Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged missing on July 13, 2016| Leave a Comment »
We all know that I am missing Bearpaw something fierce this week. And we’re missing Older Son as he is at camp. I miss a good night’s sleep right now. I know exhaustion will eventually kick in. Meanwhile there’s mahjong.
Only thing I’m not missing is Wally. He’s still here.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Bear, family, grief, mourning on July 6, 2016| Leave a Comment »
These last two weeks before the anniversary of Bear’s death feel much like the first two weeks after his death in that horrific car accident. Once again, the image of Bear when I identified his body haunts my days and nights. The memories of planning his service, communicating with the funeral home, cleaning out his car, comforting the boys-they are swirling in my head, seemingly 24 hours a day right now. Emotions about decisions beyond my control are swelling up inside of me all over again.
I’ve driven through the accident site several times now in my travels, and on the 16th I will drive through it twice. After the second time, we will continue to the cemetery to pay Bear a visit, tell him we love him and miss him. Leave some carnations for him to look down on and smile at.
I don’t imagine that life will resume normalcy without Bear on July 17th, having worked my way through the first year. I’m fully aware that life is forevermore different. I know he wants me to be happy, to not spend time missing him, but loving those around me. And I am working on letting go to do that more fully.
I lost a lot when Bear died, more than meets the eye. My family of origins’s dynamic went through quite a metamorphosis.
But…I have a deeper appreciation for my friends who are my family, for extended family. I have had reunions in the past year that I never thought would happen and have more reunions to look forward to in the coming months. I’ve made peace with many aspects of my personal history. I am exploring my early childhood that I had tucked away. While I do have many difficulties in remembering much from then because of the schizophrenia, it is neat to hear stories. Not that schizophrenia causes memory loss, I just didn’t pay attention to everything as well because of the delusions and hallucinations. It’s cool having gaps filled in.
Hubby, Sons, and I will be visiting New Orleans soon. I haven’t been there since the 70’s when my family moved from my hometown. I’m taking risks that I wouldn’t have before because each day is so precious and why spend each day tired, drained, frustrated? I come home from work now and I have energy to spare. I yell less (although the boys would disagree after the past few days, hence why I’m blogging first thing after work, to clear my head). Little projects around the house are finally being finished, some were started three or four years ago, others I just started because I finally finished the old ones!
It still hurts, I still miss Bear dearly, I still want one more hug from him. Still, I am learning how to tuck that away in my heart and to focus on my many blessings. To let go of things I cannot control. To set boundaries to end useless, painful cycles. To focus on the love surrounding me in so many ways. To be open and ready for the way family and friends show up when you didn’t even know how much you needed them.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Independence Day, USA History on July 4, 2016| Leave a Comment »
We have one of the shortest nation’s histories around today. Not like some of the other countries (or cultures or religions). Yet we seem to take the least interest in knowing our history here in the United States of America than other countries. Now this is just my humble opinion based on multiple decades of observations, and perhaps I’m wrong.
But this supports my theory that overall, the typical citizen of USA, knows this much:
Now, I realize this is a small sample size, in one city in America, but seriously? Perhaps I am wrong, and if I am write a lovely, polite comment demonstrating my error. I don’t think I am that far off though.
My cousin gently reminded folks that the holiday is not 4th of July, that’s the date of the holiday. It’s Independence Day. Just think of the two movies if you get confused. And since a good majority (but not all Americans-sadly capitalism prevails) have the day off, pick up a book about America. Or search online. Hell, try Wikipedia, it’s a start. Try America (The Book) by Jon Stewart will get you to start thinking, in a gentle, unboring, non-history-class way.
Get some pride, America. Get involved. Look up who your actual representatives are and watch how they are representing you. We fought for this. We didn’t want taxation without representation, but now we’ve become a little lazy. I know mine-Senators Menendez and Booker, and my 3rd Congressional District 3 Representative is Rep. MacArthur. Within the state, I’m in District 8, Senator Addiego, and Assemblymen Howarth and Rodriguez-Gregg.
Go. Celebrate your Independence Day. Just do it the right way. Our country isn’t perfect, we’ve got a lot to fix, but you can only help do that if you at least know the basics.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Wally, weight on July 1, 2016| Leave a Comment »
I realized that you might be wondering about Wally. He’s still here. I am pleased to tell you though that we’ve been working out together. I would say five days a week, we’ve intentionally tried to get rid of him.
