ohbloodyhell8

audacious: extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless; extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive; fearlessly, often recklessly daring; bold; brave; unrestrained by convention or propriety…I used to be audacious.

I am rediscovering my audacious side.  I wonder when exactly I became so worried about the “norm” (and not our good friend Norm, where everybody knows your name).  But I am taking little steps back to me.  To who I was and who I had thought I would always be.  I’m adding me back to the mix of wife, mother, administrator and the many roles I have in my life.

Tonight when I got home from commencement (quite fun processing in the ceremonies!  Truly enjoyed myself!), I saw my sons across the street playing basketball in the street at the neighbor’s house.  The neighbors weren’t even home.  (Ah, I love our neighborhood-it’s like the one I grew up in!)  Even though I was wearing sandals and a skirt, I jumped right into the game with my sons.  The oldest has a fascination with basketball, but did not want to play rec ball this past winter.  He just likes playing it so he plays.  We had a blast shooting hoops as the sun set and streetlights began to glow.

How is this audacious?  I didn’t ask my sons to wait while I went and changed into “appropriate” clothing.  I didn’t panic at the thought that they were playing ball in the street ( like I did as a kid).  I didn’t grill them about homework or dinner, I just was with my sons.  I just let them be in the moment.  I didn’t kill the moment as I, sadly, typically do lately.  I was child-centered.  I had fun.

I haven’t been having fun.  I’ve been so busy whining about what I don’t like about my life that I’ve wasted time.  Since I can’t actually save time in a bottle, I’ve got to start using time the right way again.  I’ve got to clean out and purge what drags me down and just get on with it.  Carpe diem and all that wonderful stuff.

I sang last night.  Not for an audience unless you count my dog, but for me.  For the pure love of singing, like I used to for hours each day.  Just like my son playing basketball for the fun of it.  The discovery of life is what I have been pushing away from.  I stayed up past midnight.  Yes, I know, I am a grown-up and could do that any time I want to, but I got stupid stuff stuck in my head and stopped sucking the marrow out of life.

Recently my hubby had to bring the boys to school because I had to be at work early.  I was being crazy about him waking up on time.  He asked what would happen if he did oversleep.  I said the boys would be late.  He said (and I quote)…”and?”  I needed that to realize I’ve been sweating the small stuff.  I deny my true self any fun.  Who wants to be around that person?  Not me, that’s why I’m pushing that person out of myself.

My pastor talked about sucking the marrow out of life during the sermon a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve mulled it over, subconsciously, and realized I have to remember do that.  “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived…. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life….”  Discover I had not lived…oh what a dreadful discovery that would be.  I spent time in Concord with my great-grandmother, my Nana.  We went to Walden Pond to simply sit and be with nature.  My appetite for knowledge would be stirred by these trips.  That thirst for knowledge has not been fed for a while, and in fact, it needs to be awakened.  Awakened and shared with my family.

Curiosity, audaciousness, hunger, passion, loving, living…oh to teach these things to my sons would be good.  Best way I know how to do that is to live these things in my own life again.