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Archive for the ‘Musings and Epiphanies’ Category

I’m going to be an astronaut

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 27, 2012| 2 Comments »

As I was tucking in youngest son this evening, he told me still was going to follow the plan he made when he was three.

“Mom, I’m going to build a rocket.  There will be the large one with the small one attached to it, you know the way they make rockets.  The large part will blast it into space to the moon.  I’ll attach a video camera to it and get a movie of the moon.  I’ll have to weight it down, so I’ll make a space to put the concrete.  Then on Monday I’ll bring the video to school and I’ll show it to my class because I can share on Mondays.  I want to study the moon.”

“So you’re going to be an astronaut?”

“Yep, I’m going to fly to the moon and study it.  You know it’s always full, there’s just a dark side.  If you look close you can see the line.  See?  It looks sort of green.”

“I see.”

“I’m gonna study the moon and be an astronaut.  Well, for one of my jobs.  I don’t know what else I’ll be.  Besides, I’d love to go to the moon.”

“Do you know that’s a great story?  Maybe that can be your next story for writing.”

“That’s a story?”

“Yes.  All you would have to do is write it down.”

“Really, that could be a story?  Could I start it with ‘I’m still going to do the plan I made when I was three’?”

“Yep.”

“I can do that.  I’m gonna fly to the moon.”

“Promise me you’ll fly home.”

Ah, my little astronaut writer.

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Madonna and Regret

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on March 26, 2012| Leave a Comment »

In the heat of the moment this evening, oldest son decided he no longer wanted to share a room with youngest son.  He wanted some space.  I agreed.  They’ve been fighting a lot, little fights, but enough of them to have become highly annoying and distracting to whatever is the true focus.  Youngest son thought this idea was great.  His own space, some independence, and he could decide things for himself without negotiations that rival the UN.  He set right to work (at 8:30pm) in clearing off the bed in the shark room so he could set up housekeeping this very evening.

We all helped in this effort.  The dioramas from several months ago were abandoned as they were taking up a lot of space on the bed.  The shark room had become the place that the boys stuck things when they had to deal with them (because I made them) but didn’t really want to deal with them.  We threw a lot of stuff out.  It felt mighty good for the mommy to purge stuff and the motivation was there so I struck while the iron was hot.  There was no new episode of House…I had forgotten it was a two hour season finale of Alcatraz (I thought I would have gotten into that show with my love of prisons, but didn’t happen).  With no boob-tube to suck my energies, I had simply put on a channel that was in the middle of a Madonna take-over.  A good beat in the background, we got a lot done.  Fresh sheets on the shark room bed and it was time to tuck them in to separate beds.

When I walked into the dinosaur room, oldest son was sitting on his bed crying.  He was already regretting his decision made in the heat of the moment of this evening’s fight.  He did not want youngest son to see the tears and hid them at all cost.  I shooed youngest son back to “his room” and told I would be right in to tuck him in to bed.  Oldest son and I then talked about how this was a good thing.  A little space is not a bad thing.  I reminded him they could have “sleepovers” and he started to look at the positives of the quick decision.  I told him had been thinking about it for a few weeks, on and off, that maybe it was time for a break again.  He felt better.  Especially when I told him I would get another nightlight like the one he has now so he wouldn’t have to give up the fish nightlight.  Though I did point out to him that the triceratops nightlight went better with the dinosaur room and the fish one went better with the shark room.

Madonna was playing in the background the whole time and damn, how does she stay is such phenomenal shape?  I know she has trainers, possibly chefs to make her yummy, nutritious food, and the time to spend hours each day working out, but damn, she’s in her 50s and looks better now than she did in her 20s.  I really liked her look in “Ray of Light” and I really liked the song.  Many of her songs make me want to get up and dance…not all of them, but many.  “Ray of Light” is one of them.  I don’t get the British accent she uses intermittently (sometimes in a single sentence) and, maybe I’m crazy, but it seems as if the gap between her teeth changes sizes depending on her mood.  The lady can certainly dance when she wants to.

Youngest son got tucked into bed and he was happy as a clam.  He likes being king of all he surveys…all 12 x 12 feet of it.  He fell asleep with a little smile on his face.  No regret for him.  I think if Madge had been hanging with me we would have discussed the looks from her past, possibly chosen in the heat of the moment, that she regrets.  There are several I would point out.  One wasn’t an outfit so much as that time period where her arms were obscenely thin…they were toned…but so thin as to look unhealthy.  I didn’t like that look.  Everyone should have a little bit of arm flab.  So yes, as Madge works her way through her 50s, I’m glad the arm flab is back.  It’s barely noticeable, but it’s enough.

