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Archive for the ‘Musings and Epiphanies’ Category

Chopped Liver

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , , , on July 16, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I don’t know how it happened.  I do know when it happened.  This is the summer of my discontent.  My sons have taken the first step to independence and I have become chopped liver.  Their world was parent-centric.  Now it’s play-outside-all-day-and-what-do-you-mean-I-have-to-come-in-centric.

Yes, I’m happy for them.  Yes, it’s means they’re growing up just like we want them to, with independence and confidence.  Yes, it means so many wonderful things.

But, first I’m going to have myself a bit of a pity party.

Where are my babies?

Okay, pity party’s over.  What an exciting time.  Yeah, yeah, for them, but I mean for me and my hubby.  We could pick up our hobbies again.  Heck, I’ve already been cast in a show.  I’m going to rehearsal tomorrow and the boys have to come with me, instead of me going with them.  My husband and I have had actual conversations in the recent weeks.  Conversation that were uninterrupted by “Mom, he’s touching me.”  I’ve been completing whole thoughts all at once.  I’ve been working on house projects, including catching up on Hugh Laurie and House.  I’ve done, dare I write it, reading for FUN and the book was a grown-up book with no pictures.  I’m current in the grading for my summer class.

While it is hard to think that the early childhood years have almost passed, it is invigorating to know that the early work took hold.  Our sons are getting it.  No, not perfectly-we really need to work on that talking back to your mother thing-but they are problem solving, compromising, sharing, thinking of others, and having fun with their friends.  They have entered that time of their life when they have secrets that mean the world that they forget the following week.  They make secret clubs and handshakes.  They can do anything, be anything.  It’s the time of youth when everyday objects hold magical powers, the days are never long enough, and the plans they make will really happen.   This summer marks the beginning of one of the best times of their lives and, oh my sweet sons, I am so happy for you.

It’s like the summer in It when the six of them first battle It.  Okay, I don’t hope that my sons end up in the bowels of the sewers battling a monster so hideous one can only call it It, but this is like that summer.  The summer of innocence when a child can still believe in monsters and the tooth fairy.  This won’t be their only summer like this, they’ll have four or five more, but this is the first one for them.  One of the boys they play with (an older boy, he’s 11) is in his last summer of innocence.  You can see it changing for him.  Some days he can completely suspend disbelief, other days he struggles and usually goes home.  The summers of suspension of disbelief.  They’re awesome.

My job now is to let them have their grand adventures.  To let them believe.  To quickly bandage their scrapes so they can back out there.  To hug them when their feelings are hurt and they’re never going to talk to so-and-so again (at least till they’re back outside talking to so-and-so again).  I’ve got to say, it hurts just a wee bit to let them have the space and time away from the “safety” of home.  But only until one of them runs in to get a toy, and pauses to come to me, wrap his arms around me, and say, “I love you, Mom.”  Then the hurt is not so bad.

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My Cup Runneth Over

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on July 14, 2011| Leave a Comment »

My cup is truly filled with grace and happiness today.  Touching base with my first love, I have been cast in a show, a musical to boot!  It will wonderfully exciting to “move well” across the boards again.

My sons are having a wonderful summer, digging in dirt, spending the day with their friends, getting a treat from Mr. Softee.  They are filthy by the end of each day and it’s wonderful.  My sons, two of their friends, and I will be going to the local zoo tomorrow.

The weather is beautiful this week.  I’ve actually enjoyed some of it.

Vacation Bible School (VBS) has surrounded me with wonderful, talented, giving volunteers again.  I am very excited for it to start next week.

The class I teach is going nicely with a good group of students and an even balance in the classroom.  The class I’ll teach in the fall is looking full and happy.  My job is going well.  Friends are getting good news and enjoying good developments in their lives.

My house is getting cleaner.  My soul is getting cleaner.

Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard will be back on House.

Life is good.  I am thankful for the blessings of God’s grace filling my cup till it runneth over.

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Mean Mommy

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on June 27, 2011| Leave a Comment »

My five-year old came over to the chaise, sat down, and said in that sweet little boy voice, “Mom, you’re the best mom in the world (pause) except when you’re being kinda mean.”

