Younger son and I went for a lovely walk in the park in a few weeks ago. We had a wonderful time exploring the butterfly garden and the park. And the old cliche is true, a picture, or in this case a slideshow, is worth a thousand words.
Posts Tagged ‘sons’
Butterfly Garden
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged butterfly, children, garden, nature, simplicity, sons on November 2, 2012| Leave a Comment »
There are eight
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Devil, God, Neurological Disorders, schizophrenia, sons, Tourette Syndrome on October 21, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Having lived with schizophrenia for this long, one gets used to a heightened level of paranoia as a norm. I am still haunted by the one psychiatrist who said I shouldn’t have children. But I do have two wonderful sons and I try to be the best mother I can be. Still, I watch my sons closely for any early warning signs, reminding myself they are still not of the traditional age of onset. Younger son, as I have written, will be evaluated for Tourette’s syndrome and I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes back as a “yes” as both involve misfirings of neurochemicals in similar areas of the brain.
But last night older son was talking under his breath. When I asked him if he was talking to himself he said he was talking to the angel and the devil that sit on his shoulders. My heart skipped a beat. Then I asked if he was making them talk or if they talked on their own. He assured me that he makes them talk. I asked how many there were. He answered eight. The second time my heart skipped a beat. He then explained a very detailed hierarchy about these self-consciences. The angel has a set, the devil has a set, and so on. I felt fine by the end of our conversation and the paranoia relaxed back to the regular level.
We have not yet told them about what Mommy has because they are young and do not need to know yet. We’ll tell them when the time comes because I do not want to perpetuate the practice of not talking about important things that exists in the families. That creates more messes than it’s worth. They will know what is in their pasts and what to be aware of for their well-beings over their lifetimes.
Eight voices. I had eight voices. The first two were God and the devil. At first they were comforting. But as the six others joined them over the years, and as what they were saying became more violent, they were less and less comforting. I do not miss them, most of the time. Sometimes though, when the decision is really difficult, I wonder how it would be if they were here making the decision for me. It would take the burden off my shoulders. But accountability is a part of life. Making good choices. Even without a little angel and devil on your shoulders.
Mealworms, crickets, and lizards, oh my!
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, Halloween, sons on October 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Oldest son does not want to touch the crickets when feeding his lizard. Only told me this after we bought the lizard and the crickets. Tyrann, the lizard, did enjoy some mealworms this evening. Younger son lost a darkling beetle while spending time with them. Only told me about that as he was being tucked into bed. I hope the little guy enjoys his adventure in the room tonight. Youngest son was so worried about telling me. I reminded him about the time older son let all of the beetles out in his room. We found them, we’ll find this guy.
Tomorrow night we have the school dance party. Oldest son is going to ask a girl to go with him. It’s a big step and face it, if she’s already planning to go, she may say she’ll meet him there. The boys have several people who have RSVP’d for their Halloween party so they are VERY excited.
All I have to do now is finish younger son’s costume. I just can’t seem to find the extra orange broadcloth. I’m sure it’s somewhere in this house. For now, I’ll attach the slinkies and he can try it without the fabric covering. He looks good in the Jack o’ lantern costume. I still am not sure what I’m going to be for Halloween. I can always be a pirate…but I’d like to be scary this year. Hmmmm…what should I be?
I love Halloween. It’s such a fun time of year.
I’m a little macabre
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Clue, hubby, It, Pokemon, sons, Stephen King on October 4, 2012| 4 Comments »
Last night younger son and I were working on the K’Nex. We’re on step 79 of 182. It’s a great way of teaching patience. As we’re putting the little rods into the connectors, he was quoting :Georgie” from the movie of Stephen King’s It. “It’s all your fault Bill. You let It get me, Bill. It’s all your fault.” He does this perfectly. He even looks like the actor who played Georgie. We’ve got to put him in a little yellow slicker and rain hat one day. As he keeps doing this, I’m giggling and telling him he’s a wee bit creepy. I wanted to make sure younger son knew where this was coming from so I asked him if he knew I meant “creepy” in a good way, that he was being funny. He said, “Yeah, Mom, I know.” Then I asked if it bothered him that some people look at us like we’re a little bit odd. His response? “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m a little macabre.”
Older son comes into the dining room (because everyone keeps their four foot K’Nex set-up on the dining room table). He had been working on his comic strips. I asked him if the “odd” moniker bothered him. He said no and then, in the style of the Addams Family, crossed his arms and snapped twice. I love my sons.
Tonight I decided to watch Clue. As younger son heard the music, he started quoting Mrs. White. “Flames, flames, on the side of my face. Heaving breaths, heaving…flames…” Yeah, a little bit creepy and a little bit kooky. And that’s fine by me.
