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The sounds of the cicada were so loud on the way home tonight.  As I drove through campus toward the main exit, their noise filled my car, coming in through the open windows faster than the warm, muggy air could go out of them.  Even as I drove home on the six lane interstate highway, the chirping filled my car.  Their pulsating rhythmic sounds created an eerie mood for the sultry night.  In my mind’s eye I could see them swarming, about to attack my car and me, although they are not truly locusts.  Their song bounced back and forth between the trees lining the highway, a sound man’s dream for background noise in a movie by Uncle Stevie.

I thought of how many exoskeletons were in the trees surrounding my path home and how my sons would love to collect the hundreds that must be there.  Our yard only yields a humble crop of them, this year even fewer because of the many trips up and down the Japanese Maple tree during the boys’ summer adventures.  My sons enjoy collecting the discarded skins and creating little habitats for them, just as I did when I was young.

The saddest part of the cicada’s song is that it trumpets the passage of time.  They are singing even as I write this filling my ears with the hypnotic blast announcing the arrival of the dog days of summer.  Summer session is halfway over and back-to-school fliers are arriving in the mail.  Soon I’ll have the annual urge to buy school supplies for myself…just because through my work I’ve never stopped following the school calendar.  I’ll crave a new notebook and binder, a fun folder, and cool pencils.  I’ll want a new backpack, even though I have never used a backpack (messenger bags and the like are more my style).  I’ll start humming the old song, “School days, school days, dear old Golden Rule days….”

But tonight I’ll embrace the song of the cicada.  I’ll crack open my bedroom window, ignoring the muggy heat of this July night, and listen to the symphony of nature until it lulls me to sleep.

Apparently going Joan Crawford on their asses works…a bit. There was some progress in just one day, and a busy day at that.  My boys are wonderful.  I have spoiled them.  I will continue to softly spoil them, in a more balanced manner.  They are both wonderfully unique and learning how to navigate this world in their own odd ways.

Perhaps what worries me the most is seeing them struggle to “fit in” out of our home since they are not forced to be a square peg in a round hole at home.  I don’t think our younger son notices it yet, but our older son does notice the other children staring at him, pointing or whispering.  Fortunately, adults around him understand and younger ones aren’t allowed to progress to teasing or being hurtful.  I simply hope they both keep putting themselves out there to experience as much as they want to without worry about what others think.  That’s probably good advice for myself where they’re concerned.

That and remembering a dash of Joan every now and then won’t hurt.  If you could see me, I’m arching my eyebrows even as I type…

Really?

My sons.  I love them.  The disrespect flying out of their mouths today was enough to make me want to go Joan Crawford on their asses.  (Note–I said want to…I didn’t.  Before you get your panties in a bunch, there were no wire hangers involved.)  For years people told me, “you’re going to be a wonderful mother.”  Parents wanted me as their nanny.  Children (of ALL ages) I teach now say how much they love me.  What an awesome mom I must be.  Could somebody please tell my sons?

I don’t want to be their friend.  That’s not my job.  I’m their mom and I understand that a certain amount of dislike and a belief that I am the enemy is a part of that.  But the disrespect has ended.  They were literally shocked that I made them spend three hours cleaning their toy room.  Hello, the mere fact that they have a “TOY ROOM” says something.  We’ve spoiled them.  It’s us.  We did it.  Now we’re undoing it.  The only people unhappy about that are the boys.

I’d write more but I have to go arch my eyebrows.

Chopped Liver

I don’t know how it happened.  I do know when it happened.  This is the summer of my discontent.  My sons have taken the first step to independence and I have become chopped liver.  Their world was parent-centric.  Now it’s play-outside-all-day-and-what-do-you-mean-I-have-to-come-in-centric.

Yes, I’m happy for them.  Yes, it’s means they’re growing up just like we want them to, with independence and confidence.  Yes, it means so many wonderful things.

But, first I’m going to have myself a bit of a pity party.

Where are my babies?

Okay, pity party’s over.  What an exciting time.  Yeah, yeah, for them, but I mean for me and my hubby.  We could pick up our hobbies again.  Heck, I’ve already been cast in a show.  I’m going to rehearsal tomorrow and the boys have to come with me, instead of me going with them.  My husband and I have had actual conversations in the recent weeks.  Conversation that were uninterrupted by “Mom, he’s touching me.”  I’ve been completing whole thoughts all at once.  I’ve been working on house projects, including catching up on Hugh Laurie and House.  I’ve done, dare I write it, reading for FUN and the book was a grown-up book with no pictures.  I’m current in the grading for my summer class.

