ohbloodyhell8

No, not a reference to Sonny and Cher but rather keeping my own personal drummer alive.  This hollow feeling inside…this lack of a calling…did I stop marching to my own drummer?  Hubby and I truly want to support our sons in marching to their own drummers, but I wonder if I stopped listening to my own beat.

I think again of Salieri when he wondered why he had the passion for music, the ability to recognize unique talent, but didn’t have the ability to create that kind of music himself.  Salieri speaks of mediocrity, “I speak for all mediocrities in the world.  I am their champion.  I am their patron saint.”  Amadeus is a play and film that has always stayed in my head.  It’s a haunting examination of Mozart’s life, music, and Salieri’s envy.

I love when Mozart is asked where the score is and he replies, “Here. It’s all right here in my noodle. The rest is just scribbling. Scribbling and bibbling, bibbling and scribbling.”  Fiction loosely based on fact, inspired by true events, I love those plays and movies.  What I love about Mozart in Shaffer’s play is the pure love he demonstrates for music.  Perhaps that is what I am missing, perhaps that is creating the hollow feeling.  What is it that I purely love?

Perhaps also my wonder about callings relates to looking back from this point in my life and seeing the hills and valleys and the roads not taken.  I can’t imagine not taking the same journey because would I have my husband, my sons?  I cannot imagine my life without them.  Am I simply being whiny?

I should hum the Stones tune to myself, make it my little mantra.  “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”