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Caterpillar Whisperer

June 12, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

My youngest found a caterpillar a few weeks ago and named him Steve.  Steve was set up in the bug playground.  It’s a bug box, but with miniature playground equipment ( a very cool present for my boys from my boss).  The boys kept adding grass and leaves thinking that’s what Steve was eating, while I made sure the cotton ball stayed moist with sugar water.  Steve made a cocoon in about a week.

My youngest was sad that Steve was following his life course, felt lonely, and found another caterpillar.  The bug playground could really only support one caterpillar, plus Steve had attached his cocoon to the flip top so to open it would probably kill the little guy.  We made another bug playground out of a to-go container.  This caterpillar was named Steve Montgomery (my son’s middle name, to distinguish the two Steves).  More leaves and grass, another cotton ball with sugar water, and another cocoon.

Steve Montgomery emerged today a beautiful moth.  My little guy released him into the world while shedding tears that his little metamorphosed friend was leaving him.  It’s a good way to learn about how life goes, an awesome experiential learning moment and a demonstration of amazing luck that the caterpillar survived the process and emerged a beautiful moth.

We’re still waiting on the other Steve.

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Abba

June 10, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

Abba…not the Swedish pop group.  What do you see when you think of God?  I’ve always connected more on an auditory level, conversations with Him and such, but what do you see when you think of Him?  And as we discussed tonight in my group from church, Him?  Or Her?  Or simply spirit, a being, encompassing all traits and aspects of humanity?

In my quest for simplicity, can I be strong enough to also simplify my image of God to finally acknowledge what I have thought, felt, known for a long time?  That the being of God is simply too much for me to fathom until I am called home?

I used to picture God as a spiritual light being like when the Mystics and Skeksis were brought back together into one being, healing the crystal, and becoming once again the UrSkeks in The Dark Crystal.  Then Les Miserables provided me with a new image as I got older…”to love another person is to see the face of God”.   Long story short, my mind cannot fathom the image of God.  I have images that I connect with my relationship with God.  One is of hands, strong hands, comforting hands.  This, I am sure, is influenced by the fact that my dad was an Allstate agent.

But I also have images of nature, of acts of kindness, of acts of destruction that connect me with God.  It is easy to see God in kindness, love, and empathy.  It took me longer to see God in acts of destruction.  To see God weeping.  I feel God mourning when the act of destruction is caused by a human.  I know I have abused the concept of free will in my lifetime, I know I will again.  Ironically, it’s because I am human.  I can strive and strive to own free will and walk the path that Jesus has taught me, but I will fail.  It is what I do when I fail that matters.  It is taking ownership, it is being accountable that makes me stronger in my faith.  As I continue to improve that part of myself, I’ll fall less and less.

During our get-together tonight, I had so many pop cultural references pop into my mind.  This could mean that I have absorbed too much entertainment over the years.  It could also be a reflection of how long and how frequently society, generally speaking, tries to understand God.  Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty, Oh God, “What If God Were One of Us?”, Dogma, The Ten Commandments, The Passion of the Christ, “Personal Jesus”, “Losing My Religion”, Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, The Book of Mormon, The Seventh Sign.  How often societies try to understand their own religions…we can look back to the ancient Greeks and the Romans with all the mythology.  Well, what we call mythology but what to them was real.

I love exploring the aspects of my faith.  I love walking on my journey with God.  I am blessed to have my husband, sons, and church family to walk with on this road.  We all have our own individual paths, but they intersect often enough to celebrate our blessings.

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My lunch with Kenneth part 2

June 6, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

Okay, I probably sound silly writing about this since I haven’t seen the movie yet, but Thor rocks.  The reviews I have read are all positive, people are liking it and it made millions and millions of dollars in a respectable time-frame.   Go Kenneth.