I’ve never enjoyed the pressure of conforming. It is tiring to try to keep up with what other people think one should be like. I don’t want to live my life trying to be someone I’m not. I try not to judge and when others give the impression they are judging me, I just don’t have time for that either. Hubby and I teach our sons to do what they want to do and be who they want to be (yes, lyrics from the theme song from The Addams Family movie).
Conforming is far too tiring. Life needs to be enjoyed and you have to figure out your own standards, whether that be through religion or spirituality or common sense or whatever guiding force you follow. Then enjoy life.
And one quote from Clue, because I love this movie and it’s just so quotable…
Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I’m merely a humble butler.
Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I butle, sir.
Mustard: Which means what?
Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.
P.S. The boys loved learning that Wadsworth, aka Tim Curry, also played Pennywise.
This week…
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged family, grace, hubby, sons, thankful on October 1, 2012| Leave a Comment »
I am thankful for Hubby.
I am thankful for oldest son and youngest son.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for my church.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for our pets.
I am thankful for my job.
I am thankful for game night.
I am thankful for making even the smallest difference for someone.
I am thankful for exhaustion.
I am thankful for sleep.
What a world, what a world.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, death, divorce, Faith, family, sons on September 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »
No, I’m not wicked (or at least I try not to be). No one threw a bucket of water on me to make me melt. I just feel like I’ve been melting the past few days. I caught something from one of the students in my class. That wiped me out for the weekend. Homework for the boys is getting heavier (a good thing, just a time management thing). Work is sort of settling into the new semester, but there are always new technological challenges to face. And comparatively speaking, while there was great sadness for me today, I know there are others feeling this sadness even more strongly at this moment. My heart and prayers go out to them tonight.
There are families in this world that have experienced divorce. My husband’s family has had a few divorces. The interesting thing is that the family never exiled the ex. The ex-daughter-in-law, the ex-sister-in-law were still daughters and sisters. There is divorce in my family’s history too. I’m still the daughter, still the sister. That’s as it should be. Other relationships don’t have to end because two people can’t live together or remain married.
I’m glad that today I could be there, in whatever small capacity it was, to lend love and support when these special people from my life needed it. So while I have been feeling like I’m melting, today’s events reminded me that I’m not. I’m loved. And blessed with family in so many ways and from so many unexpected places.
When my sons are older, I’ll explain the whole history behind this other part of the family. For now they know the most important part-more people who love them.
So are the days of our lives
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, family, Halloween, sons on September 22, 2012| 2 Comments »
The sand drips through that hourglass and I realize this year is already nearing the end. How does that happen? I need to make Halloween costumes, start Christmas shopping, and thinking of how much weight I’ll gain between Halloween and New Year’s.
Where does the time go? I have set goals this year, little projects, and not many have been accomplished. It’s not gnawing at my stomach like it used to and that’s good. The priorities are clearer than ever in my mind and soul. I know the important parts of my life. In certain moments of my days I have to work harder to remember that, but it’s getting easier everyday to remember why I do what I do.
Two of my priorities are my sons (well, duh). Oldest son is having some issues with recess. So I’m working on a proposal to add some options to recess since he is not the only one having issues. Younger son offers many areas of focus. I picked them up from school the other day. As younger son came out of the door, I worked very hard at keeping back the tears. He was clearly very tired because the one tic was non-stop. It broke my heart. He and I have talked about the tics. He is a little self-conscious about them, but says they don’t really bother him. In so many words he said he doesn’t do them on purpose and has tried to stop them, but they won’t stop.
So I keep reminding myself that as the year draws to a close, I get to spend a Thanksgiving break and Christmas week with my sons. Plus I took off work on Halloween. Ah, some lovely breaks to daily life. A day to sit and watch the hourglass if that’s what we want to do. Or have an adventure or two.
Queen of Da Nile
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, Denial, family, hubby, sons, Tourette Syndrome, Your Mom on September 17, 2012| 2 Comments »
I let myself enjoy the weekend. I let myself bask in that river in Egypt. Da Nile. I didn’t look at work email all weekend (which was a nice change– I have got to remember that I control if I check it or not). In not checking, I didn’t think about work and I didn’t see the email from younger son’s teacher. But I’ll get to that in a moment.
I knew I was wrong about the possibility of canceling the January appointment for younger son from the moment I wrote it. As we sat eating a late lunch at Great Adventure I got my visual proof. As he ate his food, younger son’s head was moving and he didn’t miss a beat. His lip tic was happening too. Hubby and I looked at each other at one point and just gave each other that look. You know the look. The look between a husband and wife that says everything it needs to without any words.