So a little bit of Madonna, a little bit of regret.  A little bit of memory lane thinking of when the boys first decided to share a bedroom.  It was four and a half years ago.  I said it was time for bed and the two of the padded down the hallway.  When I went into oldest son’s room, there they were, cuddling in bed, a wee four year old and his wee two year old brother who had just graduated to a toddler bed.  That was it.  Shared a room for the next few years, with a brief reprieve when youngest son was about four.  That was short lived, as this separation may prove to be.  Or they could be growing up just a little bit more and independence is a part of that.  But there are always sleepovers, or a shark tent in the living room.

 

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Bloggers Beware

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on March 22, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I read some comments on fb today about bloggers and people who read blogs and even worse people who comment on blogs. To this person I would say put yourself in the conversation and then judge.  I love how blogging lets you meet other people that you would never connect with in real life because of location, etc.  Here, on a site like wordpress, you can search for your interests and exchange ideas with like minds or dig into a fun (heated) debate with someone with views completely different from your own.

Back in the day, folks could meet at the local diner, restaurant, tavern, inn, etc. and sit and shoot the breeze.  In America, things work differently today.  Not all of America, but a lot of it.  A blog site or social networking site can easily be viewed as a virtual recreation of the old town commons, not restricted by geography.

I just like yapping.  One could say I write because I like the sound of my own voice.  I just like being able to empty my mind at the end of the day with whatever is still floating around in it.  Uncle Stevie once commented, and this is paraphrased, that everyone’s mind has a sieve and sorts out different thoughts.  Some ideas will fall right the the holes and others will stick.  In his case, the ideas that stick are the dark ones.  The thoughts that stick in my sieve are eclectic, like my decorating.

I don’t tweet and fb doesn’t seem to have enough space for what I want to express, so I blog.  Happily, if someone doesn’t like blogs, they can choose not to read them.  I like to write them and read them.  A friend started one just the other day and now I’ll have another one to enjoy.

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There’s a light over at the Frankenstein place

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on March 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

Do I dare think the light at the end of the tunnel is getting a wee bit brighter?  I really don’t for fear of jinxing myself.  I took the second small green capsule yesterday.  Still over the past three days I have found that my energy level has been more even and lasted longer over the course of a day.  Not anywhere near where it once was but still better than it has been the past six months or so.  Today and tonight in particular has been pleasant.  I actually had energy after work.  Granted, I went to work late because I visited the boys at school today (parent visitation day…makes it sound like prison).  But last fall when I went for the visit and then went to work late I was still exhausted by the time I got home.  Today I had energy and didn’t hurt.

I made dinner, cleaned up a bit in the laundry room (which I avoid still because I miss Brigs-he spent much of his time in that room),  and switched the fall/winter clothes with the spring/summer clothes in the attic.  I don’t do each season separately…don’t have the patience for that.  I did not change the light bulb in the bathroom because I didn’t feel like doing the balancing act in the dark.  I just kept the door open while I took my shower.  And now I sit, not crying in pain, but only feeling a dull roar in the standard spots (neck, shoulders, ribs,  hips, right knee, left ankle, both feet, and a little bit in the hands).

This is a good thing.  But still I won’t get my hopes up too much.  Could just be the lovely spring weather.

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Truly Glorious

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on March 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

On this glorious spring-like winter evening, the sounds of the insects are creeping in through the open windows.  The hum of the dryer is coming up from the downstairs.  And the most glorious sound is coming from the shark tent as I write this with only the glow of the laptop illuminating the room.  The wonderful, regular, steady breathing of my two sons.  Every few minutes a snore comes out and then it’s back to the rhythmic breathing of these two sweet souls.

I fell in love with listening to them breathe when they were first born.  What a wonderful sound.  So pure and innocent.  When they were babies, I would watch them as they fell asleep.  It never took long.  Eyes open one minute and then-poof-eyes closed and that steady breathing.  It calmed me then as it does now.  When I’m smart enough to turn off the bloody television and listen to the sounds of my life, I remember how much I love listening to the breathing of my sons.

I still love to watch them sleeping.  One of my favorite things to do!  To sit in awe of these little creatures.  I struggle to remember life before them.  I had three plus decades of life without them, but everything changed for the better since their arrival in my life.  At times, I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibility of helping shape them into the people they are destined to become.  I want to do right by them, for them.  There are so many challenges they will face and I can’t stop that.  There are so many celebrations to share with them and I love that.

