ohbloodyhell8

First thing. I wandered back into denial about my dad being dead.  Just been hanging in a place where I’ve been comfortably numb.  Now while I did cry at every holiday-related event from Halloween through New Year’s, it was not a loud, unattractive sobbing, but simply a weeping (most of the time).  I lost it a bit at the youth group retreat because the giant bear in the lobby had the same ribbon that I had picked for my father’s Christmas decoration at the cemetery.  And we had to drive through the scene of his accident on the sixth month-iversary to get home.  But I was in a car with my son, his friend, and my pastor, so I kept it quiet and muffled.  Then tonight at the annual meeting at church I really read the annual reports.  There in the pastor’s report, the funerals he presided over.  And my dad’s name in black and white. Huge ugly sobbing crying all the way home (like the littlest piggy).  Thankfully, the boys went with Hubby to Poppop’s house after the meeting so they didn’t see or hear me crying about Bearpaw.

Second thing. Ahhhhhhhhhh…that’s me exhaling.  I quit my job three weeks ago and started my new job the very next week.  Such a wonderful difference.  I truly miss the people from department at my old job and the pirates, but ahhhhhhhhhhhh.  I spend my days now working with words and it is lovely.  It is quiet.  It is focused.  There’s a snack table.  Hubby made banana bread the other day for the table and it was gone by 11am.  Someone brought in bagels this morning. And there are Girl Scout cookies everywhere.  And I work with words all day.  I can get my geek on and it’s cool, because everyone is doing the same.

Third thing.  I wrote a post for my blog.  And it feels so good to be writing again.  I haven’t enjoyed writing for about a year.  I missed it and I was angry about that.  But by the time I got home each night I didn’t have any freakin’ energy.  My blood pressure was up, I’ve got about 60 pounds to lose, and I was just angry all the time when I got home from work.  I barely had time and energy for real interactions with my family.  I certainly didn’t want to write anything down.  And now I do.

Three things.