ohbloodyhell8

Oldest son got out of the bathtub, wrapped towels around himself with a little help, and went to his room to put on pajamas.  Youngest son said no.  He declared he wasn’t getting out of the tub even when I offered to help with his towels.  Five minutes passed and I offered again (my mistake).  His response was that he staying in the tub for the next two days.  Stupidly I offered a third time (again my mistake).  It was a sincere conversation on my end to understand what made him want to stay in the tub.  I told him this was it and he said no.  I opened the door and started walking out of the bathroom when he said yes (his mistake).

The fury that unleashed from me was frightening.  This is the exact problem we have been working on and while it seemed he was learning, he tested me tonight and he won.  I kid myself everyday that I don’t feel guilty about working.  And tonight knowing I have to leave them again tomorrow morning to go spend the day with other people’s kids put the guilt into overdrive.  I will never stop feeling guilty about working out of the house.  I can rationalize it all the different ways that I do, but in the end I feel like I am not being the mother I should be.

According to the picture wall in my living room my sons are still three and five.  In reality they are six and eight.

I said to people just today how I don’t feel guilty about going back to work tomorrow.  I wrote recently that I don’t feel like I’ve missed things.

I am lying.  It breaks my heart.  And when each vacation ends, I feel sick.

I am thankful for all of our blessings.  I know to have a job right now is truly a blessing.  And I have a good job.  It doesn’t change the fact that I want to be home with my sons.  So I create this stupid drama.  I suppose in the juvenile part of my mind I think it will make it easier to separate myself from them.  And you know the stupidest thing of all is I don’t think they really care.  They’ve completely adapted to me not being home.  Yes, they say they miss me, they say they wish I were home, but I think they are fine when I’m not here.  It’s me.  When will I find a way to truly balance having to be a mom who works?

Do I stop taking vacations so I don’t have to relive how I felt on my first day at the job?

Do I play the lottery every day?

Do I go back to the patchwork-full-time-through-several-part-time jobs again?

Do I suck it up and cry on my way to work again tomorrow?

I look back at the choices in my life and I know that I couldn’t change any because then my sons might not be here.  The path I have walked is the path I was supposed to and three of the best parts of this path are my hubby and two sons.  I wouldn’t change anything because it might change them.

I need to keep my temper in check.  I need to draw patience and grace always.  I need to accept that I am a mom who works even though she would love to be home when her sons get home from school and on their days off and have as much time is needed to focus on them.

I have to suck it up and cry on my way to work again tomorrow.  And keep hoping to win the lottery.  But not in a monkey’s paw kind of way.