Sometimes the celebration is simply them falling asleep after a fun-filled day.  And me listening to the breathing, in and out, in and out.  Imagining what they are dreaming about.  Loving them with all my heart.  Tonight is a glorious celebration.

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Rite of Passage

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on March 17, 2012| Leave a Comment »

The boys and I recently read Creepshow, the old school horror comic book by Stephen King.  It was a key part of my quest for the boys to rediscover and embrace fiction.  Find literature the boys would enjoy and connect to and they will read-Poe, Grimm, Beowolf, and Creepshow.  Tonight we decided to have a Saturday night movie night.  Oldest son asked if I had the movie of Creepshow.  Yes…and after solemn promises not to use any of the curse words they might hear, I told them that they could watch the movie.

We set up the shark tent in the living room and the boys camped out with popcorn.

I remember what a thrill it was to be allowed to stay up late on a weekend and watch something “grown-up”.  The stories in the comic book and in the film are more horror than slasher.  You don’t really see a lot of blood, there isn’t much of it.  The most is in “The Crate” and “Father’s Day”, but since it’s done in comic book style it’s not overly horrifying.  The boys have not jumped yet though I did in one of the stories!  I love being scared.  It seems that my sons may enjoy being scared too.

Oldest son said people think movies are better because you can feel the action coming.  Well, sort of.  You don’t have to imagine it for yourself.  That’s why I love books.  My mind makes up scarier special effects.

The movie has classic horror elements.  Not a lot of dialogue (comic book) but a lot of visuals (comic book).  Tons of wonderful music, sound effects, and some great make-up.  Lots of great psychological horror.  Much of it may go over the boys’ heads, but it will help lay the foundation.  The cockroaches are getting under the boys’ skin.  Hee hee, they may have the creepie-crawlies for the evening.  Then again it’s called Creepshow.

Tonight was a fun, memorable night.  My sons have been introduced to Uncle Stevie.  We even briefly discussed It and Pennywise.  Oldest son asked if we could watch the one with Pennywise.  Soon, I said.  Soon.

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Oh Bloody Turnpike Parkway Hell

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 16, 2012| 2 Comments »

I cannot stand the NJ Turnpike or Garden State Parkway.  These roads are scary and disastrous.  I was so tense driving on them that my back muscles are now finally relaxing and the pain is incredible.

Where do all of the people on the roads come from?  Where are they going?  How do we fit that many people in this state?  I was never so happy as when I crossed back down into south Jersey, back to my people, to my speed, and with roads with normal widths.

Really, could they make the lanes on the Parkway any narrower?  If you sneeze and the car shifts a bit…you’ll hit someone in the lane next to you.  The scariest part was seeing how many bloody people were texting.  How?  How can you possible think that you can text and drive?  These people are bloody maniacs and will cause “Blood to Flow Red on the Highway” like the classic old driving safety film.

The traffic was basically moving at the actual posted speed.  It still was a terrifying commute.  I can’t stand my regular commute so this was like being in the fourth circle of Hell.  And I wondered, as I gripped my steering wheel with white knuckles, who would do this commute every bloody work day?

I have a new appreciation for my commute, with lanes that are wide enough for actual cars, but I will still complain when there’s traffic.  The roads around my house sometimes have slow traffic-mostly in the summertime.  That’s my kind of traffic jam.

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Boys

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

My youngest climbed to the top of the monkey bars dome at the playground tonight.  No fear anywhere in his body.  The fear was all in me.  He was up and down, sitting on the top, standing on the top.  It was like one of these types, but bigger and a series of curved ladders with bars at the top.  Couldn’t find a picture to match it.

I simply couldn’t watch.  He just kept climbing to the top, standing there like the king of the world!  James Cameron has nothing on this six year old.  His big brother was at baseball practice.  I’m very proud of both of them.  Each was very invested at baseball practice.  It’s so neat to see how their commitment to playing has grown and how their ability has developed.  They have no fear with it.

I need to get them to not feel fear with their bikes.  I’m hoping they’ll each spend some time on their bikes this weekend.  Just need to get on their bikes and go for it.  My youngest isn’t that scared-the bike has training wheels.  My oldest goes about a foot and then loses his balance.  I wish I was better at teaching them these types of things.  Part of it is simply letting them do it and fall.  Get over the fear.  But I still wish I could help them better.

Letting go with bike riding is easy.  Wait till I have to let them struggle through even bigger life events.

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Scared the dickens out of me

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 14, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Last night I went to church for a meeting.  The boys came with me.  They like going to church with me when I have a meeting because they get to play in the nursery.  They’re too old for nursery now so this is one of the few opportunities they get to play in there.  Well, I caught them riding in the little wagon down the ramp.  I told them to stop and go back in the nursery.  The oldest got very angry.  I went back to my meeting.

