OCD can be a blessing and a curse. My talent for alphabetizing is truly neat and I catch little mistakes that probably wouldn’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but in my line of work these two things do come in handy. Catching the little mistakes more so, but if I do ever decide to pursue the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” path and become a librarian, both will be truly purposeful. I am glad that my boss really appreciates my ability to catch most errors (not all, I’m not perfect). When I do miss one, I actually question myself-how could I have missed that? It was so obvious!
It’s a curse when you live with the three stooges who do not possess the same affection for order or organization. But on my journey for self-improvement, I try to remember it is me stuck on this need. It does get in the way at times because sometimes you simply cannot be ritualistic about order, which is my natural desire. A place for everything and everything in its place. I also like to keep to the schedule I set forth each day. Obviously with two young boys, I’ve had to adapt. I have a few new things I do that I can control and they help.
I get an everything bagel four days a week at work. I don’t get the bagel on Friday because it’s early closing at the moment (so very nice) but also I prefer things in even numbers. Messiest bagel out there, but I always check for poppy seeds after I finish and I’m mindful not to get seeds and such on my desk. I put the cream cheese on it the same way each time and cut each half in half the same way. It sets the day to a pleasant tone. The nice ladies in the cafeteria set one aside for me now Monday through Thursday in case I can’t down till a little later in the morning. I also found the bagel balances my blood sugar nicely throughout the day.
I’m following a regular bedtime. It’s really early for me…11:30…and it’s starting to feel like that’s late! It helps me to let go at night. I’m no longer staying up randomly trying to finish one more thing. It’s helped with simplicity-setting simple goals for each day and accepting that they may not all be achieved. It also helps me to enjoy my time after I get home from work more. It relaxes me knowing that the day will in fact end and I’ll be able to rest.
Another ritual that has returned is reading Stephen King again before I go to sleep. The old friends are nice to reconnect with and a reader always brings something new to the text, so many are like brand new stories. I’ve also been reading at work. It’s been a goal to read research articles and such and I’ve actually been doing it. Today, my head was simply swimming with wonderful information, but I then had to follow it to some kind of end, which there wasn’t a neat and tidy ending to get to and this created frustration.
The newest obsession is developing my personal philosophy, theology, understanding of my place in this world, and the calling put out for me. It’s stalled at the moment, or it feels stalled. I’ve plateaued and I’m not sure where to go next. I’m in the zone of proximal development and I need the More Knowledgeable Other to scaffold me to the next level (yes, my inner geek comes out!). So I will read the good book and see what I can discover in the Word. Then I will read Uncle Stevie and fall asleep around 11:30. Compulsive rituals are not always a bad thing.
Something I have noticed as I tweak my use time from fungible to epochal (yeah, go look ’em like I had to) is that I share so much more with my family. My youngest was out in the back yard the other day, using nothing but pure imagination. It was one of the most beautiful things I have been blessed to watch. He was talking away to the trees, the dirt, or himself. I don’t know who he was talking to, but he was having a grand time. It was pure childhood joy not being interrupted or interfered with. In letting go of the human constructs of time, I saw these moments he was having in discovering himself within the world.
I am finally finding a balance and a positive way to use the OCD. Like Bob in What About Bob?, it’s baby steps. Baby steps every day.
ohbloodyhell8 
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