My husband then asked him, “when is Mommy mean?”

“When she uses her angry voice.”

“When does she use her angry voice?”

“When we don’t clean up or do what she tells us to do.”

Yep, I’m a mean mommy.  I am proud to be one.  I make my sons take a bath or shower when they are dirty or stinky or just because.

I make them brush their teeth (“yes, you have to brush more than once a day.”)

I make them go to bed by 8:30 during the school year.  I make them do their homework.  I make them apologize when they need to apologize.  I make them say please, thank you, you’re welcome, and may I….

I make them clean up-true, that’s a tough one and we are working on it, but we’re getting there.  I make them learn about taking care of the earth.  I make them think about other people’s feelings.

I make them go to church.

I make them brush their hair and wash their hands and clean their faces.  I make them put out the recycling and the trash.  I then make them put the cans away.

I make them learn responsibility, work ethic, and what it means to be a friend.  I make them practice patience.

Yep, I’m a mean mommy.  I will continue to be a mean mommy for as long as I need to be one.  I am not a perfect mommy and they are not perfect sons.  But we’ve come a long way and it gets better and better every day.

 

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Living Deliberately Slowly

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on June 26, 2011| Leave a Comment »

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

I continue to strive to live as Hank prescribed.  Challenging task to accomplish each day.  In this walk of mine, I stumble regularly and waste energy on things that are not important in the big picture.  How does one stay on the path and not wander?  I don’t play chess, but I know a bit about it.  This walk feels somewhat like a chess game.  You need to know where you want to end up and the eight or nine moves you have to make to get there, planning, of course, for the possible defense put against your moves.  Yet at the same time of planning all of these moves, I remind myself to be ready to throw away the plan for staying in the moment.

As John Lennon sang, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.  I sing that song to my boys each night (they call it the “long lullaby”).  So it is a balance for planning and realizing life happens whether you want it to or not.  How are you going to spend your life?  I have to “practice” certain “complex ways of living” but not all.  I keep finding new ways to “get my feet down to the earth” while I walk this earth.

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Rituals of Childhood

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on June 16, 2011| 2 Comments »

Harrison was sick today with the world’s mildest stomach bug.  We kept him home from school and I went to work a bit late so I could cuddle with him.  Thursdays are one of my late days and  he would be asleep by the time I got home, so I called in to let my boss know I was going to tend to my sick little guy.  Then we cuddled on the couch and I rubbed his back.  The time flew far too quickly and I had to leave.  As we were saying goodbye, my little guy demonstrated how much he has grown up since I started this job.

Do you know the book The Kissing Hand?  Harrison and I have our own version of The Kissing Hand.  We kiss two fingers and link them.  He saw this is what Scott and I do, so Harrison adopted it as our kissing hand.  Hamilton and I do the classic Kissing Hand, but Harrison individualizes himself from his big bro.  Today he initiated it.  First time.  Brought tears to my overly sentimental eyes.

Then Harrison brought me to a full sob.  He said, “Mom, I’ll wave to you from the window.  Like I did when I was three, remember?”  Oh, yes I do remember.  He waved from the living room window to me in the car every morning after I started working outside of the house full-time.  I don’t know who needed that ritual more-probably me.  Another difference today-Harrison didn’t need the step stool to see out the window.

I love that he remembers.  It’s a unique memory for him, separate from his brother’s memories.  We try to give each of our sons unique experiences peppered into their shared childhood together.  They are best friends, greatest enemies, and thick as thieves.  Their loyalty to each other is vast and deep.  I am so thankful to watch their childhood-to step outside on occasion and look inside to see what is important to them, the worlds they’ve created, and the ways they show each other their love.

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What about Bob?

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on June 14, 2011| Leave a Comment »

OCD can be a blessing and a curse.  My talent for alphabetizing is truly neat and I catch little mistakes that probably wouldn’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but in my line of work these two things do come in handy.  Catching the little mistakes more so, but if I do ever decide to pursue the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” path and become a librarian, both will be truly purposeful.  I am glad that my boss really appreciates my ability to catch most errors (not all, I’m not perfect).  When I do miss one, I actually question myself-how could I have missed that? It was so obvious!

