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Posts Tagged ‘love’

When we last left off, Gentle Reader, you were left in suspense as to whether or not I would return to work.  Okay, not that much suspense, obviously I went back to work (I mean, seriously, walk away from a job in this economy?).  Work was pleasant and fun and amazingly busy.  That’s what happens when you take off four days with only three more weeks before finals.  So the day flew by and Thursday evening was filled with oldest son’s little league practice.  After we got home, I experienced the most awkward couple of hours with my sons.  We didn’t quite know how to be with each other.  I think they were wondering what I would do and I didn’t want to overdo it in an attempt to compensate for the previous evening.  It was over and done with and at least one of the three of us had apologized for her behavior.

On Friday afternoon, my hubby brought the boys to work and the boys got to participate in game night with the tutors.  Oldest son made a board game and some of the tutors played it with him.  Youngest son played Doodle Dice with me and one of the tutors (who jumped in when I had to get stuff).  Then oldest son joined in on a game of Scrabble while three other tutors finished a challenging game of Tribond Kids (yes, I brought the kids edition.  Go get the adult edition and you’ll see how hard it is).  I enjoyed watching my sons hang out with my “other” children.  The awkwardness was still there with my sons, very faint now but still lingering.  They were truly well behaved there and everyone in the office was so very sweet to them.

We rode home and I didn’t talk much.  Didn’t have much to say.  Oldest son was sweet and tried to make small talk.  Youngest son was the strong silent type and simply stared out the window.  When we got home, we unloaded the rocket-sled and once we were inside, my sons asked to play Scrabble.

Well, I love Scrabble.  This was great to have someone to play with and we set up the board.  I had realized at work that my deluxe edition rotating Scrabble board is older than the tutors and yet here I was playing a game with my sons.  They are pretty good at it and came up with some surprising words.  Youngest son successfully and independently played the “x” by way of the word “fox”.  Quite proud.  Oldest son successfully and independently played zoo when faced with the challenging “z” tile.  They asked why some of the tiles have little chew marks on them and, as I had to the tutors, I told them of how Anakin, one of our dearly departed felines, loved to chew wood.  Eventually the game ended, and after I had tucked them into bed I realized the awkwardness had ended too.

We played games throughout the weekend, pulled weeds in two of the gardens, and stayed up late Saturday night watching Indiana Jones movies.  Today we enjoyed church, attempted to swim in Pop-pop’s really cold pool, visited Pop-pop, and had dinner at Friendly’s.  Showers and teeth brushing were followed by another game of Scrabble before they crawled into bed.  As they climbed into bed they complimented each other on their good sportsmanship.  I think that was reverse psychology intended for me since I had gotten grumpy when one of them played a word using the “e” I needed for a double-word score play of “zebra”.  The game ended with the “z” still amongst my unplayed tiles.

So now that my “staycation” is officially over, my house is no cleaner (somehow it’s messier), my to-do list is no shorter (somehow it’s longer), but my sons have fallen in love with Scrabble and I have fallen in love with them all over again.

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Well, I feel better.  I don’t know about you, but last night’s post really offered me release.  I know people read it (thank you!) yet even if it had only gone into the great big void of the internet, it helped me.  I think that’s one of the things I enjoy about writing a post.  It can offer a cathartic release for the soul.  Not knowing exactly who will read each post, if in fact anyone does, blogging is a very selfish project.  At least the way I look at it.

Throughout the day, I felt stress leaving my body.  I reflected over the course of the day about the post and felt warmth filling my spirit which worked quite like a hot water bottle for the soul.  I missed Brigs just as much today as I did yesterday, but the emotional baggage I had attached to him is fading.  This is a good thing because then I can begin to enjoy the memories of him and the happiness he brought more purely, without the crap.

I have been asked by several people if we have gotten a new dog yet.  Nope.  I have looked at the listings at our local shelter.  Little yippee dogs-not for us-or pit bulls-also not for us.  You can list it as an American Staffordshire terrier but still a pit bull.  I know that the dog is usually a sweetie and only becomes mean through the treatment it receives from an owner, but you have to wonder why the dog is in the shelter.  I’ve also looked at other pet adoption websites and there are some sweet dogs listed on it, but crying while reading the websites tells me I am not ready.

But at least I am ready to begin letting go of the remnants of hard memories.  Letting go is a lifelong process in my book.  There are always events in a life that cause strife and then you have to deal with them.  Sometimes the way I deal with them is to bury them deep down so I don’t have to work through them right away.  Maybe I’m not ready to, maybe I’m being lazy, maybe I’m scared to process it all.  So every now and then I work through some big chunk of stuff in my memory.  It’s sort of like purging the crap out of my house.  Time often helps process the hard stuff just like it makes the stuff in my house magically become crap that I can get rid of without regret.

Simplicity in life can be hard to achieve within my society.  It can be done but it means going against the mainstream and ignoring mass media and aspects of the consumer-based society.  I fall into the trap of “needing” things that are truly wants.  Then there is either buyer’s remorse or the need to purge items from our home.  It’s challenging to teach this to my sons when I still am struggling with it myself.  Happily, they help me get better at it.  As I try to teach them about wants and needs, it reinforces it for myself.

And so Brigs keeps helping me, teaching me, loving me unconditionally.  Isn’t that the heart of what Uncle Stevie reminded me of a few weeks ago?

“May be she’ll learn something about what death really is, which is where the pain stops and the good memories begin. Not the end of life but the end of pain.”
― Stephen King, Pet Sematary

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Okay, this is actually a letter I sent this evening to the Gov, but I don’t have that category so we’re putting it under My Lunch with…

Dear Governor Christie,
Good morning (or whatever time of day this is read).  To whoever reads this on behalf of the Governor, good morning to you as well.

