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Posts Tagged ‘grace’

Moms who work

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on April 11, 2012| 1 Comment »

Oldest son got out of the bathtub, wrapped towels around himself with a little help, and went to his room to put on pajamas.  Youngest son said no.  He declared he wasn’t getting out of the tub even when I offered to help with his towels.  Five minutes passed and I offered again (my mistake).  His response was that he staying in the tub for the next two days.  Stupidly I offered a third time (again my mistake).  It was a sincere conversation on my end to understand what made him want to stay in the tub.  I told him this was it and he said no.  I opened the door and started walking out of the bathroom when he said yes (his mistake).

The fury that unleashed from me was frightening.  This is the exact problem we have been working on and while it seemed he was learning, he tested me tonight and he won.  I kid myself everyday that I don’t feel guilty about working.  And tonight knowing I have to leave them again tomorrow morning to go spend the day with other people’s kids put the guilt into overdrive.  I will never stop feeling guilty about working out of the house.  I can rationalize it all the different ways that I do, but in the end I feel like I am not being the mother I should be.

According to the picture wall in my living room my sons are still three and five.  In reality they are six and eight.

I said to people just today how I don’t feel guilty about going back to work tomorrow.  I wrote recently that I don’t feel like I’ve missed things.

I am lying.  It breaks my heart.  And when each vacation ends, I feel sick.

I am thankful for all of our blessings.  I know to have a job right now is truly a blessing.  And I have a good job.  It doesn’t change the fact that I want to be home with my sons.  So I create this stupid drama.  I suppose in the juvenile part of my mind I think it will make it easier to separate myself from them.  And you know the stupidest thing of all is I don’t think they really care.  They’ve completely adapted to me not being home.  Yes, they say they miss me, they say they wish I were home, but I think they are fine when I’m not here.  It’s me.  When will I find a way to truly balance having to be a mom who works?

Do I stop taking vacations so I don’t have to relive how I felt on my first day at the job?

Do I play the lottery every day?

Do I go back to the patchwork-full-time-through-several-part-time jobs again?

Do I suck it up and cry on my way to work again tomorrow?

I look back at the choices in my life and I know that I couldn’t change any because then my sons might not be here.  The path I have walked is the path I was supposed to and three of the best parts of this path are my hubby and two sons.  I wouldn’t change anything because it might change them.

I need to keep my temper in check.  I need to draw patience and grace always.  I need to accept that I am a mom who works even though she would love to be home when her sons get home from school and on their days off and have as much time is needed to focus on them.

I have to suck it up and cry on my way to work again tomorrow.  And keep hoping to win the lottery.  But not in a monkey’s paw kind of way.

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Don Quixote wasn’t so crazy

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on March 5, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Searching for windmills is quite possibly the normal state of existence for humans.  Each day brings a new quest.  It may be a simple quest-locating the misplaced remote control monster truck or completing a simple task at work.  Some days it may be a tougher quest-battling demons from your past that continue to haunt you.  Still, the concept is the same.  A quest for a satisfactory conclusion to a life event.  Humans, or at least this human, finds that true each day.

This repeating cycle of quests seems to have its roots in childhood.  I have vague memories of wanting to find answers to different questions over the course of my childhood and through my adolescence.  I see my sons on quests each day.  How we handle the journey defines our beings.  If we stomp our feet and pitch a fit we’ll find ourselves walking on our journey alone more often than with support.  If we aspire to a goal without doing the work we need to do to reach it, we’ll stumble, possible even fall.  The hardest quest for me is simply being in the moment and doing my best each day, in each moment.

Every day has certain menial tasks to be completed.  I can do these tasks with grace or I can do them quickly and without care.  If I do them with grace, there is joy to be found even in the simplest of tasks.  This could be changing the trash bag, doing laundry, or proofreading at work.  Filling these tasks with grace makes them more fun and reminds me that though they are redundant parts of my life, they are critical.  I need to empty the trash or my kitchen will be stinky.  I need to do laundry since none of us can walk around naked (we don’t live at a nudist colony so it’s not our norm).  I need to proofread, daily because of where I work.

