ohbloodyhell8

Do you ever have a day when you wake up and think it’s not going to be a good day?  You wake up and just don’t feel good about yourself?  Then you go somewhere and you hear something that makes you re-examine the whole thing?  You say to yourself, wow…it’s all good.  Life is good.  You are good.  You are as good as you need to be.  But then the day progresses.

Finally you find yourself sitting, feeling confused, at 9:30 at night and wondering if it’s too early to go to bed when you usually go to bed around 1:00am.

I find myself in a place where I am so confused, wondering how and where to find the answers.  Then it seems like I’ve found some clues to point me in the right direction only to have them stripped away as quickly as they were given.  This was one of those days.  I felt like I had found some great resources to look into, where I might find a deeper answer.  Then the day totally turned around.  I feel more lost than ever.

I have snippets of seemingly everything going through my head.  In trying to make sense of it, I only confuse myself.  Am I doing what I should be doing?  Am I doing the right thing?

Searching for one’s passion when you already know what your passion is makes one slightly bonkers.  When you can’t pursue your passion full-time, what do you do to keep yourself from going completely crazy?  I am doing what I believe I need to be doing.  But which is the better route for me and for my sons?  I want to teach them to follow their dreams; yet if I can’t do it myself, how do I help show them the way on their journeys?  How do I incorporate my passion in to my everyday existence?  I can tell you that I’ve tried filling the hole with other pseudo-passions and man, I keep getting knocked down.  I think I may have finally learned that lesson.  Trying to force a non-passion into the space previously occupied by your true passion does not work and inevitably makes you feel worse.

I have attempted roles that I am not suited for in any way, shape, or form.  I knew it before I even started them, yet still went ahead and moved forward.  I’ve done this over the course of my life.  You would think I would have learned it sooner than this.  But no, I am only beginning to understand the mistaken choices I have made.  At least I stopped making big bad choices.  I made a few of them in my past and they are messy to clean up.

So.  Now realizing that I’ve been spinning my wheels and truly wasting time in some of these endeavors, I know I need to refocus.  This will, in theory, offer more time for me to pursue the endeavors that are a better fit.

What am I so afraid of anyway?  Okay, I know the answer to that one.  I’m not good with risk-taking.  I like to take risks that I know will work out in the end.  Granted, by definition, that’s not a risk.  And that is my exact point.  If it’s a safe risk, I’m your girl.  Therefore I will wholeheartedly pursue my safe risks and scrape off the pursuits that simply do not fit.