Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, darkness, Faith, family, light, sons on December 16, 2012| Leave a Comment »
I hugged my sons a lot this weekend. More than usual.
I told my sons I loved them a lot this weekend. More than usual.
My sons are sleeping soundly in their beds and my heart aches for the families that are grieving for the children not sleeping soundly in their beds tonight.
Let there be a light for the families to guide them through the darkness.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged family, grace, hubby, sons, thankful on October 1, 2012| Leave a Comment »
I am thankful for Hubby.
I am thankful for oldest son and youngest son.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for my church.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for our pets.
I am thankful for my job.
I am thankful for game night.
I am thankful for making even the smallest difference for someone.
I am thankful for exhaustion.
I am thankful for sleep.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, death, divorce, Faith, family, sons on September 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »
No, I’m not wicked (or at least I try not to be). No one threw a bucket of water on me to make me melt. I just feel like I’ve been melting the past few days. I caught something from one of the students in my class. That wiped me out for the weekend. Homework for the boys is getting heavier (a good thing, just a time management thing). Work is sort of settling into the new semester, but there are always new technological challenges to face. And comparatively speaking, while there was great sadness for me today, I know there are others feeling this sadness even more strongly at this moment. My heart and prayers go out to them tonight.
There are families in this world that have experienced divorce. My husband’s family has had a few divorces. The interesting thing is that the family never exiled the ex. The ex-daughter-in-law, the ex-sister-in-law were still daughters and sisters. There is divorce in my family’s history too. I’m still the daughter, still the sister. That’s as it should be. Other relationships don’t have to end because two people can’t live together or remain married.
I’m glad that today I could be there, in whatever small capacity it was, to lend love and support when these special people from my life needed it. So while I have been feeling like I’m melting, today’s events reminded me that I’m not. I’m loved. And blessed with family in so many ways and from so many unexpected places.
When my sons are older, I’ll explain the whole history behind this other part of the family. For now they know the most important part-more people who love them.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, family, Halloween, sons on September 22, 2012| 2 Comments »
The sand drips through that hourglass and I realize this year is already nearing the end. How does that happen? I need to make Halloween costumes, start Christmas shopping, and thinking of how much weight I’ll gain between Halloween and New Year’s.
Where does the time go? I have set goals this year, little projects, and not many have been accomplished. It’s not gnawing at my stomach like it used to and that’s good. The priorities are clearer than ever in my mind and soul. I know the important parts of my life. In certain moments of my days I have to work harder to remember that, but it’s getting easier everyday to remember why I do what I do.
Two of my priorities are my sons (well, duh). Oldest son is having some issues with recess. So I’m working on a proposal to add some options to recess since he is not the only one having issues. Younger son offers many areas of focus. I picked them up from school the other day. As younger son came out of the door, I worked very hard at keeping back the tears. He was clearly very tired because the one tic was non-stop. It broke my heart. He and I have talked about the tics. He is a little self-conscious about them, but says they don’t really bother him. In so many words he said he doesn’t do them on purpose and has tried to stop them, but they won’t stop.
So I keep reminding myself that as the year draws to a close, I get to spend a Thanksgiving break and Christmas week with my sons. Plus I took off work on Halloween. Ah, some lovely breaks to daily life. A day to sit and watch the hourglass if that’s what we want to do. Or have an adventure or two.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, Denial, family, hubby, sons, Tourette Syndrome, Your Mom on September 17, 2012| 2 Comments »
I let myself enjoy the weekend. I let myself bask in that river in Egypt. Da Nile. I didn’t look at work email all weekend (which was a nice change– I have got to remember that I control if I check it or not). In not checking, I didn’t think about work and I didn’t see the email from younger son’s teacher. But I’ll get to that in a moment.
I knew I was wrong about the possibility of canceling the January appointment for younger son from the moment I wrote it. As we sat eating a late lunch at Great Adventure I got my visual proof. As he ate his food, younger son’s head was moving and he didn’t miss a beat. His lip tic was happening too. Hubby and I looked at each other at one point and just gave each other that look. You know the look. The look between a husband and wife that says everything it needs to without any words.
That was Saturday. Involuntary movements were all of the map on Sunday too.