While it is hard to think that the early childhood years have almost passed, it is invigorating to know that the early work took hold.  Our sons are getting it.  No, not perfectly-we really need to work on that talking back to your mother thing-but they are problem solving, compromising, sharing, thinking of others, and having fun with their friends.  They have entered that time of their life when they have secrets that mean the world that they forget the following week.  They make secret clubs and handshakes.  They can do anything, be anything.  It’s the time of youth when everyday objects hold magical powers, the days are never long enough, and the plans they make will really happen.   This summer marks the beginning of one of the best times of their lives and, oh my sweet sons, I am so happy for you.

It’s like the summer in It when the six of them first battle It.  Okay, I don’t hope that my sons end up in the bowels of the sewers battling a monster so hideous one can only call it It, but this is like that summer.  The summer of innocence when a child can still believe in monsters and the tooth fairy.  This won’t be their only summer like this, they’ll have four or five more, but this is the first one for them.  One of the boys they play with (an older boy, he’s 11) is in his last summer of innocence.  You can see it changing for him.  Some days he can completely suspend disbelief, other days he struggles and usually goes home.  The summers of suspension of disbelief.  They’re awesome.

My job now is to let them have their grand adventures.  To let them believe.  To quickly bandage their scrapes so they can back out there.  To hug them when their feelings are hurt and they’re never going to talk to so-and-so again (at least till they’re back outside talking to so-and-so again).  I’ve got to say, it hurts just a wee bit to let them have the space and time away from the “safety” of home.  But only until one of them runs in to get a toy, and pauses to come to me, wrap his arms around me, and say, “I love you, Mom.”  Then the hurt is not so bad.

My cup is truly filled with grace and happiness today.  Touching base with my first love, I have been cast in a show, a musical to boot!  It will wonderfully exciting to “move well” across the boards again.

My sons are having a wonderful summer, digging in dirt, spending the day with their friends, getting a treat from Mr. Softee.  They are filthy by the end of each day and it’s wonderful.  My sons, two of their friends, and I will be going to the local zoo tomorrow.

The weather is beautiful this week.  I’ve actually enjoyed some of it.

Vacation Bible School (VBS) has surrounded me with wonderful, talented, giving volunteers again.  I am very excited for it to start next week.

The class I teach is going nicely with a good group of students and an even balance in the classroom.  The class I’ll teach in the fall is looking full and happy.  My job is going well.  Friends are getting good news and enjoying good developments in their lives.

My house is getting cleaner.  My soul is getting cleaner.

Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard will be back on House.

Life is good.  I am thankful for the blessings of God’s grace filling my cup till it runneth over.

Oh, I definitely would order liver and fava beans with a nice chianti to start.  I think that would be a good meal for our lunch-remember, it was Hannibal, not Buffalo Bill, who was the cannibal.  Not that Buffalo Bill was much better for society.

Dear sweet Ted Levine.  Yes, sweet.  But I’ll get to that later.

We would have to discuss how truly creepy Jame Gumb was-a sociopath in the truest sense-particularly with his lack of remorse.    I repeatedly watch the scene when Clarice Starling shows up and he’s looking for the business card of the former owner.  She figures it out, he figures out that she’s figured it out and the cards drop from his hands.  The expression on his face is devious–he knows he has to get rid of this woman.  The hunt between them is exquisite.  Actually, this end part of the movie is my favorite part.

You also have to be truly comfortable in your own skin as an actor to create such a deeply sociopathic character and prepare for people’s inability to sympathize with him.  When Buffalo Bill is wearing his “dress” and tucks his package away, stating how desirable he finds himself, one tends to forget there is an actor in there, performing.  One just shudders at the illness that is Buffalo Bill.

I’ve always been a little off the bullseye.  I thought Buffalo Bill was creepier than Hannibal.  Like Uncle Stevie always says, the imagination always thinks up something scarier than the folks in Hollywood.  We see Hannibal’s horror and gory bloodshed.  Buffalo Bill’s is only hinted at through pieces and scraps that we see-the rest is filled in by our imagination.  Our mind’s eye fills in the dark waiting in the well…waiting for more verbal taunting, waiting for a pair of scissors, waiting for the lotion in the basket.

