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Archive for the ‘Musings and Epiphanies’ Category

Sounds of chaos

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on October 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

One of the greatest sounds in the world is hearing your son using a walkie-talkie to talk to his friend across the street.  Thanks to the ALCS, Terra Nova is delayed.  The boys are cleaning up the never-ending supply of Legos, but also chatting with their friend across the street.  The conversation is not that interesting (M, is that you?…Yes, it’s me.  Is that you, H?…Yes, are we gonna talk or what?) but that’s not the point.  It’s so very The Body aka Stand by Me.  They could be following the train tracks looking for their first dead body.  It is one of the sounds of chaos in my home.

Another sound tonight is the vacuum.  I love vacuuming.  I simply don’t get to do it as often as I’d like to.  I have an awesome vacuum, lots of attachments.  It does an awesome job on the stairs.  Even sucks up Legos.  A tough lesson for my sons, but one that helps them to learn to pick the bloody things up.  I used to avoid the Legos when I was vacuuming, but it took a lot of extra time.  Plus, there were always more Legos the next time I vacuumed.   I also know there will always be more Legos to be had.

Another sound of chaos is the whining and barking of our 12-year-old lab.  He’s a good dog.  He’s simply old.  He’s got issues.

Ah, the grand slam ended the game (don’t ask me which teams were playing, I didn’t notice).  I did notice that my sons used the time to be kids.  One talking on the walkie-talkie and the other starting a new book about the Jersey Devil.  I hope they are enjoying their childhoods.  They grow out of them too quickly.  You have to have the great childhood adventures while you’re a child.  Soon enough, you start having real life butting its ugly head into the picture and the fun and freedom of childhood disappears in a puff of smoke.

That’s why I’m making a clown costume and a Headless Horseman costume.  That’s why they dig holes in the backyard looking for dinosaur fossils.  That’s why they listen to stories about the Jersey Devil.

I love watching Terra Nova with them.  I love that it’s on the same time Little House on the Prairie was on when I was a kid.  Yes, it’s a different frontier and the wild beasts are a bit more dramatic, but it is sort of like Little House meets Land of the Lost.  Only there aren’t any sleestak. 

The house of chaos continues to thrive.

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Back to reality

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Here I am back to reality.  The show is over…Mame was a blast and I miss it terribly already.  The fun part though is that my sons are doing bits from the show every day-walking like Ito, writing in their notepads like Gooch, and singing “Bosom Buddies”, although they only know a few of the lyrics.  They simply repeat those lines over and over.

My sons, as I may have written already, did a wonderful job with the Halloween decorations (yes, I will take pictures tomorrow).  We’re going to the fabric store tomorrow to get the supplies for their costumes.  I’ll drag out the sewing machine and whip up a clown costume and a Headless Horseman cape.  The boys declared this evening that they want to trick or treat with their friends, not Daddy and me.  Whoa, slow down on the growing up stuff!  The compromise will be they can go with their friends while one of us trails behind, one house back, to give them their independence.

Many moons ago I wrote about rediscovering my audacity.  That is still a quest and I am still making progress.  Our little family has a number of our own rules, guidelines, if you will.  Our own way of doing things and that’s perfectly fine by me.  Embracing that each day takes some effort, but when I am self-aware, it happens.  As I work on being my audacious self, I am also working on developing that sense in my sons.  And in my house, which has suffered at the hands of Mame.

But never fear…yard sale weekend is here.  I told the boys simply not to look at the toys I’ll be hauling out because they haven’t asked for them in six months.  I promised them none of the important ones were going on the block.  As their faces showed scenes of Toy Story playing in their mind’s eyes, I reminded them even Andy outgrew his toys.  I also told them they would still have the thousands of toys on the floors to entertain them (yes, probably literally thousands if you count each Lego individually).  Purging the unneeded items out of my attic and shed and backyard, oh my.

