For about two years I have been in perimenopause. I can handle not being able to lose weight (unless I were to quit my job and make that my full time job). I can handle the inability to sleep through a night. The grumpiness (some say that’s not new anyway), moodiness, crying at everything. The forgetfulness. The random visits from my period. I can even stand the hot flashes. But what I cannot stand are the pimples. Seriously? All that other crap, but I still get the same damn acne I had in my teens? I’m sorry but there should be some payoff for all the new stuff. I console myself with the fact this is at least happening a little earlier since they took the one ovary out eight years ago. If I were going through perimenopause while my sons were teenagers, someone wouldn’t survive.
So I wade through the hot flashes. I don’t really mind the heat and I can manage the winters much better than I ever have in my life. I wade through the tired nights that turn into the even more tired mornings. I have begun to drink coffee. Something I thought I would never do. And that’s fun. Watching Hubby’s face when I ask if there is any coffee…he still is getting used to it.
I enjoy making new discoveries about myself as I go through this phase of life. I’m better at saying no. I’m better at standing up for myself. If I have to feel the way I do, I’m going to be comfortable in as many other areas of my life as I can. I feel like I have a deeper appreciation for newness. I feel like I feel things more than I did before. While the boys are not yet teenagers, they are so independent. I am finding more time in each day to spend with myself, doing stuff that I find interesting. Rediscovering things I had forgotten that I found interesting. I am giving myself more freedom from deadlines and timelines that I create for myself. “I must have this, that, and this done by this time.” Or when I get it done. That freedom comes from forgetting what it was I was doing and starting something else while I try to remember the first thing. I’m writing this at 11:30. I sat down to write it at 10:30, but couldn’t remember why I had grabbed the laptop so I puttered on it till I did.
I am embracing my middle age years and exploring topics and knowledge that pique my curiosity just for fun. In my youth, I thought I would HAVE to earn a PhD. Nope. I’m good. I just like learning. I don’t need to do that at this point in my life and am glad I didn’t spend time doing it when I was young-not part of my career path. I love learning about something new when I am ready to move on to the next. I love learning about the stuff my sons are interested in so I can better guide them in their lives. I love learning about our pets. Who knew I would know so much about the diet of bearded dragons? Or know so much about their poop?
Well, I am tired. The new rule is to go to bed when my body is tired (since I gave up Diet Coke a few months ago and weened off of intravenous caffeine, I find it easier to tell when my body is actually tired). It doesn’t mean I will fall asleep. I simply will go to bed, with my hot flashes and pimples, and stare at the ceiling. I’ll take my melatonin and it will help me slip into dreamland for a bit. I’ll drift in and out of sleep. I’ll dream of a pimple-free face.
ohbloodyhell8 