Ten minutes or so later, I realized it was really quiet out there.   I walked down the hall to the nursery to find the door open and the following note on the floor:

Well, home is 12 miles of country roads away from the church so you know I ran out of the church like a maniac and started shouting their names, my eyes wildly looking in every direction trying to figure out where they were.  Then I heard the church door open and a very scared and timid but still loud voice called out “we’re here, Mom”.

I turned and went to them, put my arms around their shoulders, walked them back into to the church and down the hall to the nursery.  I told the crying, wailing boys to stay in the nursery and play quietly.  I went back to my meeting.

15 minutes later I checked on them again.  And found the door open with a note on the floor…and my youngest playing contentedly while the oldest was crying in the bathroom.

Oh, what a night.  My oldest wept and wailed for the rest of the night.  He protected his youngest brother.  Oldest said he forced youngest into it.  I pointed out that unless he dragged his brother to the kitchen (where they hid) then his brother went on his own.   When we got home, we discussed the problem with pranks-like freaking out your mother, making her run and causing all of her boo-boos to hurt even more.  Then we went over everything that could have happened if they had really tried to walk home.  I told them that I was about to run back into the church, pull the people from my meeting and have them drive off in different directions to look for my sons while I called the police and tried to remember what each had been wearing.  I also pointed out how dangerous the roads are for two young boys to walk on-no sidewalks, not a lot of streetlights, deer.  More wailing cries from my oldest.  Even some soft cries from my youngest.  Many apologies were given.

This morning both apologized again.  I shared the adventure at work, with the notes, and we all enjoyed the story.  It wasn’t funny last night, but I have already lost the anger.  The fear lingers still…but that will fade (or not).  When I got home from work, there were sticky notes guiding me to my bedroom.  There on my bed was a mother and baby panda (we call our oldest “Panda”) with another note:

“Dear Mom,

Do not be alarmed by the note.  I just want to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I treat you like you’re the enimey.  I love you and you love me.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here.  (I was born).  Love, H”

It’s true.  They love me and I love them, even when they scare the dickens out of me.

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A small green capsule

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 12, 2012| Leave a Comment »

For the past five or six years I have had rather intense physical pain on a daily basis.  (See the earlier posts when I’ve been exceptionally whiny.)  I went to several doctors and they ran the auto-immune tests (all negative, remember, it’s never lupus).  They did discover a tumor in one ovary and a wonderfully routine surgery later, I had one less ovary and fallopian tube.  Didn’t make me feel any better and blessedly it was a benign tumor.  Finally the rheumatologist gave me the diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  Basically it fit, but it is a diagnosis by omission.  Rule out everything else and that’s what you’re left with for the reason behind the pain.  The neurologist said the neuropathy in the hands, wrists, feet, and ankles wasn’t related and couldn’t figure out why it happened but that we would monitor it.

Recently I remembered (after being reminded by the same friend who initially told me) about possible thyroid issues that could cause the problems I’ve been having.  Back to the doctors again.  I asked the nurse practitioner to check the thyroid and during the exam, I answered a lot of questions.  The nurse practitioner decided to check some other stuff too, including my vitamin D levels.

If only the vitamin D levels had been checked years ago.

Explains just about everything.

I don’t know how long it will take the little green capsule to work, but to even think that I might not be in pain by the end of the year is amazing.  I’m guessing it will take a while to get the levels back to normal.  The levels are rather low.  The first little green capsule didn’t do anything yet.  From what I’ve read (not much, just found out today) it will take time to undo the damage caused by the low levels.  Years worth of low levels.  My hubby of course wants to know what caused the deficiency.  At the moment, I don’t care.  If a small green capsule will fix the deficiency and get rid of the pain, I want to focus on that for the time being.

I am daring to let myself think that one morning, I don’t know when, but sooner than I ever thought, I will put my feet on the floor and it won’t hurt.  I won’t need to take 1,000mgs of ibuprofen to start the day, repeating this again later in the day.  There will be a day when it doesn’t hurt to type,  Yes, typing hurts my fingers.  My hip bones won’t scream at me in the middle of the day.  My joints might actually be useful again as the pain begins to fade.  I am daring to think that I will have enough energy without pain to spend time with my sons in the evening doing more than just sitting in a chair and having them bring stuff to me.  Those nights I do stifle the pain and take care of family business, I pay for it over the next few days.  But soon my bones may actually not hurt anymore.

Do I dare dream?  Yep.  This is the first sliver of hope in years.  Held inside a small green capsule.

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