Then this morning at work I read the email from his teacher. She had written to let me know he was holding his own in class, keeping up with the other students. She also wrote to let me know she had noticed several head movements and noticed the sounds, the noises. Small, quiet grunts that younger son seems to not notice at all.
January 3, 2013 is a long time from now. I can’t not do something to try to help him (if you’ll forgive the double negative). Hubby wants to look in diet and nutritional options. What I wonder is if we try to help, will it make it difficult to diagnose something like Tourette syndrome? I am going to call the doctor’s office tomorrow and let them know that we can’t sit and watch without actively trying to help him. Perhaps if we keep a record of what we observe and what we try so they have a running record.
In college, we would say DENIAL all the time. How it wasn’t just a river in Egypt. We also said “Your MOM” a lot. Don’t completely remember the origin of the mom reference. It’s strange to be over 20 years out from college and be the MOM in denial.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, family, Goosebumps, patience, simplicity, sons on September 11, 2012| Leave a Comment »
This evening my sons filled me up with joy which is exactly what I needed when I got home. Younger son is having a rocking time in second grade. He has wonderful stories each day about “all the learning” he did. He spoke excitedly about math class today and read me a chapter from a Goosebumps book. Then we talked about family and ended with tickling as I tucked him into bed. He loves to be tickled and I love the way he giggles.
Older son is having a very “serious” start to the fourth grade. He is rather focused on being a studious young chap. He asks questions with a more mature tone now about managing friendships and navigating the social aspects of school. It is interesting to watch him shift to a pre-teen framework. New things are taking priority in his mind’s eye, not just girls, but schoolwork, music, and television shows. His own social strata is forming (that I will be allowed in for now).
Younger son has also determined he is afraid of the dark. I’m not buying it. It’s another reason to come back out of his room in his never-ending attempt to delay falling asleep. Then he bats his long, dark eyelashes at me, sure that will get me to cave. It didn’t. He’s still just as adorable as he does it, but I know that game. Still, he’s been going to bed earlier which means he falls asleep earlier. Some nights he’s plumb tuckered out and falls asleep as quickly as older son does. Tonight I could fall asleep as quickly as older son. Just waiting to hear younger son’s snores echoing down the hall.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged 9/11, Faith, family on September 11, 2012| Leave a Comment »
I was watching Little House on the Prairie on TBS when the footage of the Twin Towers cut into the broadcast. I went downstairs and told Hubby that a plane had crashed into one of the towers. He looked at me as if I was sleepwalking because I sometimes do. He followed me upstairs and I flipped through different channels showing him. I then wondered where my sister was since she worked at Central Park giving eco-tours at the time and commuted there from her apartment in Brooklyn. I called my mom and she had heard from my sister who was unharmed and walking back to Brooklyn with the masses.
As the plane flew into the second tower I felt as if a character in a surrealist’s play. When the towers came down I cried and flashed on memories of being in the observation deck, of thinking that any children I might ever have would only know of these through pictures, of the horror of it all. Very egocentric thoughts, but I guess those were my way of shielding myself. I tried to erase the images of the people who jumped, of the buildings crashing down.
Today it still haunts me. A friend decided to buy a cd that morning so he is still alive today. A friend from church had a meeting rescheduled at the last minute so he is still alive. My sister’s life changed after that day. It was such a beautiful day that say she left her windows open for the breeze. Her apartment had a great view of the Twin Towers and the wind was blowing toward Brooklyn that day. When she finally got home after walking with only her shirt over her mouth and nose, it was to an apartment filled with ash and dust. She has been told she has 9/11 cough. I am thankful she is alive, that she wasn’t on the subway at the wrong time on her way to work, but still her life will never be the same.
I think that day should always haunt us. I think it should always remind us to stand strong together. I wish the streets were still lined with US flags as they were immediately after that day. I think we need to continue to work to understand all the people in our world to find peaceful resolutions to conflicts. I think we need to remember we are strong, but can be vulnerable.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, family, Freddie Mercury, school, sons on September 5, 2012| Leave a Comment »
I really am going to participate in Freddie for a Day one year. My boss said she’d let me do it. I need to pick an ensemble and just do it next year. Put a reminder to myself on my work calendar to start prepping for it in July or something so I don’t forget. I miss him. I wish I could hear new songs from him and wish I could hear how his voice would have matured with age. It was so gorgeous and full of so many emotions. So rich. Ah, Freddie, hope you had a hell of party today.
