ohbloodyhell8

Recall if you will the scene in Amadeus when Salieri asks God why he gave him them ability to appreciate and identify beautiful music, musical genius, but only the ability to compose mediocre songs and operas.  He wonders why he is trapped between the two and not able to move to the next level.  He wonders then what is his calling.  What purpose he serves.  Once again I feel Salieri’s struggle.  I feel that trapped sensation.  And it’s nothing like the sensation of eating a York Peppermint Patty, I can tell you.

Still, there is progress.  I know I won’t become obsessed with killing Mozart…he’s already dead.  I am able to reflect on the situation and look for alternatives to finding fulfillment.  And it’s odd to me because I feel such fulfillment in being a mother.  It’s my favorite thing to be, and my sons always make me proud and offer me new and exciting challenges.

But…there’s always a but…I like to keep and maintain my own individuality and personal pursuits.  I just can’t remember what it was I’m supposed to be pursuing or can’t figure out what it is I’m meant to do now.

I’m not talking about a job, per se.  I’m talking about that thing you do because you love it (which I realize can be a job, but that’s not what I’m talking about tonight).  I’ve had several things over my lifetime.  I know I’ll find another.  But it’s been strange because what I keep zeroing in on doesn’t seem to work out.  So I will keep looking.  I’m sure I’ll stumble upon it at some point.

I return to my theatrical roots as I keep going through this process.  I have “Corner of the Sky” from Pippin going through my head almost every day.  Ah, the theme song for performers, artists, and those looking for their thing.  Did you ever see the episode of Little Bill when he’s trying to discover his thing?  His dad loves jazz, his mom was reading, I think, anyway, everyone in his family has their thing and Little Bill tries them all on for size.  But as we know, you can’t make something your thing, you have to let it evolve.

Ah, Salieri.  If only you had found your thing.