most of the evening because I wanted him to enjoy the process.  We didn’t rush.  We brainstormed at the speed of a six-year-old.

Eight-year-old was crushed.  The evening was not centered around him.  This has been happening more often and he’s having some trouble with this adjustment of the Mom-time.  Once they were tucked into bed, I called my oldest son out under the guise that he needed to put something in his backpack.  I hoped that would be a boring enough request that my youngest would stay in bed.  Nope, he wandered down the hall about 8 steps behind his big bro.  I shooed him back to bed and called my oldest over for a good old-fashioned Brady Bunch talk.

I asked him why he had been so angry with me all night and he fessed up that he didn’t like so much time going to his brother.  I explained that it wasn’t that I love him any less, but that it was a shift to balance the time between the two of them.  We had a great talk and a lot of hugs.  Then his younger brother came down the hall again.  We three cuddled for a while on the couch and talked about random and wonderful things.  Once they were tucked into bed again, they happily drifted off to sleep.

Yeah, I know a few things.  But with each passing day they think I know less and less.

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Thoughtful

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on February 20, 2012| Leave a Comment »

We don’t take enough time to think anymore.  To simply sit and be thoughtful about matters.  We rush through our days and possibly take stock at the end of the night as we brush our teeth.  I suggest that thought may only happen when brushing teeth since one’s mouth is full and talking becomes ridiculous.  Not impossible, but silly sounding!

In the heat of a moment choices can be made.  Without thinking it through, without making a thoughtful decision, a choice may come across very differently than one intended.  A person might think that what he is doing is making things simple for the others involved, but then it comes across to the others as having a deeper meaning.

When you are the recipient of such a situation, you need to be thoughtful about your response.

Tonight I will be thoughtful.  I will reflect on a series of events that span the past few months, perhaps the past year.  I will see where I stand after being thoughtful.  Then I will decide where to go with it next.  It may take more than just tonight.  It may take a while.  Because the action that may have been seen as simple was rather hurtful, at least with how the enclosed note read.

If only I had been more thoughtful and not thrown the note out.  But it hurt to read it.  Didn’t want to keep that around.

Thoughtful times are all that’s left to help me.  I will try to view things from the other perspective and hope the same is being done to understand my perspective.  And there is the gift of time.  Time softens things, makes the memories blurry.  Time lessens the importance I am placing on things today.  The perspective will be different tomorrow.

Treat yourself to a quiet time tomorrow to sit and be thoughtful. To reflect on the important people and projects in your life.  Be thoughtful of what you have done lately and what you want or need to do.

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Ah, simplicity

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on February 19, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Today was a day of simplicity.  The boys and I went to church.  I was subbing for one of the other Sunday School teachers and my students were the helpers.  This meant I got to teach my youngest son’s class.  He did really well having Mom be his teacher for the day.  I try to teach a grade that neither are in because there is a wee bit more pressure when your mom’s the teacher.

The worship service seemed to be filled with simplicity in that so much of it was prayer.  Prayers for the community as we struggle with the tragedy from Thursday morning.  The words from my pastor filled my heart and I kept adding my own prayer of thanks for my two healthy and happy sons.  The boys helped me put the new curriculum in the classrooms after service and then we drove home.

On the drive we looked to see if the carcass of the deer was still on the side of the road.  It had been several weeks since we sat and watched the turkey buzzards (I think that’s what they were; they didn’t look like a classic vulture).  The bones were still there but no birds were circling anymore.

We came home and had sandwiches for lunch.  We had hoped to go to the museum this weekend but the boys didn’t keep up their end of the bargain.  Chores had to be completed by the time I got home from work on Friday and the chores weren’t done.  There were a lot of tears, a lot of promises, and I’m sure they were thinking “mean Mommy and mean Daddy”, but they had the whole day to accomplish a few simple chores.  What they accomplished was making the mess even bigger.  I hate that part of being a parent.  I love to take them on adventures.  But part of the job is saying no when the time is appropriate.

Without the trip to the museum, yesterday was spent working on the house.  With actual thought and planning, we simplified our kitchen.  We have this pile of stuff that tended to sit on the floor due to lack of cabinet space.  I measured the space and found the two random, funky cabinets we inherited with the house would fit in the space.  I gave them each a quick and dirty coat of paint (theater painting in my vernacular) and we set them up.  Not only does this give us the extra storage we needed, it provides the ever popular extra counter-top space.  Ah, simplicity.