Ted Levine’s voice is exquisite.  Is it wrong that my husband and I use that famous line for many things?  We say “put the ______________ in the basket” almost daily.  (We store a lot of toys, stuff, etc. in baskets or bins).  We usually say the line in our best Ted Levine voice and add the mock crying/screaming…”put the papers in the basket, whahhhh.”  I will confess that our boys, while not knowing the origin of the line, use it as well.  We can simply say to them, “put the toys in the basket,” and they respond with “whahhhh.”  We are who we are.  Levine’s voice is such a big part of the creepiness of the character.  It’s such a full, rich voice-it haunts you after the fact.

Yet as Captain Leland Stottlemeyer that voice, while almost always authoritative, offers some of the sweetest and funniest moments.  Sweetest because Stottlemeyer was such a true friend to Monk and offered such loyal guidance to him, even when it was hard to do or when he thought Monk wouldn’t listen.   Funniest because through Levine’s timing and that gorgeous voice, great lines received perfect delivery.  In one episode, Disher comes in and says he has two ideas, asking Stottlemeyer which he wants to hear first.  Stottlemeyer replies, “whichever one will get me the least pissed off” (I may be paraphrasing…but you get the idea).  So you have this handsome man with those gorgeous blue eyes and that booming voice at times being full-out captain, friend to a strong yet fragile friend or trying to be a dad.  Levine plays humility (both being humble and being humbled) really well-happens throughout the series-too many examples to list.

I think I may have written it before, but I loved how they ended the series.  With Monk, Stottlemeyer, and company still doing their thing in San Fran.  I miss the show. Thank goodness for reruns and dvds.

The final part of our lunch would be discussing theater.  Oh how I wish I could have seen some of his work at Steppenwolf.  Like Tony Shaloub, Levine’s background in theater makes his performances so very rich and layered.  I would thank Ted for two characters who wander around in my mind-one haunting me and one reminding me of the goodness in the world.

Mean Mommy

My five-year old came over to the chaise, sat down, and said in that sweet little boy voice, “Mom, you’re the best mom in the world (pause) except when you’re being kinda mean.”

My husband then asked him, “when is Mommy mean?”

“When she uses her angry voice.”

“When does she use her angry voice?”

“When we don’t clean up or do what she tells us to do.”

Yep, I’m a mean mommy.  I am proud to be one.  I make my sons take a bath or shower when they are dirty or stinky or just because.

I make them brush their teeth (“yes, you have to brush more than once a day.”)

I make them go to bed by 8:30 during the school year.  I make them do their homework.  I make them apologize when they need to apologize.  I make them say please, thank you, you’re welcome, and may I….

I make them clean up-true, that’s a tough one and we are working on it, but we’re getting there.  I make them learn about taking care of the earth.  I make them think about other people’s feelings.

I make them go to church.

I make them brush their hair and wash their hands and clean their faces.  I make them put out the recycling and the trash.  I then make them put the cans away.

I make them learn responsibility, work ethic, and what it means to be a friend.  I make them practice patience.

Yep, I’m a mean mommy.  I will continue to be a mean mommy for as long as I need to be one.  I am not a perfect mommy and they are not perfect sons.  But we’ve come a long way and it gets better and better every day.

 

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

I continue to strive to live as Hank prescribed.  Challenging task to accomplish each day.  In this walk of mine, I stumble regularly and waste energy on things that are not important in the big picture.  How does one stay on the path and not wander?  I don’t play chess, but I know a bit about it.  This walk feels somewhat like a chess game.  You need to know where you want to end up and the eight or nine moves you have to make to get there, planning, of course, for the possible defense put against your moves.  Yet at the same time of planning all of these moves, I remind myself to be ready to throw away the plan for staying in the moment.

As John Lennon sang, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.  I sing that song to my boys each night (they call it the “long lullaby”).  So it is a balance for planning and realizing life happens whether you want it to or not.  How are you going to spend your life?  I have to “practice” certain “complex ways of living” but not all.  I keep finding new ways to “get my feet down to the earth” while I walk this earth.

Harrison was sick today with the world’s mildest stomach bug.  We kept him home from school and I went to work a bit late so I could cuddle with him.  Thursdays are one of my late days and  he would be asleep by the time I got home, so I called in to let my boss know I was going to tend to my sick little guy.  Then we cuddled on the couch and I rubbed his back.  The time flew far too quickly and I had to leave.  As we were saying goodbye, my little guy demonstrated how much he has grown up since I started this job.