These are simple quests, conquered every day.  The quests that are more fun fall into two general categories-challenges and my family.  Challenges could be a large project at work or actually getting my whole house clean at the same time (that’s my windmill!).  I have vacation time in April…could get closer to that clean house!  Other challenges include working through those issues in life that throw you for a loop.  Death.  Disease.  Major life changes that you weren’t expecting.  Things like that.

Challenges can be blended with my family too.  My sons are a wee bit older than they were last year.  They can help out with the yard this spring.  They started helping with the big clean-up last fall and with planting bulbs.  When they see they flowers this spring, I hope it offers motivation for the spring cleaning of the yard.  They’ll start to see the pay-off of hard work.  They’ll start to learn that though it may not have an immediate payoff, it’s worth the work and effort.  They need to learn that immediate gratification is not all it’s cracked up to be.  It’s a hard lesson but so important since they are growing up in this world- on-demand, high-speed internet, plentiful food, and stores that carry almost anything they could think of to buy.  Plus a mother who is often a sucker with a really big soft spot for them and falls victim to their big blue eyes, with dark lashes batting with innocence and hope.  They need to realize that anticipation, dreams, and patience are all good things to have.

Quests to lighten my loads-both emotional and physical-are wonderful.  I only hope that I conquer these quests sooner rather than later as I’d like to stop having them gnaw at my being every day of my life.  My hubby tells me not to sweat them, and I’d love to do that except it’s not in my nature at all.  I want to conquer these quests of mine.  I want to show my sons that it is important and fulfilling to complete goals that you set for yourself.

Quests are a good thing.  The more interesting the quest, the more interesting your life.

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Date Night

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on February 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I had a date this evening with an incredibly handsome young man.  He’s a little shorter than 4 feet, has dirty blond hair, and these blue eyes surrounded by the most amazing (girls are jealous because they need mascara to get these) eyelashes.  I even told my husband about the date.  He was jealous, but he let this young charmer spend the time with me.

My youngest was sick yesterday with a little stomach virus (no, not the norovirus).  We spent the whole day together.  Still, evening came and the boys were tucked into bed.  A few minutes later I heard the footsteps coming down the hallway.  Ah, my youngest, with tears streaming down his face.  He claimed to still be sick (he was using some of those brains in a most manipulative way).  After some deep conversation, the problem was identified.  He wanted more time with Mommy-without the big brother making the choices.  Ah, the root of the issue.

Birth order impacts each person greatly over the course of their lives.  When my hubby and I were gearing up to get married we attended premarital counseling.  It was awesome.  Part of it was to explore our families of origin and how they would impact the family that we were building.  You learn a lot when you look at your family objectively and identify the “roles” you are assigned.  Part of this process helped discover that as a middle child, I knew I would prefer to only have two children.  I also discovered a goal created from being a second child because I know what it’s like to live in the shadow of the older sibling.

There are very few pictures of me as a child.  My interests were echoes of my older sibling’s choices.  My schedule was often dictated by my older sibling’s many because he started his stuff before I did.  Age trumped beauty, I like to think.  😉

Anyhoo, I knew I would not let my second child wonder where were all his pictures.  No, I do not harbor deep feelings of anger toward my folks. Actually, I tease my mother about it.  At least I hope she knows I’m teasing.  But I am intentional in my efforts to level the playing field.  Still, my youngest is beginning to express his discontent about the rank of his big bro.  Big brothers do tend to boss the younger ones around.  It happens rather naturally.  But I believe in nature and nurture.

Tonight’s date included his choice of movie and no big brother.  Big brother was eventually invited to join us and then nature stepped in the picture.  We were watching School House Rock (oh, yeah, Mom was pleased with the choice) and the oldest was trying to tell his brother which one to pick next.  I’m sure you can guess the drama that followed.