My hubby and I also talked about the fact that we don’t need to buy as much food as we do.  I am dreadfully spoiled since my hubby does the shopping, but the man loves a sale.  He’ll stockpile like a hoarder.  Today he went to get the lunch meat for the sandwiches and did buy some Entenmann’s donuts–on sale.  Today he only bought two boxes.  Yea!

Hubby did a lot of work in his office too.  We also agreed that the more we cleaned out the more there is to clean out.  We agreed it will simply take time and celebrated our little victories of the weekend.  I repositioned my wonderful “Vera” bouquet in a spot that highlights it beautifully.  I used the space it had been in to set up a little bar (when did we acquire enough liquor to require a little make-shift bar?  Wow, we’re like grown-ups or something).  I dealt with several bags of “stuff” that seemed important enough at the time to set aside but now are clearly unnecessary.  Time really does work its magic, doesn’t it?  Things that seem so urgent and important rarely are as important as we make them out to be.

And now I sit looking at my home.  If one of those “staging for sale” shows came in, they would have a heart attack.  But man, it’s our house.  It is fun, funky, and a little bit strange.  It always strikes me as odd when people ask me how the boys handle the office downstairs.  I have to remind myself that to some that’s a weird way to grow up.  To me, it’s not like it’s a funeral home or anything.  It’s a chiropractor’s office.  Sure there are a bunch of spines and x-rays, but what house doesn’t have them?  With my hubby working from home, our sons get to have grand adventures after school and all summer long.  We are in a phase of simplicity yet also a renewing of our shared lives.  It’s quite a lovely place to be.

Our sons bedrooms would also freak out the staging people.  A picture is worth a thousand words. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So our house is our own.  We live life marching to our own drummer.  At this moment, our sons are cuddling on the couch watching their beloved Pokemon.  Then they’ll get ready for bed and they’ll probably fight just a little bit.  Because they are brothers.  And that’s okay for now.  Simplicity.  Spending the weekend together.  Simplicity.  Doing a little bit each day.  Simplicity.

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My Lunch with the Gov

Posted in My lunch with..., tagged , , , , , , on February 17, 2012| 2 Comments »

Okay, this is actually a letter I sent this evening to the Gov, but I don’t have that category so we’re putting it under My Lunch with…

Dear Governor Christie,
Good morning (or whatever time of day this is read).  To whoever reads this on behalf of the Governor, good morning to you as well.

Please reconsider the bill for gay marriage.  I lean more toward the conservative side, typically vote Republican, though the better person for the job will get my vote.  I am a Christian (American Baptist) and I practice my religion.  I work on my faith every day.  My faith tells me to embrace everyone and learn to love the person regardless of what my faith may identify as sin.  Through my life I can live the way Jesus taught one to live.  That is my choice.  That is my freedom as an American.  We are all created equal in America.  Yet, gay marriage still is struggling to gain a solid foothold in our country.

I actually liken this issue to the suffrage movement.  Women didn’t have the same rights with regards to property and the like, nor voting.  Now voting is not an issue in this situation, but the rest lines up moderately well.  I could not imagine my life if my voice didn’t matter, if I were not equal to my husband.

How can I say that two gay people don’t deserve the same as what my husband and I share?  Love, respect, shared goals and hopes.  I know so many gay people and I love them.  I don’t like to see their pain and frustration over this issue.

I cannot stop thinking that passing such legislation would have so many benefits to our society.  It would be a giant step forward in diminishing stigma.  Imagine the hope it would offer to young people struggling with their identities in a society that makes it so difficult to express themselves.  Could it help to lower the amount of bullying?  Possibly.  Isn’t that wonderful-it would help to support the anti-bullying law that all the children are being legislated to learn.  If we can legislate anti-bullying, then we can legislate a new road to help forge the end of bullying related to homosexuality.  Remove the stigma and help with acceptance.  Help with finding the similarities rather than widening the differences.

There’s so much legislation that sounds silly to the average person.  Yet this legislation could actually improve lives.  And relationships between people.  And even the economy.  Most importantly, my friends would be able to celebrate their love.