Do you know the book The Kissing Hand?  Harrison and I have our own version of The Kissing Hand.  We kiss two fingers and link them.  He saw this is what Scott and I do, so Harrison adopted it as our kissing hand.  Hamilton and I do the classic Kissing Hand, but Harrison individualizes himself from his big bro.  Today he initiated it.  First time.  Brought tears to my overly sentimental eyes.

Then Harrison brought me to a full sob.  He said, “Mom, I’ll wave to you from the window.  Like I did when I was three, remember?”  Oh, yes I do remember.  He waved from the living room window to me in the car every morning after I started working outside of the house full-time.  I don’t know who needed that ritual more-probably me.  Another difference today-Harrison didn’t need the step stool to see out the window.

I love that he remembers.  It’s a unique memory for him, separate from his brother’s memories.  We try to give each of our sons unique experiences peppered into their shared childhood together.  They are best friends, greatest enemies, and thick as thieves.  Their loyalty to each other is vast and deep.  I am so thankful to watch their childhood-to step outside on occasion and look inside to see what is important to them, the worlds they’ve created, and the ways they show each other their love.

What about Bob?

OCD can be a blessing and a curse.  My talent for alphabetizing is truly neat and I catch little mistakes that probably wouldn’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but in my line of work these two things do come in handy.  Catching the little mistakes more so, but if I do ever decide to pursue the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” path and become a librarian, both will be truly purposeful.  I am glad that my boss really appreciates my ability to catch most errors (not all, I’m not perfect).  When I do miss one, I actually question myself-how could I have missed that? It was so obvious!

It’s a curse when you live with the three stooges who do not possess the same affection for order or organization.  But on my journey for self-improvement, I try to remember it is me stuck on this need.  It does get in the way at times because sometimes you simply cannot be ritualistic about order, which is my natural desire.  A place for everything and everything in its place.  I also like to keep to the schedule I set forth each day.  Obviously with two young boys, I’ve had to adapt.  I have a few new things I do that I can control and they help.

I get an everything bagel four days a week at work.  I don’t get the bagel on Friday because it’s early closing at the moment (so very nice) but also I prefer things in even numbers.  Messiest bagel out there, but I always check for poppy seeds after I finish and I’m mindful not to get seeds and such on my desk.  I put the cream cheese on it the same way each time and cut each half in half the same way.  It sets the day to a pleasant tone.  The nice ladies in the cafeteria set one aside for me now Monday through Thursday in case I can’t down till a little later in the morning.  I also found the bagel balances my blood sugar nicely throughout the day.

I’m following a regular bedtime.  It’s really early for me…11:30…and it’s starting to feel like that’s late!  It helps me to let go at night.  I’m no longer staying up randomly trying to finish one more thing.  It’s helped with simplicity-setting simple goals for each day and accepting that they may not all be achieved.  It also helps me to enjoy my time after I get home from work more.  It relaxes me knowing that the day will in fact end and I’ll be able to rest.

Another ritual that has returned is reading Stephen King again before I go to sleep.  The old friends are nice to reconnect with and a reader always brings something new to the text, so many are like brand new stories.  I’ve also been reading at work.  It’s been a goal to read research articles and such and I’ve actually been doing it.  Today, my head was simply swimming with wonderful information, but I then had to follow it to some kind of end, which there wasn’t a neat and tidy ending to get to and this created frustration.

The newest obsession is developing my personal philosophy, theology, understanding of my place in this world, and the calling put out for me.  It’s stalled at the moment, or it feels stalled.  I’ve plateaued and I’m not sure where to go next.  I’m in the zone of proximal development and I need the More Knowledgeable Other to scaffold me to the next level (yes, my inner geek comes out!).  So I will read the good book and see what I can discover in the Word.  Then I will read Uncle Stevie and fall asleep around 11:30.  Compulsive rituals are not always a bad thing.

Something I have noticed as I tweak my use time from fungible to epochal (yeah, go look ’em like I had to) is that I share so much more with my family.  My youngest was out in the back yard the other day, using nothing but pure imagination.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have been blessed to watch.  He was talking away to the trees, the dirt, or himself.  I don’t know who he was talking to, but he was having a grand time.  It was pure childhood joy not being interrupted or interfered with.  In letting go of the human constructs of time, I saw these moments he was having in discovering himself within the world.

I am finally finding a balance and a positive way to use the OCD.  Like Bob in What About Bob?, it’s baby steps.  Baby steps every day.