And the funniest thing happened today.  I had been in tense, psycho-mode (just ask my hubby) and then work provided me with a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment that it had not done in a while.  As usual the details aren’t dreadfully important, but to sum up, I rock at physics.  Sure, I know nothing about the field of physics other than an apple fell on Newton’s head, but physics was fun tonight.  I felt energized when I got home.  We then had our late supper, together, the four of us.  Then the boys and I went over their homework, dinosaurs were played with, fervent debates took place about who likes paleontology more, teeth were brushed, and blankets were tucked.  I still had energy and did some grading, laundry, and cleaning.  Even replaced the light bulb in the bathroom.  Good times, good times.

Finally, here I sit washed over with a feeling of calmness.  Simplicity has been around even amidst the chaos of the past few months.  Grace has been my friend as I’ve needed it.  Okay, I’ve been spazzy about the mess in the house, but I’m getting better.  I’ve realized that I literally say the same things over and over.  Lately, as I begin to say them again, I stop myself and save the energy.  Perhaps that’s how I managed to do so much tonight.

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It’s the most macabre time of the year!

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2011| 1 Comment »

Ah, the days are growing shorter.  The leaves are falling and creating wonderful foley sound effects under our feet.  We’re almost done our annual battle with our lawn.  Yes, it’s autumn.  Time to decorate our home to resemble the Addams Family house and show our creepiness and kookiness a bit more freely.  Halloween costume choices have been finalized and it’s time to start sewing.

This year we’ll have a clown with really deep pockets that can store all of the clown’s fun toys.  Our oldest wants to stock the pockets with a rubber chicken, a horn, a water-squirting flower, the whole classic repertoire of clown classics.  My hubby will dress as the Ring Master of the circus and introduce the clown’s act.  The only thing that will be missing is a tiny car.

For the more macabre child, we will be creating a Headless Horseman, complete with horse (made out of a wagon) and covered bridge that he never quite crosses.  I will be the covered bridge, pulling the horse-wagon, and he will ride atop it in all his headless glory.  At least he’ll have a mode of transportation for when he gets tired after the fourth house.

I love Halloween.  Probably because my birthday is close to it and I always had Halloween themed birthday parties.  People at work threw me a lovely surprise party last year for my 40th-complete with macabre theme, telling me 40 isn’t so scary!  I love the creepiness that oozes its way in to the every day come autumn.  Perhaps it is because the leaves are dying, the earth is shutting down for the long winter.  The animals hibernate, having stocked up for the cold, and the nights are no longer filled with the sound of the summer symphony but rather the eerie stillness of nothing.

The fog we’ve had the past few mornings has been lovely, except for the impact it is having on my bloody commute.  It’s only fog, people, keep driving.  Last week was Uncle Stevie’s birthday and Jersey celebrated with fog in the morning and a gray, drizzly afternoon.  Perfect weather for his special day.

Scary movies get pulled out of the vaults to scare the masses.  Michael Jackson’s Thriller will be played in heavy rotation.  And Charlie Brown will tell us once again that he got a rock.  Ah, tradition.  One year, our sons got to meet the Great Pumpkin.  We went to a pumpkin patch to get our pumpkins and one of the boys sat down on a pumpkin, with a thoughtful look on his face.  I asked what he was thinking and he told me this was a very sincere pumpkin patch and that the Great Pumpkin was sure to visit it.  We were invited back for Halloween to see if he showed up, and sure enough, the Great Pumpkin visited that very sincere pumpkin patch.  How cool is that?

Another great thing for our sons is that our neighborhood is old-school.  The boys get to trick or treat at a good number of houses and I don’t have to worry about the people giving them candy.  We know them.  The town has a curfew at 8:00pm that night (and on Tic Tac Night, too…though most call it Mischief Night nowadays).  Once the boys are a little older, not much, probably next year, I’ll let them soap up our windows and toilet paper our tree.  Ah, tradition.

There is a tree in the middle of an intersection in the town my husband grew up in and every year for as long as he’s known, the tree gets covered with toilet paper on either Tic Tac or Halloween night (I can’t recall which).  It blows in the wind and we see it the next Sunday on our way to church.  It’s a grand tradition, one that I hope never ends.  It doesn’t harm anything, TP is biodegradable.  A tradition that recently ended was the mystery visitor at Edgar Allan Poe’s grave.  The current theory is that the 200th anniversary of his birth in 2009 was the last time, as the mystery visitor was a no-show in 2010 and 2011.  I wish that tradition could have lived on.  I had never attended it, but I know there were regulars who witnessed it each year.  The person would sneak in, place the roses in the pattern and drink the cognac toast, a fitting tribute for one of the masters of macabre.

