ohbloodyhell8

These last two weeks before the anniversary of Bear’s death feel much like the first two weeks after his death in that horrific car accident. Once again, the image of Bear when I identified his body haunts my days and nights. The memories of planning his service, communicating with the funeral home, cleaning out his car, comforting the boys-they are swirling in my head, seemingly 24 hours a day right now. Emotions about decisions beyond my control are swelling up inside of me all over again.

I’ve driven through the accident site several times now in my travels, and on the 16th I will drive through it twice. After the second time, we will continue to the cemetery to pay Bear a visit, tell him we love him and miss him. Leave some carnations for him to look down on and smile at.

I don’t imagine that life will resume normalcy without Bear on July 17th, having worked my way through the first year. I’m fully aware that life is forevermore different. I know he wants me to be happy, to not spend time missing him, but loving those around me. And I am working on letting go to do that more fully.

I lost a lot when Bear died, more than meets the eye. My family of origins’s dynamic went through quite a metamorphosis.

But…I have a deeper appreciation for my friends who are my family, for extended family. I have had reunions in the past year that I never thought would happen and have more reunions to look forward to in the coming months. I’ve made peace with many aspects of my personal history. I am exploring my early childhood that I had tucked away. While I do have many difficulties in remembering much from then because of the schizophrenia, it is neat to hear stories. Not that schizophrenia causes memory loss, I just didn’t pay attention to everything as well because of the delusions and hallucinations. It’s cool having gaps filled in.

Hubby, Sons, and I will be visiting New Orleans soon. I haven’t been there since the 70’s when my family moved from my hometown. I’m taking risks that I wouldn’t have before because each day is so precious and why spend each day tired, drained, frustrated? I come home from work now and I have energy to spare. I yell less (although the boys would disagree after the past few days, hence why I’m blogging first thing after work, to clear my head). Little projects around the house are finally being finished, some were started three or four years ago, others I just started because I finally finished the old ones!

It still hurts, I still miss Bear dearly, I still want one more hug from him. Still, I am learning how to tuck that away in my heart and to focus on my many blessings. To let go of things I cannot control. To set boundaries to end useless, painful cycles. To focus on the love surrounding me in so many ways. To be open and ready for the way family and friends show up when you didn’t even know how much you needed them.