It’s a curse when you live with the three stooges who do not possess the same affection for order or organization.  But on my journey for self-improvement, I try to remember it is me stuck on this need.  It does get in the way at times because sometimes you simply cannot be ritualistic about order, which is my natural desire.  A place for everything and everything in its place.  I also like to keep to the schedule I set forth each day.  Obviously with two young boys, I’ve had to adapt.  I have a few new things I do that I can control and they help.

I get an everything bagel four days a week at work.  I don’t get the bagel on Friday because it’s early closing at the moment (so very nice) but also I prefer things in even numbers.  Messiest bagel out there, but I always check for poppy seeds after I finish and I’m mindful not to get seeds and such on my desk.  I put the cream cheese on it the same way each time and cut each half in half the same way.  It sets the day to a pleasant tone.  The nice ladies in the cafeteria set one aside for me now Monday through Thursday in case I can’t down till a little later in the morning.  I also found the bagel balances my blood sugar nicely throughout the day.

I’m following a regular bedtime.  It’s really early for me…11:30…and it’s starting to feel like that’s late!  It helps me to let go at night.  I’m no longer staying up randomly trying to finish one more thing.  It’s helped with simplicity-setting simple goals for each day and accepting that they may not all be achieved.  It also helps me to enjoy my time after I get home from work more.  It relaxes me knowing that the day will in fact end and I’ll be able to rest.

Another ritual that has returned is reading Stephen King again before I go to sleep.  The old friends are nice to reconnect with and a reader always brings something new to the text, so many are like brand new stories.  I’ve also been reading at work.  It’s been a goal to read research articles and such and I’ve actually been doing it.  Today, my head was simply swimming with wonderful information, but I then had to follow it to some kind of end, which there wasn’t a neat and tidy ending to get to and this created frustration.

The newest obsession is developing my personal philosophy, theology, understanding of my place in this world, and the calling put out for me.  It’s stalled at the moment, or it feels stalled.  I’ve plateaued and I’m not sure where to go next.  I’m in the zone of proximal development and I need the More Knowledgeable Other to scaffold me to the next level (yes, my inner geek comes out!).  So I will read the good book and see what I can discover in the Word.  Then I will read Uncle Stevie and fall asleep around 11:30.  Compulsive rituals are not always a bad thing.

Something I have noticed as I tweak my use time from fungible to epochal (yeah, go look ’em like I had to) is that I share so much more with my family.  My youngest was out in the back yard the other day, using nothing but pure imagination.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have been blessed to watch.  He was talking away to the trees, the dirt, or himself.  I don’t know who he was talking to, but he was having a grand time.  It was pure childhood joy not being interrupted or interfered with.  In letting go of the human constructs of time, I saw these moments he was having in discovering himself within the world.

I am finally finding a balance and a positive way to use the OCD.  Like Bob in What About Bob?, it’s baby steps.  Baby steps every day.

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Caterpillar Whisperer

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on June 12, 2011| Leave a Comment »

My youngest found a caterpillar a few weeks ago and named him Steve.  Steve was set up in the bug playground.  It’s a bug box, but with miniature playground equipment ( a very cool present for my boys from my boss).  The boys kept adding grass and leaves thinking that’s what Steve was eating, while I made sure the cotton ball stayed moist with sugar water.  Steve made a cocoon in about a week.

My youngest was sad that Steve was following his life course, felt lonely, and found another caterpillar.  The bug playground could really only support one caterpillar, plus Steve had attached his cocoon to the flip top so to open it would probably kill the little guy.  We made another bug playground out of a to-go container.  This caterpillar was named Steve Montgomery (my son’s middle name, to distinguish the two Steves).  More leaves and grass, another cotton ball with sugar water, and another cocoon.

Steve Montgomery emerged today a beautiful moth.  My little guy released him into the world while shedding tears that his little metamorphosed friend was leaving him.  It’s a good way to learn about how life goes, an awesome experiential learning moment and a demonstration of amazing luck that the caterpillar survived the process and emerged a beautiful moth.

We’re still waiting on the other Steve.