Older brother really didn’t like not being the one to make the choices.  He burst into tears because “it’s not about me.”  He was quite troubled by someone else being in control.  The younger brother was delirious with the power.  Pinching was involved.  Parental speeches that echoed the speeches of Mike and Carol were delivered.  Hugs were given.  This was the first step on the road to a more balanced control of power between the brothers.  It will take many steps.  And many more Brady Bunch speeches.

All this generated an interesting declaration at bedtime.  The oldest stated that dad must be the boss of mom, mom the boss of oldest son, and oldest son boss of youngest son.  Whoa.  I quickly corrected him that Dad is not the boss of Mom.  That husbands and wives are partners.  And siblings are not bosses of each other, not are they their keepers.  The complexity of relationships will be explored for decades by these boys.  Of course, their mom is still working on relationships.  That’s the best thing I could teach them about relationships.  They always change and you never become a master at them.  You always work at them and sometimes they are beyond your control.  The only control you sometimes have is to let go of them as gracefully as you can.  And even then you’ll stumble.

Date night.  Way more than I expected.

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Verso Verso

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , on January 17, 2012| Leave a Comment »

My oldest was telling me about the big plans for the under-water camera liopleurodon he’s building.  He was listing how was going to attach the flippers and he ended his description with “or verso verso”.  I looked at him.  I asked him what verso verso meant, explaining that I wasn’t familiar with the term.  (Possibly it was a paleontology term that he had learned in the past 24 hours.)  He said wasn’t sure.  I asked if he meant vice versa and he said yup.  I then asked if he knew what that phrase meant.  He said nope.  I laughed a deep belly laugh.  He amazes me everyday with his attempts to grow up as quickly as he can while still clutching to childhood.  He has been asking a lot of questions about what it’s like to be a grown-up.  He’s at that stage where being a grown-up is so much cooler than being a kid.  I explained to him that while being a grown-up has some fun parts, being a kid is the best.  I also told him that while I may be an adult, I am not a grown-up.  I am a sufferer of Peter Pan syndrome in a big way.  I never grew up and motherhood helps keep it that way.

Yet I still progress toward self-actualization.  I had a great conversation with my boss today about striking the balance between work and personal life.  My quests for simplicity and grace are part of my quest for self-actualization.  I look at it as a recurring quest.  At different points in me life I feel I was self-actualized.  For that time period I probably was as self-actualized as I could have been then, but the little spark of wisdom I have gained is that you have to keep moving forward.  The level of self-actualization is always changing, always getting more complex.   While I am blessed enough to have the lower levels basically squared away (physiological, safety, love & belonging), to me, the levels of esteem and self-actualization are constantly in flux.  It’s like one’s own flux capacitor.  One travels between different levels, times if you will, and so the quest continues.

All this from a discussion about vice versa.

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The Christmas Spirit

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Fair warning…I am writing about Christmas.  If you do not celebrate this holiday, I am not writing this to offend you, but merely to exercise my right to be a Christian and celebrate my faith.  So if it bothers you when a Christian uses her right to freedom of religion now is a good time to stop reading so you don’t get angry at me.

That said-we watched Muppet Christmas Carol twice today.  I’m watching the Monk Christmas episodes and will begin baking cookies very soon.  Tomorrow evening we’ll go to church for the Christmas Eve service.  It’s one of my favorite services of the year.  During the minutes when the church is lit only by candles and we sing “Silent Night” I am filled with a feeling like no other.  When we get home, the boys will listen to Scott read the “Night Before Christmas” and I’ll take their picture next to the empty stockings.  They’ll be tucked into bed and then the fun really begins.

As Santa works, he always watches the marathon of A Christmas Story.  After about the fourth go-around, he gets to go to bed.  This year Santa tagged everything in advance so perhaps Santa will only see the movie three times before collapsing into bed.  Last thing Santa does before falling into bed is adding the baby Jesus to the Nativity set.  The Wise Men don’t come out till Epiphany so they still get to hang out for a couple of weeks.