Please know that I know you are making several statements with the whole veto thing.  I know what you campaigned on but this matters more than a campaign promise.  Sadly, if you leave it to a vote, not enough people will show up because apathy runs rampant in this state.  I know also that another reason behind the veto may be related to the whole political drama thing-making a statement that the senate and house are focusing on the wrong things right now.  This is finally a piece of legislation that moves something in society forward, unlike so many other bills that seem silly.  I really wish I could recall some of the stupider ones from the past year, but darn, brain’s drawing a blank.

You have impressed me thus far because you remind me of Dave.  Watch the Kevin Kline movie Dave if you want to know what that means (if you’ve never seen it).  But right now you’re starting to act more like a politician and it’s not impressive.  Stop campaigning with this issue, stop referring back to your winning campaign for the positive psychological impact that it can have on voters, and do the job you were hired to do.  And as Dave said, it’s a temp job at that.  Go for it, be a trailblazer.  Be bold.  Sign the bill.

Be well.

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Just in case you forgot

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on February 16, 2012| 2 Comments »

It seems for me that whenever I’m ready to plop myself down and dig into a deep and wide pity party, God lovingly smacks me across the face and says, “Snap out of it.”  I have had a blessed life.  Yes, I have had my own challenges to deal with and battle and overcome.  Some more intense than what others may have faced in their lives, but every challenge has had an outcome of me growing stronger or learning a new way to live my life.  I’ve been mighty whiny in some of my posts the past few months.  (Sorry, but then again, it is my blog.  I get to decide what I’m going to write about, though I truly appreciate you reading my whiny posts).  I also believe that the challenges I face in my life are totally valid and not any less of a challenge because of other events, but those events offer perspective and help me move forward.

A tragic accident occurred this morning in the town where my husband grew up.  My father-in-law lives there still.  We worship at church there every week.  I’m on one the boards of this church because that’s my church family and I believe I can be of some use in this capacity.  We got married there, we were both baptized there, I pray my sons will one day be baptized there.  So while I’ve never lived in this town, my heart weeps this evening.  A family has lost a child.  I can’t even write about that because I can’t fathom how that must rip one’s soul out.  My heart , my prayers, are with the family.  I have friends who lost a child and I am constantly in awe of their strength and love and patience to grow from it and to embrace their family close to their hearts with their child always in their hearts, with lots of love and hope.  I hope for the family who is living that tragedy today that they are able to find their love and strength as my friends did, do, and will.

This is the perspective.  This is what makes me write what I wrote above.  I can’t get the image of Cher out of my mind.  Remember in the movie Moonstruck, she slaps Nic Cage and says “Snap out of it.”  That’s what God does to me every once in a while when I get stupidly stuck in my own experience without looking out to the world to connect to the larger world.  To see Him weeping at some awful tragedy that has happened.  To challenge me to think of ways I could help the world rather than sit and whine at a pity party.

I hugged my sons nice and tight tonight.  I smiled as I heard them saying their prayers.  I thanked God for my blessings.  I asked for comfort and grace for the town of Chesterfield.

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Date Night

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on February 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I had a date this evening with an incredibly handsome young man.  He’s a little shorter than 4 feet, has dirty blond hair, and these blue eyes surrounded by the most amazing (girls are jealous because they need mascara to get these) eyelashes.  I even told my husband about the date.  He was jealous, but he let this young charmer spend the time with me.

My youngest was sick yesterday with a little stomach virus (no, not the norovirus).  We spent the whole day together.  Still, evening came and the boys were tucked into bed.  A few minutes later I heard the footsteps coming down the hallway.  Ah, my youngest, with tears streaming down his face.  He claimed to still be sick (he was using some of those brains in a most manipulative way).  After some deep conversation, the problem was identified.  He wanted more time with Mommy-without the big brother making the choices.  Ah, the root of the issue.

Birth order impacts each person greatly over the course of their lives.  When my hubby and I were gearing up to get married we attended premarital counseling.  It was awesome.  Part of it was to explore our families of origin and how they would impact the family that we were building.  You learn a lot when you look at your family objectively and identify the “roles” you are assigned.  Part of this process helped discover that as a middle child, I knew I would prefer to only have two children.  I also discovered a goal created from being a second child because I know what it’s like to live in the shadow of the older sibling.