Please reconsider the bill for gay marriage.  I lean more toward the conservative side, typically vote Republican, though the better person for the job will get my vote.  I am a Christian (American Baptist) and I practice my religion.  I work on my faith every day.  My faith tells me to embrace everyone and learn to love the person regardless of what my faith may identify as sin.  Through my life I can live the way Jesus taught one to live.  That is my choice.  That is my freedom as an American.  We are all created equal in America.  Yet, gay marriage still is struggling to gain a solid foothold in our country.

I actually liken this issue to the suffrage movement.  Women didn’t have the same rights with regards to property and the like, nor voting.  Now voting is not an issue in this situation, but the rest lines up moderately well.  I could not imagine my life if my voice didn’t matter, if I were not equal to my husband.

How can I say that two gay people don’t deserve the same as what my husband and I share?  Love, respect, shared goals and hopes.  I know so many gay people and I love them.  I don’t like to see their pain and frustration over this issue.

I cannot stop thinking that passing such legislation would have so many benefits to our society.  It would be a giant step forward in diminishing stigma.  Imagine the hope it would offer to young people struggling with their identities in a society that makes it so difficult to express themselves.  Could it help to lower the amount of bullying?  Possibly.  Isn’t that wonderful-it would help to support the anti-bullying law that all the children are being legislated to learn.  If we can legislate anti-bullying, then we can legislate a new road to help forge the end of bullying related to homosexuality.  Remove the stigma and help with acceptance.  Help with finding the similarities rather than widening the differences.

There’s so much legislation that sounds silly to the average person.  Yet this legislation could actually improve lives.  And relationships between people.  And even the economy.  Most importantly, my friends would be able to celebrate their love.

Please know that I know you are making several statements with the whole veto thing.  I know what you campaigned on but this matters more than a campaign promise.  Sadly, if you leave it to a vote, not enough people will show up because apathy runs rampant in this state.  I know also that another reason behind the veto may be related to the whole political drama thing-making a statement that the senate and house are focusing on the wrong things right now.  This is finally a piece of legislation that moves something in society forward, unlike so many other bills that seem silly.  I really wish I could recall some of the stupider ones from the past year, but darn, brain’s drawing a blank.

You have impressed me thus far because you remind me of Dave.  Watch the Kevin Kline movie Dave if you want to know what that means (if you’ve never seen it).  But right now you’re starting to act more like a politician and it’s not impressive.  Stop campaigning with this issue, stop referring back to your winning campaign for the positive psychological impact that it can have on voters, and do the job you were hired to do.  And as Dave said, it’s a temp job at that.  Go for it, be a trailblazer.  Be bold.  Sign the bill.

Be well.

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It seems for me that whenever I’m ready to plop myself down and dig into a deep and wide pity party, God lovingly smacks me across the face and says, “Snap out of it.”  I have had a blessed life.  Yes, I have had my own challenges to deal with and battle and overcome.  Some more intense than what others may have faced in their lives, but every challenge has had an outcome of me growing stronger or learning a new way to live my life.  I’ve been mighty whiny in some of my posts the past few months.  (Sorry, but then again, it is my blog.  I get to decide what I’m going to write about, though I truly appreciate you reading my whiny posts).  I also believe that the challenges I face in my life are totally valid and not any less of a challenge because of other events, but those events offer perspective and help me move forward.

A tragic accident occurred this morning in the town where my husband grew up.  My father-in-law lives there still.  We worship at church there every week.  I’m on one the boards of this church because that’s my church family and I believe I can be of some use in this capacity.  We got married there, we were both baptized there, I pray my sons will one day be baptized there.  So while I’ve never lived in this town, my heart weeps this evening.  A family has lost a child.  I can’t even write about that because I can’t fathom how that must rip one’s soul out.  My heart , my prayers, are with the family.  I have friends who lost a child and I am constantly in awe of their strength and love and patience to grow from it and to embrace their family close to their hearts with their child always in their hearts, with lots of love and hope.  I hope for the family who is living that tragedy today that they are able to find their love and strength as my friends did, do, and will.

This is the perspective.  This is what makes me write what I wrote above.  I can’t get the image of Cher out of my mind.  Remember in the movie Moonstruck, she slaps Nic Cage and says “Snap out of it.”  That’s what God does to me every once in a while when I get stupidly stuck in my own experience without looking out to the world to connect to the larger world.  To see Him weeping at some awful tragedy that has happened.  To challenge me to think of ways I could help the world rather than sit and whine at a pity party.

I hugged my sons nice and tight tonight.  I smiled as I heard them saying their prayers.  I thanked God for my blessings.  I asked for comfort and grace for the town of Chesterfield.

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Brigadoon

“…but not Ferdinand.

He liked to sit just quietly

and smell the flowers.”

(from The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf)

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Apparently going Joan Crawford on their asses works…a bit. There was some progress in just one day, and a busy day at that.  My boys are wonderful.  I have spoiled them.  I will continue to softly spoil them, in a more balanced manner.  They are both wonderfully unique and learning how to navigate this world in their own odd ways.

Perhaps what worries me the most is seeing them struggle to “fit in” out of our home since they are not forced to be a square peg in a round hole at home.  I don’t think our younger son notices it yet, but our older son does notice the other children staring at him, pointing or whispering.  Fortunately, adults around him understand and younger ones aren’t allowed to progress to teasing or being hurtful.  I simply hope they both keep putting themselves out there to experience as much as they want to without worry about what others think.  That’s probably good advice for myself where they’re concerned.

That and remembering a dash of Joan every now and then won’t hurt.  If you could see me, I’m arching my eyebrows even as I type…

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