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Archive for the ‘Musings and Epiphanies’ Category

Today I heard about a road rage incident that happened out in Colorado a couple weeks ago. I hope the man who used his gun to solve this incident rots in a jail cell with no chance for parole.

I don’t know what the situation was. I don’t know if someone cut the other one off or someone didn’t use a turn signal or someone didn’t like another person’s car. But there was a road rage incident between a mother and her three children and this lunatic. She was taking her kids to the dentist. I doubt that was a very high pressure got-to-rush-and-race, cut-people-off kind of thing.

So this guy decides that the best solution was to take his gun and shoot the mother and her 8 year old child who are both now in the hospital with serious injuries. To take his gun and shoot her 13-year old child dead. Which means her third child may not have been injured (and thank God) but the child still had to watch all of that. That child had to watch the 13 year old die. The child had to watch the mother and the other child get shot.

At what point does being cut off by someone on the highway or someone being a left-lane-dick make it where the solution is to shoot them? The answer is simple: never.

So I know many do not believe in the death penalty and that is a topic for another day. In this case I think the best punishment this asshole deserves is to sit in a jail cell.

I think for the rest of his life he needs to sit rotting in jail surrounded buy pictures of that 13 year old. Pictures of that 13 year old playing sports with a big smile. Pictures of that child with the family on vacations or on holidays. There should be 13 pictures of that child in front of birthday cakes with the big goofy smile right before blowing out the candles. And that idiot who thought that his solution was the best solution should have to stare at them everyday and should have to realize what an asshole he is. And no visitation from his family. The 13 year old doesn’t get to see his family anymore.

This jackass claims it is because of his mental illness and a change in medicine that he decided to shoot this family as well as some other gentleman in the parking lot, who was there with his daughter and supposedly looked at the asshole. You know how I feel about mental illness. And maybe this guy is getting treatment, can’t say it’s the best since they’re not monitoring that medicine change that well. I also know that we need a national database that has up-to-date information on people who have a mental illness, their treatment plan, and an emergency contact. I don’t want to hear about HIPAA. I don’t want to hear about privacy. If you want school shootings to end, if you want random road rage shootings to end, you need to have this database. This won’t solve the gun crisis in America because criminals don’t buy their guns legally and they may not be seeing a doctor regularly that could monitor something like a mental illness. But if you look back at road rage incidents and school shootings, the person often obtained the gun legally or stole it from a family member who obtained it legally. This could make a difference. My heart goes out to the family. I cannot imagine the sadness and the sorrow they are working through.

https://patch.com/new-jersey/marlboro-coltsneck/colts-neck-native-mom-shot-colorado-road-rage-shooting

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Tonight I sat and watched as some of the younger boys in older son’s karate class finished their belt tests. A very nice lady asked me which of the boys was my grandson. Seriously? I mean really, seriously? Grandson? Do I look that freaking old? Okay, technically I could be a grandmother at this age if the timing in my life have been different. But grandson? Seriously?!?

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The other day I picked up younger son from baseball practice. I had ordered a new pair of socks for him and I wanted him to try to guess what might be on them. I told him they were like his Illuminati socks. He was quite excited and I said that I hoped the suspense would last. In fact I said the suspense is terrible I hope it will last. And he said it wasn’t suspense because there wasn’t fear it was more of excitement or anticipation. So I said “I see you shiver with antici…….pation.”

He did not get the reference. So he asked what the quote was from and I told him it was a Tim Curry character named Dr. Frankenfurter.

He asked, “is that anything like Dr. Frankenstein?”And I said well yes, in a way.

He then said, “but I guess he really likes hot dogs.”

If you can’t find the humor in that you need to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. Younger son knows he still has to wait to watch that Tim Curry movie.

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Another shock of young lives cut short.

Another round of blaming whatever administration is currently in office.

Another strong stance by NRA, teachers’ unions, politicians.

None of that matters.

This extreme violence will not stop until there is improved treatment and support for mental health. Getting rid of the stigma and shame of having a mental illness is the needed change.

I heard an interview with someone from NAMI recently. She made a great observation. When someone gets a diagnosis of cancer or some other illness, or even a broken leg, or an operation, the person receives sympathy, support, offers to drive them to appointments, and lots of covered-dishes.

When you receive a diagnosis of a mental illness, it’s not shared, it’s danced around. Sometimes you are even told that it is probably best not to talk about it in certain places.

Our children are not learning coping skills. They are not learning social skills. This changes their perceptions of themselves. This can lead to a changed, altered, distorted view. Some will turn inward and just be as invisible as possible. Some will develop eating disorders. Some will become depressed. Many others will encounter their first episode of an illness like bipolar, schizo-affective, or schizophrenia.

Many of them will face it alone. They have heard too many negative and derogatory statements about mental illness so they will try to hide it, maybe self-medicate, until something becomes unmanageable.

Then they become a danger to themselves and others.

This pattern needs to end. If it doesn’t, all the other chatter and discussions and arguments won’t do anything.

