ohbloodyhell8

Good Friday service was good.  I was charged to tarry in the darkness for a while, not rush to the beauty of Easter too quickly.  I can tarry for a bit.

I’ve been struggling with the idea of a calling.  Now a calling does not have to be to working in a church as a leader, though there I feel I understood my humble calling to work with the children of my church.  I’m not the most organized Sunday School superintendent, but I do love finding ways for the students to make connections to their own faith journey.  I really enjoy VBS and get excited and renewed by the process every year.

I feel a calling to be a good wife and mother.  I think I understand how the balance goes back and forth now as the boys are younger and need me more on a day-to-day basis than my husband does.  It is a challenge every day to be a good wife and mother.  I fail some days in removing the egocentric aspects of human existence and fail to focus on the true priorities.  But each day is another day to focus on the priorities and to fill my soul with grace and patience for myself and others.

The calling I am struggling with is that idea of a big grand purpose.  I realize there may not be one for me.  It may be that I contribute to this world through my relationships with God and my family.  But long ago I thought I could hear my calling so much more clearly.  Perhaps as my life travels have gotten longer and more varied, the calling changed to small tributaries on my path.  A little bit here, a little bit there.  I don’t know.  What I do know is I feel a little bit hollow or empty in some aspect of my life.  I can’t readily identify the aspect although I know what it isn’t.  I know I feel happy and fulfilled in my relationships with God and my family. I know I love being a wife and mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  Perhaps I am at a plateau and this hollow feeling is actually a feeling of calm.  A calmness I am simply not used to experiencing.

I do not have the answer.  But I don’t mind tarrying here for a while. Reflecting on this season and the gift of yesterday and the beauty of tomorrow.