ohbloodyhell8

The boys have shifted in their way of viewing the world.  I’m just Mom now and they don’t come to me first for things, for help, or with questions.  They are forming their own ideas, learning how to look at things and make their own decisions.  Obviously this is great, but it hurts.  They don’t tell you when you are holding that little baby in the hospital how much it will hurt when Mommy isn’t the first go-to person on the list.  I don’t know anything anymore.  I know I will know things again in about eight years, but right now I’m as dumb as a rock.  It makes me sad that it happened so quickly.  They are 11 and 9, I know it doesn’t seem that quick, compared to heating up something in the microwave, but I blinked and it happened.

Cuddle times are few and far between.  Only occasionally am I asked to put a Bandaid on a cut.  I am still clinging to tucking them into bed at night, but even that is starting to wear on their nerves.  The kiss in the morning while dropping them off at school has become so perfunctory that I won’t force it when they decide to skip it.  I fear that day is right around the corner.

I get so little time with them each day.  It’s hard not to be resentful of my job…it gets eight hours from me each day and my sons get about three.  And during those three hours, errands have to be run, sports have to be practiced, dinners have to be eaten.  Truly it’s not three solid hours.  I guess the resentment will lessen soon since they don’t particularly care whether I am home or not.  I just have to learn how to redirect my energies to other parts of my life.

I just miss them.  I miss them asking to read a book.  To play a game.  To sit together.  I have to ask now.  They ask for the time restrictions to be removed on the computer or to borrow my tablet.  Or they play one of the videogames that I don’t know how to play.  Or they’re in their rooms doing their own thing.  Again, this is good.  They are happy, healthy boys with friends and interests of their own.

Still, I miss them.