ohbloodyhell8

One month ago my sweet, loving, funny, joyful, beloved father was in a serious and fatal car accident.  I still cannot believe it even though I have not gotten a phone call or message opening with “Hey, there, it’s the Bear-man” since then.  Even though there was no birthday card delivered for Younger Son.  Even though when I go to my parents’ house his car is not there.  People sent beautiful flowers and fruit arrangements, cards, condolences, but I still don’t believe it.  I sat in a trauma center with my family waiting for the doctors one month ago.  I identified his body one month ago.  I cleaned out his car four days shy of a month ago.  I attended his service five days shy of a month ago.  I visited his niche at the cemetery.  I still cannot believe it.

And I miss him so very much.  I don’t know what to do with the sadness, the anger.  I keep looking at pictures of him, looking through cards from him, watching videos of him.  I keep dreaming of him.  Having conversations with him, but he’s always behind a door, or in another room, not visible to me.  I know time will help with acceptance.  But it moves in such a different way at the moment.  Sleep is frustrating, but being awake is frustrating too.

I miss him.  I don’t want to keep being sad because I know he wouldn’t want that.  He loved life.  He loved his family.  He loved joy.  He’d scold me for being sad, but I cannot stop feeling so very sad.