That was Saturday. Involuntary movements were all of the map on Sunday too.
Then this morning at work I read the email from his teacher. She had written to let me know he was holding his own in class, keeping up with the other students. She also wrote to let me know she had noticed several head movements and noticed the sounds, the noises. Small, quiet grunts that younger son seems to not notice at all.
January 3, 2013 is a long time from now. I can’t not do something to try to help him (if you’ll forgive the double negative). Hubby wants to look in diet and nutritional options. What I wonder is if we try to help, will it make it difficult to diagnose something like Tourette syndrome? I am going to call the doctor’s office tomorrow and let them know that we can’t sit and watch without actively trying to help him. Perhaps if we keep a record of what we observe and what we try so they have a running record.
In college, we would say DENIAL all the time. How it wasn’t just a river in Egypt. We also said “Your MOM” a lot. Don’t completely remember the origin of the mom reference. It’s strange to be over 20 years out from college and be the MOM in denial.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, school, sons, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious on September 14, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
The change in younger son continues to be amazing. We scheduled an appointment for January 3rd (the first available date) with a pediatric neurologist for younger son. His behavior over the past nine months had dramatic changes. He developed three distinct facial tics. He became very angry and reacted violently to the most random situations. You could ask him if he wanted vanilla or chocolate ice cream and he would hit his head and scream that he was useless and run to his room, slamming the door in your face. He continually said how useless he was, how stupid he was, how he shouldn’t be alive. He was six years old. Then he was seven years old and it continued to get worse. No six- or seven-year old should be talking about how he is a mistake.
So we started watching him closely. Hubby and I noticed the one really big head tic. Then we noticed the mouth tic. Finally we made note of the blinking pattern. So we called the pediatrician. Then we called the pediatric neurologist. And we tried to use different approaches to start helping him. Then we started to prep him for starting school again.
On the first day of school, I told his teacher that we were going to have him evaluated for Tourette syndrome and gave her a quick list of his tics and warning signs that he was reaching his limit and would then shut down or get violent. I told her that he had been worried about going back to school for three weeks, not sleeping well, not eating. She was on it and ready to work with him.
Younger son came home from school that first day beaming. Second day-shared details about “all the learning”. And the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth day. His teacher emailed me and wrote what a sweet, sweet boy he is, how smart, how excited to learn. He’s happily done his homework each day and is keeping his room clean too! He reads to me with energy and enthusiasm. Haven’t seen the tics. His teacher reports the same in the classroom-happy, sweet boy who loves to learn.
Tonight I asked younger son how smart he is. I asked if he was “very”, “very, very”, or “very, very, very” smart. He thought for a moment and then asked if we could watch Mary Poppins. I replied yes, but why? He said, “because I’m supercalifragilisticexpialidocious smart!”
My guess is I’ll be able to cancel that January appointment. And schedule one instead with the principal.
Simple quests filling my days
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, Ferris Bueller, grace, John Lennon, simplicity, sons on September 12, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Quests. I’ve written of them before and I am sure I will write of them in the future again. Tonight, gentle reader, I write again of achieving simple quests as a part of simplicity and grace. Challenges come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes you face really large ones and other times the quest is comprised of many little ones, gathering force from the quantity of them.
Work can provide plenty of challenges. At this time of year, for me, it’s the sheer quantity of tasks that need to be completed yesterday that create quests. Quests to finish even one task in one sitting! Doesn’t ever happen but one can aspire to have that happen. These quests are seasonal and will return again next fall.
The quests at home are more fun at the moment. We are still working on the K’Nex. It’s gigantic. We have about 95 steps left till it’s complete. It’s a quest with an end in sight and it’s fun. The boys and I do a few steps every few days or so and we’re enjoying the journey…just as they’ll enjoy playing with it once it is finished.
A quest that seems to have connected with my sons is keeping up with their rooms. It’s exciting! They also have been helping with the other parts of the house. Granted, younger son created a little village of fear in the living room today. As I pulled into the driveway he was heading into the shed. I asked what he was doing and he said he needed more Halloween decorations. We compromised on using some decorations from the attic. He even asked if he could keep it set up for a couple of days till he was done constructing it. Then we’d take pictures and he would take it down.
As we closed the shed he asked if he could me with anything from the car. I beamed. I hugged him. I misted up just a bit that he asked. He carried in one my bags and reminded me that he is really strong so he could carry an even heavier one.
Simple events, each one. And each filled my heart with grace. Remember–life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. Lennon was right. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while you could miss it. Bueller was right too.
ohbloodyhell8 