There are very few pictures of me as a child.  My interests were echoes of my older sibling’s choices.  My schedule was often dictated by my older sibling’s many because he started his stuff before I did.  Age trumped beauty, I like to think.  😉

Anyhoo, I knew I would not let my second child wonder where were all his pictures.  No, I do not harbor deep feelings of anger toward my folks. Actually, I tease my mother about it.  At least I hope she knows I’m teasing.  But I am intentional in my efforts to level the playing field.  Still, my youngest is beginning to express his discontent about the rank of his big bro.  Big brothers do tend to boss the younger ones around.  It happens rather naturally.  But I believe in nature and nurture.

Tonight’s date included his choice of movie and no big brother.  Big brother was eventually invited to join us and then nature stepped in the picture.  We were watching School House Rock (oh, yeah, Mom was pleased with the choice) and the oldest was trying to tell his brother which one to pick next.  I’m sure you can guess the drama that followed.

Older brother really didn’t like not being the one to make the choices.  He burst into tears because “it’s not about me.”  He was quite troubled by someone else being in control.  The younger brother was delirious with the power.  Pinching was involved.  Parental speeches that echoed the speeches of Mike and Carol were delivered.  Hugs were given.  This was the first step on the road to a more balanced control of power between the brothers.  It will take many steps.  And many more Brady Bunch speeches.

All this generated an interesting declaration at bedtime.  The oldest stated that dad must be the boss of mom, mom the boss of oldest son, and oldest son boss of youngest son.  Whoa.  I quickly corrected him that Dad is not the boss of Mom.  That husbands and wives are partners.  And siblings are not bosses of each other, not are they their keepers.  The complexity of relationships will be explored for decades by these boys.  Of course, their mom is still working on relationships.  That’s the best thing I could teach them about relationships.  They always change and you never become a master at them.  You always work at them and sometimes they are beyond your control.  The only control you sometimes have is to let go of them as gracefully as you can.  And even then you’ll stumble.

Date night.  Way more than I expected.

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Reaching a plateau

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on February 12, 2012| 2 Comments »

The day was full of possibilities.  The morning started rather well, with some cuddling of the six year old as he cried a wee bit about Brigadoon.  The tears soon turned to laughs as we talked about some Brigs’ goofier moments.  Everyone was fed, dressed, and ready to go to church.  Even managed to scrape off the minivan.  Goals were set for the day on the way to church and the sun began to peek through the clouds.

Before Sunday School, my oldest son asked me to go see the puppies his teacher had brought to class.  I went in happily, the circle of life and all, and I doubted they would be lab puppies.

Yep, a chocolate, a black, and a yellow in all their furry cuddly glory.  Tears sprung to my eyes.  I quickly left the room and went to teach my class.

After class, my sons and I went into the classroom and held those cute puppies.  My boys were quick to ask for the yellow one (no), then the other two (no and no).  Their requests helped me to not cry.  We went into church and I felt refreshed.  On the way home we stopped by the firehouse to sign up for little league and then splurged on some Dunkin Donuts.

The goals I had set for myself on the way to church were still in my working memory.  I planned on a very productive day.  We pulled into the driveway and I saw the gutter hanging off of the house.  Called my brother-in-law but he was up north shopping.  I simply hoped it wouldn’t rip all the way off, exposing the wood.

I hit the plateau.

Everything began to hurt.  Motivation flew out the window.  While I did accomplish some tasks, the energy was gone.  How can that little of a day suck so much energy out of me?

Yes, my sons had a fun day.  They used their sleds a few times down the little hill.  They played outside until they were freezing.  They played Air Hogs inside, had fun meals, and were wonderfully behaved all day.  As I type, they are playing in the bathroom sink.  Water continues to fascinate them.  They’ve followed directions, been gracious, and had a pleasant day.  I love my time with them, you know, time not interrupted by other things.