One of the things I love about this time of year is the wonderful sense of antici…pation.  I love reflecting on the birth of Jesus.  With the birth of each of my sons I was completely overwhelmed with emotion, thoughts, questions, answers.  My entire world changed.  How must it have felt to give birth to the Savior?  I cannot fathom.  The strength and faith that resided within Mary are levels that I will most likely never have, but I try.  The whole concept of grace and parenting fills my daily thoughts.  To let your child grow into his own potential.  To provide guidance, support, and respect so he knows he can figure out who he is and make good choices.  To fill his days with love and faith and grace.  To help him make the memories that will shape his future.  Oh, the joy of parenting is heightened at this time of year.  The anticipation I felt with each pregnancy, wondering if the baby would be a boy or girl, wondering what the baby would look like.  This time of year always brings back those memories as I think about the anticipation Mary must have felt.  Every mother feels it, but I would presume it may have been heightened for her.

And the anticipation in the children is fantastic.  It’s harder to focus on some things, but their focus on waiting for Christmas morning is solid.  While this young, more of the focus does fall to the big guy in red, but the moments my sons have shared with me as they have thought about the birth of Jesus warm my heart.  They have asked more detail questions this year than previous years.  They’ve wondered if it was warm or cold, what kinds of animals were there, how long did it take the Wise Men to get there, why did they bring gifts, is that why we get gifts, so many questions.  I answer as best as I can.  The only thing I do is try to not destroy their sense of wonder.

May your Christmas celebration be filled with the love Mary and Joseph felt that wonderful day.  May the spirit of God fill your heart and soul.  May you make beautiful memories with your families and friends.  Happy Christmas!

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I can’t resist

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2011| 1 Comment »

My six year old said during dinner this evening, “I can’t resist food…it’s just too good.”  Monday night is pizza night.  It used to be on Friday nights, but I don’t mind making dinner on Friday night, I have the time.  Monday night is chaotic, so we switched pizza night.  They truly couldn’t resist.  They polished off their pizza and started attacking the parents’ pizza.  They also ate half the bread sticks.  He was right, he can’t resist.

And now a question.  (It’s an interrogative statement seeking knowledge, but that’s not important right now.) Who is Coupon Suzy and why must she invade my world so often?  They are awful commercials.  Highly annoying lady.

Charlie Brown is on and memories of childhood come flooding in to my mind.  “Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest.”   The cartoons of today don’t seem to have the staying power of the old ones.  The classic Christmas shows are on every year, but I don’t know that the Shrek one will last for forty or fifty years of annual showings.

The classic is, of course, The Year without a Santa Claus…Heat Miser and Snow Miser…I’m too much!

The Peanuts gang is tackling some serious issues.  Phobias, depression, the need for real estate, the over-commercialization of holidays.  Plus they pepper it with historical references (the Red Baron, no, not the pizza…Baron Manfred von Richthofen).  You know how they balance all the world pressures?  Their deep appreciation for culture.  I dare you to watch them dancing to Schroeder tickling those ivories and not stand up to join them.  Love the way they dance mostly because I can dance like them.  It’s a very free dance style, when one didn’t care about how one looked while dancing.  It’s like the way Phoebe ran (see the Friends episode).

No matter what religion you have faith in, even if you don’t follow religion, one thing about Christmas-time is universal.  It can bring out each person’s childlike wonder in the world.  It can help each person to remember to simply be nice, every day of the year this is possible, but somehow each year at this season, it seems a little easier to do.  Yeah, it’s the Dickens in me.  Yes, it is a wonderful life.