There are several other events I hope to experience that are traditional at this time of year.  There’s the fun over at Eastern State Penitentiary, but my boys are still underage.  Then there are the festivities in Tarrytown, home of the Headless Horseman.  Those both can be enjoyed on various days leading up to Halloween because until my sons tell me they don’t want to trick or treat, I will happily make their costumes.  One of my happiest jobs as a mother.  Even when they stop dressing up, I probably still will.  It’s just too much fun.  And a little creepy.

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Caffeine

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on September 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

A little over a month ago I gave up Diet Coke.  We’re talking a 25 year addiction to this caffeinated, carbonated collection of chemicals.  There were a few days over the years when I didn’t drink as much as I usually did, and I would almost pass out from the lack of caffeine.  Everyone said if you don’t drink a lot of carbonated beverages, you drop some water weight and I knew drinking as much of it as I drank could not possibly be good for me.  It took about four days to wean off of the stuff.  Most of what “they” say about drinking too much of the stuff is true, but not all.

I do sleep better.  I naturally reach a level of tiredness and I simply follow my body’s cue instead of downing more DC.  I am drinking more water and haven’t really had any carbonated beverages.  Today, I really noticed the energy and stamina I had over the course of the day-all without massive amounts of caffeine.  It felt really good.  It was the first day that I didn’t have a slump at some point.  I haven’t given up caffeine-it’s just that it’s from a gentler form, tea.  I also don’t drink a lot of it because I don’t want to start that dreadful cycle of a caffeinated existence again.

So, when am I gonna lose the water weight?

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Where, oh where, has my poor blog gone?

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on September 16, 2011| Leave a Comment »

It’s at the theater…I’ve been in rehearsals.  Lots of them.  Mame opens tomorrow night.  Actually upon looking at my clock, it opens tonight!  Theater is such a wonderful place, experience, way to live.  I love that as we stand around during rehearsal someone can ask, “Is it Christmas yet?” and the reply of “In about five minutes” makes sense.  If you know the musical Mame, it features among many wonderful songs, “Need a Little Christmas.”

I have two great numbers in the show.  Please understand–I am not boasting that I am necessarily great  performing them, but rather that they are two great numbers to perform.  “Bosom Buddies” and, my favorite, “Man in the Moon” are very funny songs.  I have truly enjoyed working to perform these songs to even the smallest percentage of ability with which Bea Arthur naturally performed these songs when she originated the role.  Vera is the type of role where one can almost selfishly not care if the audience finds it funny because it’s just so bloody fun to perform!  Obviously, I do hope the audience enjoys it because as all actors know, if there is no audience, there is no show.  Fortunately, one person counts as an audience.  I’ve played to some small houses in my day.  However, I know there will be at least five people there at opening night.  My hubby and sons will be there watching the show with my folks.  I don’t think my folks have ever missed a show that I’ve been in, except for the time I was doing children’s theater.  They couldn’t get into the schools.  I do think they saw the dinosaur play at the state museum.  (Wow, if only I had known I would one day have a son who planned on being a paleontologist, I would have filmed that show!)

There is a smell in a theater that many would probably find unfriendly, but I simply love it.  It’s the stink of all the previous shows.  It sounds less than pleasant, but I love it.  I’ve said it before (possibly in an earlier post even) and I’ll say it again.  Theater is a place where you wear random clothes that you don’t know the origin of, share make-up without fear of cooties, and throw modesty right out the window because you only have a minute for the costume change so it doesn’t matter how many people backstage see you in your undergarments.  During a show, everyone has got your back.  We all check for skirts tucked into pantyhose, smudges on faces, and props being in the correct spot.  You’ve got each others’ back because you don’t know what could go wrong.  It’s great when it all goes right, and most times it does.  But when it goes wrong, you’ve got to work together so the audience doesn’t know something happened that wasn’t supposed to.   And all of that contributes to the smell.