My question, more to myself but if anyone has theories, feel free to share them, is how do I summon up so much energy at work five days a week and cannot make it past 3:00 on a weekend day?  What changes?  Is it because I sit behind a desk like a bump on a log at work?  Is it because I put more heart and soul into the weekend days because family trumps work and I wear myself out more quickly?  Obviously, like many folks, I wish I could work two days a week and have five days off with my family.  Since that’s not the schedule at work, and I’m not independently wealthy, I work five days a week and get two days with my family.  Why can I not manage my energy better on Saturday and Sunday?

So here I sit at 7:30, an obscenely early hour in my world, hoping my sons go to bed and fall asleep really quickly so I can go to bed with ice packs on various bones.  My bro-in-law was wonderful and stopped by with his wonderful wife and in the freezing cold, he nailed the gutter back up onto the house.  I got the ladders and hammer ready right after they called because we were losing daylight fast.  Now the gutter will at least hold till it can be properly replaced.

The many goals that were set?  I hung up two towel hooks and set up a litter box with an easier entry for the very senior cat.  The many others?  Still sitting in my working memory, wondering when they too will be accomplished.

Not tonight my good goals.  Not tonight.  I’ll be lucky to make it to the bed.

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The Good Hands of Liberty Mutual

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on February 10, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I am fortunate enough to have wonderful opportunities of fellowship with my church family.  This evening was our monthly get-together of the 20s-30s group of which I am a welcome interloper since I am neither in my 20s nor my 30s.  I wielded self-control of the tongue like Thor wields his mighty hammer.  Not that we can’t share and contribute to the conversation-that is one of the main hopes of the group, but my brain filled with so many personal connections to the topics that if I hadn’t demonstrated the self-control I would have seemed like an egocentric maniac.

Dreams…what’s your dream?  Part of our discussion this evening and a quote from Pretty Woman.  Dreams are such a part of life.  Songs are written about them, books are written about them, psychics will interpret your dreams from slumber.  One has a dream and that leads to a goal.  Then you work toward it in increments and often the goal is achieved and the dream is realized.  Sometimes not.   But still we dream.

The discussion turned to many topics this evening, but my brain has not finished working through them to share yet.  But there a few thoughts to jot down before memory allows them to slip away.

The idea of seeing something nice and then doing the same for someone else.  We knew it was from an insurance commercial but couldn’t recall which one.  I saw it tonight when I turned on the television.  Liberty Mutual.  How often do you do that?  Not watch the insurance commercial, but spread a little sunshine.  It is one of the simplest ways to share kindness and make the world a wee bit friendlier.

We also talked about the image of the “good hands”.  We’ve discussed that image before in relationship to ways we may picture God.  I do like the image of God’s large hands keeping me safe-truly the good hands. Good hands there to comfort you in sadness, cheer with you in times of accomplishment, pray with you in times of questioning.  But we also mentioned Allstate.

Is this group obsessed with insurance?  No.  But insurance companies play upon the craving for safety that is a part of the human existence.  The first two levels of Maslow’s hierarchy deal with safety.  We crave it.  We don’t aspire to the “fun” stuff like dreams and aspirations until we have satisfied our need for safety.  Once those aspects of life are secured (or at least as secured as those things can be), then we can jump in with both feet running toward our dreams.

It was fun to think about Maslow.  I also got to think about Vygotsky tonight.  It was discussed that growth comes from frustration or challenges.  Hee hee…the inner geek in me thought about the zone of proximal development.  One of my favorite theories that I love learning about.  The exploration of its application in my life and life in general frequently fills my mind.  I love the opportunities presented to me to be the more knowledgeable other (MKO).  But even more exciting is when I’m in the zone and I find the more knowledgeable other in the most random of places.  Many times the MKO is easy to find.  If I have to figure out the increase in percentages, I go to my boss and we think it through together (she’s stronger in math than me…the MKO).  If I need to hang something straight, I turn to my hubby because I have no sense of depth perception and hang everything crooked (though it looks great to me!).  I seek guidance from my husband, my pastor, my folks, my friends, but sometimes the guidance I need comes from my sons.  Or someplace or someone I cannot even guess.

Tonight I will slumber and most likely dream.  Perhaps one of those dreams will lead to a dream for my waking hours.  I think people have better days with a dream in their minds.  Dreams speak of future, of possibilities, of hope.  And as Uncle Stevie had Andy Dufresne say, “hope is a good thing.”

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