We waited until our sons were older to name my illness. The stigma attached to schizophrenia is still strong. We didn’t want negative press about untreated schizophrenia, or mental illness in general, to cause them stress when the descriptions they could hear didn’t match their mom. They get it now.

I have contributed to this by following suggestions to not name it or even talk about it in certain parts of my life. That’s over. I can’t carry that anymore. If I continue to make it easier for others by avoiding it, making it where they don’t have to deal with it, then I’m part of the problem.

Start the conversation that can actually make a difference for our youth. Talk about mental health. Today.

My deepest sympathies to the latest victims.

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That’s right. I didn’t watch the Superbowl. How could I have not watched it? It’s the Superbowl! The Eagles were playing. It’s a big event for our area.

If you enjoy football and the Superbowl, great. Enjoy it. Eat lots of food, drink beer, dress in jerseys of your favorite players. Fantasy Football it all you want. I just won’t be joining you.

I haven’t watched the Superbowl in years. We happily got rid of cable three years ago. Since I haven’t watched the Superbowl for over five years (ten years?), I didn’t worry about trying to stream it.

And people can live quite happily without it. Not that the guy this evening believed me. After the guy slightly scolded me, which he may not have realized he was doing it, I realized I had been Superbowl-shamed. How will I manage after this?

Easily.

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Happy birthday, bro. I miss you.

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Every year our sons have had the same Christmas Eve traditions. Candlelight service at church. New last year was Older Son as Joseph. Then at home  they would spread reindeer food on the lawn, get in their PJs, sit on the couch with Hubby and listen to “A Visit with Saint Nicholas”. Then, they’d put out cookies and milk on the “Santa china”. Finally, pictures were taken next to their empty stockings and they’d scurry down the hall to bed. 

Younger Son had his last Christmas knowing Santa the first way one knows Santa. Both boys moved to the next level of knowing Santa at the age of eleven. The key was the fact that Santa brought presents and the tree. When they were quite young there were no questions. As they got older and heard the rumors at school, they figured there was no way we could hide a tree.

But they are 14 and 12. Older Son embraced the new way of knowing Santa at 11 and helped his brother get to 11 too.

​This year our sons began new Christmas Eve traditions. Candlelight service at church. Again this year Older Son was Joseph. Then at home  they helped decorate the tree while watching A Christmas Story, then sat on the couch with Hubby and listened to “A Visit with Saint Nicholas”. They put out cookies and milk on the “Santa china”. Each opened one present. Finally, pictures were taken next to their empty stockings. And pictures next to Krampus, another new tradition.

Older Son walked down the hall to bed. Younger Son walked downstairs to bed.

These changes are why I keep Christmas past, present, and future in my heart.

Happy Christmas to y’all and to y’all a good night. 

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Ah, Christmas time…this has been a hell of a year. I will write the cliche…each year passes more quickly than the last. And this year has flown byat times and dragged on forever at other times. Actually, not quite dragged on, more like stood still. I have been very aware of the human construct of time this year… particularly the American construct of time. And I’ve ignored it a lot this year.

I am letting myself enjoy the Christmas season. It officially kicked off for me last Saturday. The sons joined me at A Christmas Carol again. Sixth time? Seventh? Can never seem to remember. We had a Christmas event at church…a lovely night of song. This weekend is filled with plans to celebrate with new friends, friends from high school, and dear old friends to wrap up the weekend! 

Working on my home. Removing the old crappy broken subfloor and installing new subfloor/flooring downstairs for Younger Son. The fourth bedroom is downstairs (1970s split level houses…gotta love ’em) and it’s the same size as Older Son’s room. So Younger Son will have the same space, although the extra space (compared to his bedroom upstairs) comes in the form of a two-feet deep closet that spans an entire wall. So dressers, shelves, etc. go in the closet opening up the space.

And decluttering continues because damn, we have a lot of junk. It feels great to purge, purge, and purge some more. I’ve added some pictures to the wall. Reorganized stuff. It all feels good.

I’m still struggling with my faith. Still grieving my brother. Still hating suicide. Still trying to reconcile how his suicide makes any sense, which it doesn’t is all I can come up with. Still releasing years of emotional crap loaded into and onto me by my mother and sister and have disowned me. I am finally really accepting how little my life has changed now that they told me I was evil and would be burning in hell for my choices. While it’s been painful to realize how many lies there were, I can’t say I’ve missed the three texts they usually sent in the course of a year. It is sad that they think they’ve ended some deep, close relationship. Three texts a year does not a relationship make.

So as I move away from the pain, work through the grief, I find I am getting lighter. 

The lights and decorations look brighter, more sparkly than before. I’m feeling the joy wash over me.

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I watched a five year old and a three year old negotiate sharing toys today. They had a picnic together (sort of), took turns with blocks, and pretended the diaper changing station was a filtered water station, filling a toy can over and over.

I watched two brothers play Sorry and be goofy together. Defenses were down, attitudes put aside, and the joy of friendly competition took over.

What everyday kindness did you see today?

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