The lyrics may be corny to some, but there is no business like show business.  Would I love to make my living doing this?  Of course.  Do I?  Nope.  But in whatever way I can, I will keep theater in my life.  Wow, that may be the corniest sentence I’ve written since junior high school.  Corny, but true.

Still, that’s not the only thing going on in my life.  My third grader and first grader have started off their school years with flair.  My oldest is quite excited to be in the “fast paced” math class (even though he always said he was bad at math).  My youngest was writing down all the words he knows how to spell.  I suggested “evil”.  He said, with perfect timing, “What about macabre instead?”  Oh, my six year old…he’s a hoot.

My hubby just celebrated his birthday on Wednesday though we had a double surprise birthday party for my mother and him a couple of weeks ago.  Now he’s Miner 49er plus 1-hee hee.

Still, the time is late and I must away.  So I leave you with this…

 

The butcher, the baker, the grocer, the clerk

Are secretly unhappy men because

The butcher, the baker, the grocer, the clerk

Get paid for what they do but no applause

They’d gladly bid their dreary jobs goodbye

For anything theatrical, and why?

 

There’s no business like show business

Like no business I know

Everything about it is appealing

Everything the traffic will allow

Nowhere could you get that happy feeling

When you are stealing that extra bow

 

There’s no people like show people

They smile when they are low

Even with a turkey that you know will fold

You may be stranded out in the cold

Still you wouldn’t ‘change for a sack of gold

Let’s go on with the show

 

The costumes, the scenery, the make-up, the props

The audience that lifts you when you’re down

The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops

The sheriff who escorts you out of town

The opening when your heart beats like a drum

The closing when the customers won’t come

 

There’s no business like show business

Like no business I know

You get word before the show has started

That your favorite uncle died at dawn

Top of that, your ma and pa have parted

You’re broken-hearted, but you go on

 

There’s no people like show people

They don’t run out of dough

Angels come from everywhere with lots of jack

And when you lose it there’s no attack

Where could you get money that you don’t give back

Let’s go on with the show

 

The cowboys, the tumblers, the wrestlers, the clowns

The roustabouts that move the show at dawn

The music, the spotlight, the people, the towns

Your baggage with the labels pasted on

The sawdust and the horses and the smell (there’s that smell again–see I didn’t make it up-it’s real)

The towel you’ve taken from the last hotel

 

There’s no business like show business

Like no business I know

Traveling through the country will be thrilling

Standing out in front on opening nights

Smiling as you watch the theater filling

And there’s your billing out there in lights

 

There’s no people like show people

They smile when they are low

Yesterday they told you you would not go far

That night you open and there you are

Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star

Let’s go on with the show

Let’s go on with the show

 

 

 

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Randomness because I’m sleepy

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on September 6, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Rehearsal went well.  Then again I got to leave after scene 7.  I hope it went well the rest of the evening.

There are moments from my job that are simply awesome.  They warm my heart like Kenneth Branagh saying Shakespeare.  I love being a pirate captain.

A feeling of friendship can come from the oddest places.

My sons had a good first day of school.  I guess they realize it isn’t all bad.

My husband is a terrific man who gives such great support to his wifey.

I get to go to sleep in a warm and comfy bed in a really nice house filled with love and laughter (sometimes even while we sleep).

My dog has the cutest face and grunts as he falls asleep.

My youngest was really proud that in his “My First Day of School” coloring pages he gave all of the children “evil eyes”.   My oldest was pleased he was right and I was wrong-he could have brought his new Matchbox Mega Rig Squid Sub to school because it was indoor recess.

Thank you, God, for these blessings.

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Pomp & Circumstance on a September Morn

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2011| Leave a Comment »

As I always crave new school supplies in time for the arrival of the first day of school, I recently bought myself a new insulated lunch bag.  It’s the Mystery Machine with Scooby Doo and the whole gang staring out the windows.  That’s right, I will never grow up.  The other annual tradition is singing Neil Diamond’s “September Morn” as the mornings grow chilly and the leaves start to hint at the orange about to peek out.