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Abba

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on June 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Abba…not the Swedish pop group.  What do you see when you think of God?  I’ve always connected more on an auditory level, conversations with Him and such, but what do you see when you think of Him?  And as we discussed tonight in my group from church, Him?  Or Her?  Or simply spirit, a being, encompassing all traits and aspects of humanity?

In my quest for simplicity, can I be strong enough to also simplify my image of God to finally acknowledge what I have thought, felt, known for a long time?  That the being of God is simply too much for me to fathom until I am called home?

I used to picture God as a spiritual light being like when the Mystics and Skeksis were brought back together into one being, healing the crystal, and becoming once again the UrSkeks in The Dark Crystal.  Then Les Miserables provided me with a new image as I got older…”to love another person is to see the face of God”.   Long story short, my mind cannot fathom the image of God.  I have images that I connect with my relationship with God.  One is of hands, strong hands, comforting hands.  This, I am sure, is influenced by the fact that my dad was an Allstate agent.

But I also have images of nature, of acts of kindness, of acts of destruction that connect me with God.  It is easy to see God in kindness, love, and empathy.  It took me longer to see God in acts of destruction.  To see God weeping.  I feel God mourning when the act of destruction is caused by a human.  I know I have abused the concept of free will in my lifetime, I know I will again.  Ironically, it’s because I am human.  I can strive and strive to own free will and walk the path that Jesus has taught me, but I will fail.  It is what I do when I fail that matters.  It is taking ownership, it is being accountable that makes me stronger in my faith.  As I continue to improve that part of myself, I’ll fall less and less.

During our get-together tonight, I had so many pop cultural references pop into my mind.  This could mean that I have absorbed too much entertainment over the years.  It could also be a reflection of how long and how frequently society, generally speaking, tries to understand God.  Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty, Oh God, “What If God Were One of Us?”, Dogma, The Ten Commandments, The Passion of the Christ, “Personal Jesus”, “Losing My Religion”, Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, The Book of Mormon, The Seventh Sign.  How often societies try to understand their own religions…we can look back to the ancient Greeks and the Romans with all the mythology.  Well, what we call mythology but what to them was real.

I love exploring the aspects of my faith.  I love walking on my journey with God.  I am blessed to have my husband, sons, and church family to walk with on this road.  We all have our own individual paths, but they intersect often enough to celebrate our blessings.

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Unattainable Expectations

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on May 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Wilson said to Cuddy in an episode of House that women set unrealistic expectations and then overly criticize themselves when they don’t reach them (I paraphrased).  My husband says this to me all the time.  I do set unrealistic expectations and beat myself up when I don’t achieve them-regardless of the fact that no one could achieve them in the manner and time-frame I set forth for myself.  I am attempting to change this habit and the results will be twofold if I achieve the change.  I am already prepared for the reality that this change will take time.  But the twofold payoff is a valuable incentive.  Be the turtle and that big calling.

The first payoff is that I will transform myself from the hare into the turtle.  I always rush through things to be able to check them off of my list and in the process I miss the joy of the journey.  Becoming a mother began this transformation, but I have been resisting it in all areas of my life.  See, childbirth doesn’t go by the schedule I put forth.  I had to be the turtle in that instance.  My sons were going to come out when they were ready and only after patiently going through the process of giving birth.  So I savored each of their births and each was different from the other.  I have embraced my boys uniqueness since their births and they have proven to be very different boys .  But I will confess that I have not always been a turtle when it comes to them growing up.  Obviously I can’t make them grow faster than the good Lord intends them to, but I also have to keep myself in check to let them be the age they are and not rush them through to the next phase, because the contrived development can be sped up.  I want them to stay in childhood for as long as it is healthy for them.  I want them to believe in as many things for as long as possible.  There is no way of knowing if this helps builds their faith in other things, but I figure it won’t hurt.  So I strive to be the turtle.  Take it slow, enjoy the journey, smell the roses, and see the scenery in all its glory.

