ohbloodyhell8

working out of my house if I had an episode again?  Wow.  That’s a doozy of a question.  I’ve never worked a full time type of job with other coworkers while having an episode.  How the heck would that go?  Would I be able to balance it all?  Or would a particular part of life suffer?  I would really hope I would be able to summon up the strength to manage throughout the day but not at the cost of not managing at home.  The episode I had a few years ago was quite manageable since I worked from home and the boys were so young.

I really hope I wouldn’t feel so drained by the end of the workday that I had nothing left for my sons and Hubby.  I really hope I wouldn’t try to process all of the feelings and energies of the episode in the few hours I get with them each day.  I hope that I wouldn’t be walking around angry with my coworkers all day, but I also know I couldn’t be that way.  Not quite what you want at the office.  I know that they are standards and protocols that are easy enough to follow at work, even in an episode, I think I could keep up appearances until it passed.  But would I then be so exhausted by the time I drove the 30 miles home?  (Another thing I don’t handle well when in an episode is driving-avoid it if at all possible, which clearly would not be possible since I would still have to go to work!)  Would I be  so tired that I would lose my patience with my sons?  Would the adage of hurting the ones you love come true?  Would I put so much energy and effort out during the day that I would have nothing left and have a quick temper?  Would I not be able to listen to their stories of their days with an open ear?  Would I be in zombie mode?

How would I handle sleep now?  I could sleep whenever before, but now I would have to be awake at work.  It’s a friendly environment, but I think napping on the desk is frowned upon.  I suppose I would just have to let certain thinks go at home to get the extra rest.  Oh, but then the OCD of not doing things at home could possible drive me up new and exciting walls.  Some semblance of normalcy would have to be maintained!

Anyway…the brain clearly wants to wonder about this stuff right now and the best way for me to handle that is to let it wander in the wonderings.