My sons went to bed tonight with mixed emotions.  They don’t seem to want to show me that they are excited for school, perhaps they are afraid I’ll tell their friends that they actually do like learning.  Or they suffer from the same anxiety their mother felt each September when facing a new classroom, a new teacher, and a new mix of classmates.  The elementary school I went to wasn’t that big, there really weren’t any surprises waiting for me, yet each September my stomach would knot up as I wondered about the new school year.

My oldest is wondering how to stop talking too much.  I told him third grade was when I finally figured it out.  Although I have told him before that I had the same comments on my report cards, tonight he seemed to really hear me when I said the teachers always wrote, “her work is fine, but she needs to work on not talking so much.”  He seemed a little relieved to know he’s not the only kid who has done this.  He said some of the students don’t like him because of it and this upsets him.  Mama Bear wants to go and talk to those kids, but that’s not how I need to handle this situation.  I need to keep supporting my verbose son as he learns how to control the need to verbally express everything exactly when he wants to.  So my heart will be with him tomorrow as he spends too much time trying not to talk.  I hope he simply enjoys the first day of school and ignores the kids telling him that he  talks too much.

My youngest was reminded to be patient with his classmates, especially if he has never met them before.  I gently helped him recall that they will need some time to adapt to his pronunciation of certain words.  I told him not to shout in their faces if they asked him to say something a second or third time.  I encouraged him to remember that when I ask him to repeat something it’s because I really want to know what he thinks or feels and that the kids at school do too.  Mama Bear wants to be there in case anyone makes fun of the way he pronounces certain words, but again, not how to handle it.  Hug when he’s hurt by it and help him understand that this too will pass. Here’s hoping that he doesn’t hit anyone either.  He doesn’t always have a reason when he does that.  My thought is he does that when he’s just too frustrated about something.  He also whacks his own head when he’s frustrated, though I’m beginning to think the real motivation behind that action is to get a laugh-which it is hard to not laugh when he smacks himself like Moe smacking Curly.

Each son will go to school wearing an outfit that makes him feel super comfortable with his uniqueness.  The third grader will no doubt be wearing khaki shorts, a dinosaur t-shirt, and his beloved red vest.  The first grader will be wearing his black skull shirt and black shorts.  He wore his black socks today, so unless he pulls them from the hamper, (okay, who am I kidding)-unless he picks them up off the floor, he’ll have to wear white socks.  They each have backpacks packed way too heavily with all of the school supplies they have to bring in and I’m even staggering some of the items.  I truly doubt the teachers need 20 sets of dry erase markers or boxes of tissues or wipes on the first day.  They can bring them in later this week.

And so my little Addams Family-esque sons will make their way into school tomorrow morning and march down the hall to their own drummers.  They’ll be in separate lunch periods this year and each will be able to claim a bit of individual space as they scan their fingers to pay for the food (How cool is that?  They pay by scanning their fingers! So much for brown bagging it!).  And as I wipe tears from my face while taking an obscene amount of pictures, I’ll be praying that God helps them avoid peer pressure, listen to the important stuff, follow directions, and truly enjoy this ritual of childhood…the first day of school.

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It is like riding a bike.

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on September 1, 2011| Leave a Comment »

The other night my husband ran lines with me and I didn’t suck.  Tonight I felt like the dances came together in my feeble non-dancer brain.  I have taken ownership of the two songs I’ve been so worried about.  I think it was the fear of putting the bloody book down and trusting that the homework I had done would still work like it used to when I had a younger brain.  It did.

The other thing that helped was finding Vera’s costumes.  They help the whole character come together and she feels more comfortable.  I’m more confident.  The other thing that happened tonight at rehearsal was that I really had fun.  I hadn’t at the past few (no offense to the fabulous cast and crew!) because of my personal fear, gripping my brain and body like a vise.  Now the fear has passed.  I feel good.

Well, as we all know, they man in the moon is a lady.  And I need to go to the moon land where I can sleep in the bed of green cheese, in my Saturn chemise, dreaming of the stars and the planets.  I’ll give the big dipper a kiss for you too!

