ohbloodyhell8

For about two years I have been in perimenopause.  I can handle not being able to lose weight (unless I were to quit my job and make that my full time job).  I can handle the inability to sleep through a night.  The grumpiness (some say that’s not new anyway), moodiness, crying at everything.  The forgetfulness.  The random visits from my period.  I can even stand the hot flashes.  But what I cannot stand are the pimples.  Seriously?  All that other crap, but I still get the same damn acne I had in my teens?  I’m sorry but there should be some payoff for all the new stuff.  I console myself with the fact this is at least happening a little earlier since they took the one ovary out eight years ago.  If I were going through perimenopause while my sons were teenagers, someone wouldn’t survive.

So I wade through the hot flashes.  I don’t really mind the heat and I can manage the winters much better than I ever have in my life.  I wade through the tired nights that turn into the even more tired mornings.  I have begun to drink coffee.  Something I thought I would never do.  And that’s fun.  Watching Hubby’s face when I ask if there is any coffee…he still is getting used to it.

I enjoy making new discoveries about myself as I go through this phase of life.  I’m better at saying no.  I’m better at standing up for myself.  If I have to feel the way I do, I’m going to be comfortable in as many other areas of my life as I can.  I feel like I have a deeper appreciation for newness.  I feel like I feel things more than I did before.  While the boys are not yet teenagers, they are so independent.  I am finding more time in each day to spend with myself, doing stuff that I find interesting.  Rediscovering things I had forgotten that I found interesting.  I am giving myself more freedom from deadlines and timelines that I create for myself.  “I must have this, that, and this done by this time.”  Or when I get it done.  That freedom comes from forgetting what it was I was doing and starting something else while I try to remember the first thing.  I’m writing this at 11:30. I sat down to write it at 10:30, but couldn’t remember why I had grabbed the laptop so I puttered on it till I did.

I am embracing my middle age years and exploring topics and knowledge that pique my curiosity just for fun.  In my youth, I thought I would HAVE to earn a PhD.  Nope.  I’m good.  I just like learning.  I don’t need to do that at this point in my life and am glad I didn’t spend time doing it when I was young-not part of my career path.  I love learning about something new when I am ready to move on to the next.  I love learning about the stuff my sons are interested in so I can better guide them in their lives.  I love learning about our pets.  Who knew I would know so much about the diet of bearded dragons?  Or know so much about their poop?

Well, I am tired.  The new rule is to go to bed when my body is tired (since I gave up Diet Coke a few months ago and weened off of intravenous caffeine, I find it easier to tell when my body is actually tired).  It doesn’t mean I will fall asleep.  I simply will go to bed, with my hot flashes and pimples, and stare at the ceiling.  I’ll take my melatonin and it will help me slip into dreamland for a bit.  I’ll drift in and out of sleep.  I’ll dream of a pimple-free face.