The weird thing is sixteen years ago, I weighed more than I do now. And had for a number of years. I can’t remember how managed doing things back then. I can’t stand how this impacts me now, cut I don’t remember it interfering like this back then.
The trouble right now is comfort food. And with the emotional tsunami, I am indulging.
But Wally & I are walking each day and then doing strength building stuff a few times a week. And other than the comfort food indulgence in a moment of weakness, overall my diet is the best it has ever been.
The BBQ this weekend probably won’t help.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Bear, Bearpaw, grief on June 20, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Today I was drowning in a tsunami of grief and sorrow. I cried throughout the day, at times worried that people on the other side of my cube would hear. I managed okay in my meeting because I let the others do the talking, with me just piping in with questions to move the conversation in a new direction or to delve deeper into the topic at hand.
Inside I was asking how 366 days could have passed? June 20, 2015 was the last day we saw Bear. Then the boys were off to camp weeks and such. The next time I thought I would see him was at the end of July for Younger Son’s birthday. Instead I identified his body at the trauma center.
Those images are burned in brain and haunt my nightmares still, but a year ago today we were with Bear. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, here are a few thousands words on the happiness and love that filled that day.
On July 16 I will have lived a year without my beloved Bear. While the sadness and grief continues to be overwhelming at times, it has already been a year filled with great blessings and many happy times. My hope is that the saying about a house holds true even a little bit for grief. You have to live in it for a year to know what it’s like in every season. Then I can start making repairs to my heart.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Hamilton the Musical, Older Son on June 13, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Finally, I can get Older Son personalized stuff without special ordering it. Congratulations to the cast & crew!
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged changes, life, transitions, Wally on June 12, 2016| Leave a Comment »
But I’ve never been to me. Okay, not exactly. This is a time of life full of transitions for me. Trying to get rid of Wally once and for all, new job, I get home earlier (well, not while I’m teaching but that only has a couple more weeks), and sons who are the most independent they’ve yet been. I have some time on my hands.
Normally this time of year I’d be prepping for a big event for one of the boards I’m on. But that event had changed, much to my sadness. So I thought about it a LOT. I’ve been a big part of this event for about a decade. I wasn’t sure what to do about my sadness.
I’m going to spend the time reinvesting in me. Do extra workouts to get rid of Wally even quicker. Continue my Quixotic quest for an uncluttered house. We’re hoping to start work on the bloody bathroom soon (I hope, I hope, I hope). I’m going to take Rex on long leisurely walks (he lasts about 15 minutes, maybe I can build him up to 20?). Go on the trails with my sons. Color! Read! Write! Sew! Learn to crochet!
And maybe, just maybe, Hubby and I can have a date night!
I have not let myself slow down for so long that I truly suck at it. Am I afraid of something? Do I think the world is going to stop? Do I have such delusions of grandeur? Really, who cares if I choose to spend some quality time binging on Netflix? Who cares if I make toys from all the freakin’ cat hair I sweep up all the time?
To quote Queen, this is your life. So what have I been waiting for?
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Stanford rape on June 11, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Stanford rape, Swedish heroes on June 7, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Here is an article with/about the two Swedish gentlemen. And are they gentlemen. Still respecting her by not getting into it. The rapist could learn a thing or two from these gentlemen.
Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged Brock Turner, FSU, rape, Stanford, Winstons on June 6, 2016| Leave a Comment »
My sons are 12 and 10. They know rape is a violent crime. And according to title 9, if alcohol is involved, for either party, consent is not possible. Since this was a frat party, title 9 applies. She couldn’t legally give consent. Neither could he, but his actions sure did. This happens too often on college campuses. Usually they don’t even get national coverage. There is an NFL player, alum of FSU, that got away with this shit. ( http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/26/sports/football/florida-state-to-pay-jameis-winstons-accuser-950000-in-settlement.html?_r=0 ) It is a disgusting underbelly of our tertiary education system that must be ended. I guess this is a pathetic first step, but six months? Seriously? Then again, Winstons wasn’t even criminally charged.
http://www.scarymommy.com/brock-turner-dad-judge-letter/?utm_source=FB
ohbloodyhell8 