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My cup runneth over and

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , on August 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

my plate is full.  My goodness, I do like a full plate.  The question is will I eat everything I put on it?  Remember how your parents always taught you to only take the food you knew you would eat?  If you wanted/needed more, you could always go back for seconds?   I think at the moment I am working a salad, dinner, and dessert plate.  Perhaps I should have waited to take seconds.

I am having a blast doing all of the things I am doing.  For the first time in a while I am doing some things I really want to do.  But (there’s often a but), doing all of these things requires time.  And it seems they all come due at around the same time.  I suppose that’s the part I’m concerned about.  If only they had been spread out a wee bit more.  If only I had the foresight to realize they were all going to come due now…ah, well, such is life.

That is why one simply has to embrace what one is doing and enjoy each moment.  The tricky thing is my confidence level is severely low for one of the things I am doing.  The play I am rehearsing for is the first one I’ve done in over three years (…I think I have referenced this before) and the first musical (requiring singing and dancing AT THE SAME TIME!) in over a decade.  I’ll admit I’m a bit rusty.  I feel like the Tin Man but without a Dorothy to oil my mouth, arms, and legs.  I do know I have heart so I trust it will kick in all the way once I’m finally off book, but this is new territory for me.  I have faith that the old adage will prove true, it’s like riding a bike.  You never forget.  Well, as long as I don’t forget my lines.

But, listen to me whining.  I have a happy family, a messy home, and we survived an earthquake and a hurricane all in a week with little to no damage.  And no tornado (sorry, Dorothy).  No, this time in the theatrical zone of proximal development will pass.  I just don’t like the uncomfortable phase.  But who really likes be uncomfortable?  Not a lot of people or we wouldn’t be spending so much money on our mattresses.

Sleep well, gentle reader.  I’m going to my comfortable bed.

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When’d that happen?

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on August 27, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Last night as I tucked my sons into bed, it hit me.  They are 8 and 6 years old.  When did that happen?  I’m pretty good at keeping the special stuff and packing it away for when they are grown-up.  I write in their journals (plan on doing that when Irene knocks out my power).  And I am a photo fiend…more pictures have been taken of these boys than any child needs.  But where did the time go?

Like slamming into a brick wall, the reality slapped me across my face that I had gotten wrapped up in fungible time.  Yes, I am currently obsessed with evaluating my fungible and epochal time.  I’ve missed so much epochal time with them.  I could not say with 100% confidence right now what they are thinking about and being about.  I can rattle off list after list of what school supplies they chose or what toys they want.  But what their hopes and dreams are, I haven’t a clue.

This is a struggle all parents face.  How do you keep your own sense of self, maintain your personal interests so you don’t look back 20 years later and have resent or regret, and be there for your children?  I believe I need to keep involved in things for myself.  I also need to keep my marriage strong.  And I want to be the mom that my boys come to with stuff.  If I could change the time continuum, this would be a breeze.  But since I lost my flux capacitor, I have to work with only 24 hours in a day.  The trick I remind myself of is to let go of the little things and embrace the epochal time as it’s presented to you.

We are in Hurricane Irene’s path.  Hopefully not right under her center, but more in the green section around the red section in the computer models.  Because of Irene, I don’t have to go to work today or tomorrow as scheduled.  Because of Irene I had to postpone my oldest son’s birthday party today.  But I gained 48 hours of epochal time.  I used the first 12-14 hours to secure things that could fly around and hurt people or stuff and to sleep (ah, sleep without an alarm clock, other than my diabetic dog barking to go out).  The rest of these hours are going to be spent celebrating my oldest son’s birthday with cheese sticks and marinara sauce (I had been making marinara sauce when I went into labor, so I crave it every August 27th).  We’re going to bake his cake and play Yahtzee.  We are going to talk about my boys’ dreams.  About what they want to be when they grow up.   About what they think about.  About who they are in this moment.

Happy birthday to my big guy and, again, happy birthday to my little guy (July 31st).  You have both given me eight and six amazing years of life.  And a lot of Legos to step on.

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