Winter is a time for shedding the old and looking to the future for a new way.  Perhaps you do live each day in the past, present, and future.  If you do, you can renew your energies during the winter season, flowering in the spring with nature.  If you don’t live each day this way, you can start.  Winter is such a reflective time, the days are shorter and darker and colder.  You can turn inward as you stay indoors.  You can let go of your past yet keep it with you to remind yourself of where you’ve been and where you’re going.  Don’t live for or in the future so much that you miss the moments you are in.  Cherish the present as it truly is a gift.

So as my sons can’t resist pizza, I can’t resist putting my thoughts down, pen to paper, or at least the digital version.  I know most think being called Scrooge is an insult.  But think about it.  Think of how the story ends.  I wouldn’t mind being called Scrooge.  Bah humbug-not to anything-it’s just a fun phrase.

 

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Little Social Creatures

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on December 4, 2011| Leave a Comment »

The boys and I were shopping today for the presents for the tags we pulled off the tree at the library.  Each tag has a request from a girl or boy for presents.  You return the presents with the tag back to the library and the volunteers deliver them to the children.  As we were walking around the store, my youngest ran into a friend from kindergarten.  The two greeted each other like little men and stood talking as if they were in their 30s and not only six years old.  They caught up on what each one was doing, compared first grade teachers (since they are in different classes this year), and discussed toys they are hoping to receive on December 25th.

As I chatted with the mom, I watched both my sons.  My oldest made small talk with the older sister (she’s in second grade) and gave his brother space to socialize with his friend.  It is so much fun to watch them being the little social creatures they are.  I love watching them as they crawl out of their egocentric cocoon.  We all remain egocentric to some degree, one could argue Maslow’s theories require this, but we branch out as we grow up.

This eight minute exchange in a department store helps them begin to learn social niceties and graces.  Selecting a tag from the tree at the library and giving thought to selecting presents to give to children who are waiting for a happier situation helps them become aware of the world around them.  And today the social niceties also brought a surprise bonus.  The friend and his sister were at the store doing the same thing-picking out presents for the children on the tags they pulled off the tree at the library.

How cool was that…to find being gracious and thoughtful at this time of year for little children who you only know through a tag is cool.  My sons walked away with smiles on their faces.  I walked away with a smile in my heart.

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Grace and daily life

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on November 12, 2011| 2 Comments »

Grace.  Graciousness.  I ponder this concept daily.  I try to be graceful or gracious each day, but there are moments each day when I lose the grace.  It could be on my commute to work when someone cuts me off…actually whenever this happens I lose the ability to be graceful.  I don’t understand the people who change lanes every few minutes, especially when the flow of traffic is at a crawl.  Do they truly believe that jockeying for a spot in front of one more car in the other lane will get them to work any sooner?  And during these traffic jams, I despise when the motorcycle forgets that we’re supposed to treat them the same as any other full-sized vehicle and magically drive on the dotted lines.  Hello!  Sit in the traffic like the rest of us, you putz.  See, the grace disappears even while writing about it.

Once I lose my cool I then get angry with myself that I lost my grip on grace.  I am getting better at letting that go quickly, but I need to stop losing the grip all together.  I maintain grace pretty well at work (I think).  I feel as though I use up most of the reservoir of grace throughout the work day.  What I have left over at home always seems to take more effort.  I know grace is always attainable, so is it that I’m meaner at home or is that I feel as though the ones I love are able more easily to take me losing grace?  The irony is the ones I want to shower with grace and love and patience seem to get the leftovers.  This is not the way I want it.  I need to be more disciplined in the way I share grace at home, without simply spoiling the boys out of guilt.

The boys are having an awesome streak.  They’ve been very loving, very into sharing, and working their manners like maniacs.  They are in full “I want that for Christmas” mode.  Must avoid commercial television-would help me to keep my grace!  They want everything that isn’t pink.  Most items have lots of small pieces (further challenges to grace).  I can’t see Santa bringing many of those though since they haven’t gained consistency in taking care of the many small pieces they currently possess.

