ohbloodyhell8

Wilson said to Cuddy in an episode of House that women set unrealistic expectations and then overly criticize themselves when they don’t reach them (I paraphrased).  My husband says this to me all the time.  I do set unrealistic expectations and beat myself up when I don’t achieve them-regardless of the fact that no one could achieve them in the manner and time-frame I set forth for myself.  I am attempting to change this habit and the results will be twofold if I achieve the change.  I am already prepared for the reality that this change will take time.  But the twofold payoff is a valuable incentive.  Be the turtle and that big calling.

The first payoff is that I will transform myself from the hare into the turtle.  I always rush through things to be able to check them off of my list and in the process I miss the joy of the journey.  Becoming a mother began this transformation, but I have been resisting it in all areas of my life.  See, childbirth doesn’t go by the schedule I put forth.  I had to be the turtle in that instance.  My sons were going to come out when they were ready and only after patiently going through the process of giving birth.  So I savored each of their births and each was different from the other.  I have embraced my boys uniqueness since their births and they have proven to be very different boys .  But I will confess that I have not always been a turtle when it comes to them growing up.  Obviously I can’t make them grow faster than the good Lord intends them to, but I also have to keep myself in check to let them be the age they are and not rush them through to the next phase, because the contrived development can be sped up.  I want them to stay in childhood for as long as it is healthy for them.  I want them to believe in as many things for as long as possible.  There is no way of knowing if this helps builds their faith in other things, but I figure it won’t hurt.  So I strive to be the turtle.  Take it slow, enjoy the journey, smell the roses, and see the scenery in all its glory.

The other benefit of theoretically lowering standards and extending personal deadlines relates to the big calling I’ve been pondering over.  I have this life and need to make it what I want it to be.  I want to suck the marrow out of life.  One could miss opportunities for sucking the marrow if you’re always on a deadline.  You could also neglect the gifts that God gave you and miss hearing your calling.  I am striving to embrace me for me again.  I always think of the line from This Is Spinal Tap when the band is checking into the one hotel and they mock the guy behind the counter (I think the neighbor from The Jeffersons played the guy) and he responds “I am just as God made me.”  Dude, he’s so right.  I am just as God made me.  My faults are only faults if I don’t acknowledge them or try to improve upon them.  My quirkiness is a gift.  I still don’t always know when to “hide” it, but if people don’t get it, they can deal with it.  It is one of my gifts to see the world a little skewed.  It is a gift to remain optimistic.  It is a gift to resist cynacism.  It is a gift to still have child-like belief and fascination with the world.

Did you ever see the live-action film of Scooby Doo?  Scooby is the office of the owner of Spooky Island.  He sees a bobble head and keeps playing with it till the owner tells him to stop it.  My boss has a bobble head of our school’s mascot on her desk.  One of the secretaries brought it in and asked if one of us wanted it.  It sits on my boss’ desk because I would sit there all day making it bobble if it were on my desk.  The wonderful simplicity of a bobble head amuses me.  The joy my sons have when I bring out the face paints.  The joy of temporary tattoos is another great thing.    I’m digressing somewhat, but my point is that I don’t have to always be a grown up.  Who wants to be that?  I know when and where and how to fit into the different circumstances, but dagnabbit, the rest of the time I can my own quirky self.

It returns to my earlier posting about rediscovering the audacious self.  Letting go of societal standards except when absolutely necessary.  It returns me to Hank.

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

The simple things at a turtle’s pace with standards that are actually achievable.  A bobble head bobbles.