I sharpened pencils tonight. 40 of them-which means my sons are each four pencils short since they are each supposed to bring two dozen. They can get more later. I have double and triple checked their new backpacks. They are set. Hubby and I gave them new flashcards (math, history, and science) to celebrate tomorrow’s first day of school. Older son also got a magnetic message board for his locker (first year with a locker!) and younger son got a new backpack clip. We then asked them what time it is…and they answered with some random responses…dinner time, bedtime, back to school time. Hubby and I finally said “Adventure Time” and gave them season 1 on dvd. We watched a few episodes tonight. Both boys were exhausted this evening and willingly climbed into their beds. Younger son didn’t come out even once, just closed his heavy lids and fell asleep. Older son was asleep even more quickly than usual. It felt like there was a release for them. Summer is over. Back to routine.
I’m not going to walk older son to his classroom tomorrow. Time to give him space. He’s ready. I am going to walk younger son to his classroom just in case the boy who spread the rumor is in the same class. I want younger son to have a good first day and he may need some parental support to walk through the door. If he decides in the morning to go it alone, I’ll let him. But if he needs me, I’ll be there for him.
If only I could protect them from ever having their feelings hurt again or more deeply than they have already experienced. I can’t-I have to let them feel it, live it on their own. I can comfort, celebrate, and share in their lives. I hope they learn to play the game, by the rules, while still having fun. They are two of the loves of my life (Hubby’s the other!).
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged children, family, first day of school, simplicity, sons on September 4, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Time disappeared. I escaped into a little time warp where technology took a backseat and life slowed down for a little bit. The family and I spent some time together doing nothing in particular and some special stuff too.
Then somehow it was the beginning of the school year. A fourth grader and a second grader start school on Thursday. I start teaching tomorrow. There was a shift this year though. My focus has remained on my sons. I haven’t neglected prepping for my class, and I think tomorrow will go well. But the majority of my preparations have been for my sons. Older son is excited to have a locker this year and feels he has made great strides in not talking as much as he used to talk. Younger son is worried that the boy who spread a rumor about him last year will make his life miserable again this year.
Why do six year old boys spread rumors that another six year old boy poops his pants? Do they not realize that the boy will carry that memory from first grade all the way through turning seven and moving up to second grade? Younger son is uber focused on that instead of school. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past two weeks building his self-esteem and reminding him that he does not in fact poop in his pants so he has nothing to worry about.
At least he hasn’t remember when the toilet overflowed in the kindergarten restroom after he was done in there. If he does, he may never return to school. Here’s hoping that second grade is smoother for the little dude.
And I’ll wager older son will get busted for talking in class by the second week of school. Just call him Verbal Kint.
Oh, how I love my sons.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged conversation, family, sons on August 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »
This is what oldest son said to me this evening as I tucked him into bed. I asked a question about something that had happened in his room today and he was telling me nothing happened. I asked again (because he’s nine) and a smile broke out across his face. I stared into his eyes to determine if he was telling me the truth. That’s when he said, “I’m a kid, I can’t keep a straight face.” Then I couldn’t keep a straight face.
Still, he falls asleep almost immediately. He wakes up quickly and falls asleep quickly. Unlike youngest son. He takes a long time to wake up and to fall asleep. In fact, he’s walking up and down the hallway as I type this t 10:50 pm. I have decided he will have to go to bed at 7:30 so he can actually be asleep by 9:00. I will do this tomorrow because he is driving me a little bit batty.
He keeps declaring things like “I’m not happy and you’re probably happy that I’m not happy.” Yes, I am aware that I have my work cut out for me. We’ve been working on the art of conversation. We’re trying to get him to express himself using words instead of just hitting himself on the head when he’s frustrated. He’s never been a big talker. He will talk a lot when his brother is not around, but that doesn’t happen often. Perhaps that’s why he keeps coming out from his bedroom each night. He knows oldest son is fast asleep so he has me to himself.
Oh, but I am tired. I do hope he falls asleep soon. Why do kids always want to have the deep conversations at 10:30 at night? Why can’t we have a philosophical conversation about happiness at 4:00 in the afternoon?
ohbloodyhell8 