But the big gift they each want is a bike.  Hamilton can ride, with training wheels, but he doesn’t practice very much.  I’ve never even seen Harrison try to ride a bike.  The only good part about this is at least I didn’t miss while I was at work.  If Santa does bring bikes, I really will have to finally get new tires for the bike I bought at a yard sale three or four years ago.  It would be nice to go riding with my sons in the spring.  Hopefully, the cup of grace will be running over when they learn how to ride.

Sleep calls.  One of many ways to recharge the grace battery.

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Journals…the low tech blog

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on August 1, 2011| Leave a Comment »

In my continuing efforts to purge my house and soul from clutter, I went through a large storage box containing my college journals.  Oh, gentle reader, I’ve been blogging for years.  Just did it using paper and pen.  I refrained from reading every single page since the point was to purge, not walk down memory lane.  But the pages I did read included the typical stuff of a woman in her early twenties, friendships, guys, the really cool shoes at the mall that I couldn’t afford if I wanted to eat that week.  Obviously, if I had been Carrie Bradshaw, I would’ve had the shoes.  I am more practical and have never had her bankroll to be less practical with.

But there was also heart on those pages.  College was an interesting time for me with a lot of personal stuff going on, much like many college students.  The problems I faced then were the largest problems I had faced to date and I miss those types of problems now.  I sweated the small stuff.  Yet at the time, it was not the small stuff.  That’s the interesting thing about that approach-it isn’t small when you’re sweating it.  It is only in hindsight that you can realize it was the small stuff.  I think I have gotten better at keeping perspective about what is big and what is small now.  My husband and sons will always be big stuff, but some of the day-to-day involved in sharing a home together is small.  To remember that and handle the small stuff with grace and patience is the key (I’m clearly still working on that).

I couldn’t dispose of any of the journals, even though I am aware they’ll never do anything other than sit in the box, but I did purge the old tax records from over a decade ago and “IMPORTANT” papers that have no bearing on my life now.  It felt good to release them and the emotions tied in with some of them.   It’s weird to be reflecting back on some major life events and realizing they don’t really mean squat anymore.

What does mean something in my life are things like my oldest son having had a great week at camp, learning archery, and focusing during vespers.  It matters that my youngest is now six and had “a really fun birthday”.  I watched Michael Jackson’s Thriller with him last week-Michael is his “favorite singer”.  I got the same goosebumps I did when I first saw it in 1983.  My son got goosebumps and declared that he wants to be “one of those zombies for Halloween”.  My six-year-old loved the “stomach bug germs” we gave him for his birthday, some of the guests didn’t quite understand it, but who cares.  My oldest taught me the “Addams Family” prayer he learned at camp.

These are the things that are important now.  That and helping my sons not sweat the small stuff too much when it truly is small stuff, compared to the larger parts of their lives.  There are still paper journals in my life.  I write in a journal for each of my sons regularly, so when they are older they’ll have a written record of their small stuff that was so big.

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My Cup Runneth Over

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on July 14, 2011| Leave a Comment »

My cup is truly filled with grace and happiness today.  Touching base with my first love, I have been cast in a show, a musical to boot!  It will wonderfully exciting to “move well” across the boards again.

My sons are having a wonderful summer, digging in dirt, spending the day with their friends, getting a treat from Mr. Softee.  They are filthy by the end of each day and it’s wonderful.  My sons, two of their friends, and I will be going to the local zoo tomorrow.

The weather is beautiful this week.  I’ve actually enjoyed some of it.

Vacation Bible School (VBS) has surrounded me with wonderful, talented, giving volunteers again.  I am very excited for it to start next week.

The class I teach is going nicely with a good group of students and an even balance in the classroom.  The class I’ll teach in the fall is looking full and happy.  My job is going well.  Friends are getting good news and enjoying good developments in their lives.

My house is getting cleaner.  My soul is getting cleaner.

Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard will be back on House.

Life is good.  I am thankful for the blessings of God’s grace filling my cup till it runneth over.

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