The other benefit of theoretically lowering standards and extending personal deadlines relates to the big calling I’ve been pondering over.  I have this life and need to make it what I want it to be.  I want to suck the marrow out of life.  One could miss opportunities for sucking the marrow if you’re always on a deadline.  You could also neglect the gifts that God gave you and miss hearing your calling.  I am striving to embrace me for me again.  I always think of the line from This Is Spinal Tap when the band is checking into the one hotel and they mock the guy behind the counter (I think the neighbor from The Jeffersons played the guy) and he responds “I am just as God made me.”  Dude, he’s so right.  I am just as God made me.  My faults are only faults if I don’t acknowledge them or try to improve upon them.  My quirkiness is a gift.  I still don’t always know when to “hide” it, but if people don’t get it, they can deal with it.  It is one of my gifts to see the world a little skewed.  It is a gift to remain optimistic.  It is a gift to resist cynacism.  It is a gift to still have child-like belief and fascination with the world.

Did you ever see the live-action film of Scooby Doo?  Scooby is the office of the owner of Spooky Island.  He sees a bobble head and keeps playing with it till the owner tells him to stop it.  My boss has a bobble head of our school’s mascot on her desk.  One of the secretaries brought it in and asked if one of us wanted it.  It sits on my boss’ desk because I would sit there all day making it bobble if it were on my desk.  The wonderful simplicity of a bobble head amuses me.  The joy my sons have when I bring out the face paints.  The joy of temporary tattoos is another great thing.    I’m digressing somewhat, but my point is that I don’t have to always be a grown up.  Who wants to be that?  I know when and where and how to fit into the different circumstances, but dagnabbit, the rest of the time I can my own quirky self.

It returns to my earlier posting about rediscovering the audacious self.  Letting go of societal standards except when absolutely necessary.  It returns me to Hank.

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

The simple things at a turtle’s pace with standards that are actually achievable.  A bobble head bobbles.

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Simplicity and grace strongly challenged

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on May 20, 2011| Leave a Comment »

and I stumbled.  I regrouped and at least pulled in some grace at the last minute to apologize for losing control of my emotions in an unprofessional manner.  I dreaded this evening’s task for months.  I procrastinated and ignored it to the best of my ability.  This task is also one of the items I will be purging in an attempt to live that simpler life, but alas, two more times with this task and I’ll be done.

Yes, I am going to be ambiguous about what task was except to say it was not work related.  What it had that is so bothersome for me is an underbelly.  And a seedy one at that.  Lots of places, companies, governments, institutions, etc. have an underbelly.  I suppose it’s the nature of the beast.  I simply am not comfortable with a position that requires a lot of interaction with the underbelly.  It is easy to control how much underbelly I contend with at work, but this task…not so much.  I tried to hold myself together and remain composed.  I did until the very end and then it came spewing forth.

Mu hubby asked me what I was doing and I said “blogging about tonight.”  The sweet man that he is said I was graceful or gracious simply in that I wasn’t ungracious and I did keep my composure at key times.  He said he would have been more worried if I had been oblivious to the events that occurred during the task as it would demonstrate apathy at new depths for me.  I would love to write that I am apathetic toward the whole thing, but then I would be a liar tonight too.  Big hugs and kisses to my hubby for having my back.

Which he truly did.  I was so upset at one point that I left the room and took a walk with my sons.  They threw coins in the fountains and made wishes.  I thanked them for being so well-behaved tonight.  Meanwhile, my hubby was in the room speaking my mind for me since he knows my stance on the matter.  As my sons and I headed back, my oldest said his wishes came true.  See, I promised I would give them new toys as thanks for their good behavior.  He said one of his wishes was for a new toy.  The other was that I would stop crying.  And they helped me stop crying.  They filled me back up with God’s grace with their warm hugs and accolades for being such a good mommy.  They reminded me I am blessed.

We went back to the room and I read what my hubby had said and it helped me remain composed for the rest of the night.  Until the end when a straw broke the proverbial camel’s back.  I was emotional.  I probably lacked clarity.  I also owned my behavior by going back in to apologize.  Then we went home.

Yes, simplicity and grace were challenged, I did stumble, but I regained my footing with the help of my three stooges and I will learn from the experience.  Walking away is always an option.  It is a simple and graceful option.  Simplicity and grace, I seek you still.

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