My favorite review (I believe in EW) spoke of how it brings an innocence back to comic book movies.  I immediately thought of Superman (of course I mean the Christopher Reeve one).  The level of escapism in Superman was wonderful.  You felt as though the world did have villains, true, but Superman was there to save the day.  He was a nice guy.  Honest guy (“…Pink.”).  You trusted in Superman.  That’s what I’ve read about Thor.  And face it, with a comic book rooted in mythology it doesn’t hurt to have someone like Kenneth bringing it all together.

The next topic I would bring up would be the return of Wallander.  I’ve heard rumors and I hope they are true.  I didn’t think I would like the character or movies, but I love them (from BBC, I watch them on Mystery Masterpiece on PBS).  They are such an interesting character study-of Wallander, the country, and the criminal mind.

I would also have to discuss the role of Sir Larry…I know Kenneth wasn’t the first choice (duh…how’d they miss that one?).  I think it’ll be an interesting movie, but I’ll be watching for Kenneth.

I don’t go to the movies much nowadays.  Too many cell phones, too many dollars, and too many people.  I still wish the movies were at the local four theater cinema in the mall of my childhood.  Better yet, go back to the days when going to the movies was an event and you even dressed for it!  But movies are ten bucks for one (think a dime a dozen raised for inflation).  Movies aren’t EVENTS anymore.  They come in and out of the theaters amazingly fast and most people seem to go for the social aspect rather than the art or experience.  Now the technology can provide such an experience but the glow of the cell phones and the chattering of the crowd interferes too much for me.  I’ll wait for the dvd or bluray or heaven forbid…cable.

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Unattainable Expectations

May 23, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

Wilson said to Cuddy in an episode of House that women set unrealistic expectations and then overly criticize themselves when they don’t reach them (I paraphrased).  My husband says this to me all the time.  I do set unrealistic expectations and beat myself up when I don’t achieve them-regardless of the fact that no one could achieve them in the manner and time-frame I set forth for myself.  I am attempting to change this habit and the results will be twofold if I achieve the change.  I am already prepared for the reality that this change will take time.  But the twofold payoff is a valuable incentive.  Be the turtle and that big calling.

The first payoff is that I will transform myself from the hare into the turtle.  I always rush through things to be able to check them off of my list and in the process I miss the joy of the journey.  Becoming a mother began this transformation, but I have been resisting it in all areas of my life.  See, childbirth doesn’t go by the schedule I put forth.  I had to be the turtle in that instance.  My sons were going to come out when they were ready and only after patiently going through the process of giving birth.  So I savored each of their births and each was different from the other.  I have embraced my boys uniqueness since their births and they have proven to be very different boys .  But I will confess that I have not always been a turtle when it comes to them growing up.  Obviously I can’t make them grow faster than the good Lord intends them to, but I also have to keep myself in check to let them be the age they are and not rush them through to the next phase, because the contrived development can be sped up.  I want them to stay in childhood for as long as it is healthy for them.  I want them to believe in as many things for as long as possible.  There is no way of knowing if this helps builds their faith in other things, but I figure it won’t hurt.  So I strive to be the turtle.  Take it slow, enjoy the journey, smell the roses, and see the scenery in all its glory.

The other benefit of theoretically lowering standards and extending personal deadlines relates to the big calling I’ve been pondering over.  I have this life and need to make it what I want it to be.  I want to suck the marrow out of life.  One could miss opportunities for sucking the marrow if you’re always on a deadline.  You could also neglect the gifts that God gave you and miss hearing your calling.  I am striving to embrace me for me again.  I always think of the line from This Is Spinal Tap when the band is checking into the one hotel and they mock the guy behind the counter (I think the neighbor from The Jeffersons played the guy) and he responds “I am just as God made me.”  Dude, he’s so right.  I am just as God made me.  My faults are only faults if I don’t acknowledge them or try to improve upon them.  My quirkiness is a gift.  I still don’t always know when to “hide” it, but if people don’t get it, they can deal with it.  It is one of my gifts to see the world a little skewed.  It is a gift to remain optimistic.  It is a gift to resist cynacism.  It is a gift to still have child-like belief and fascination with the world.

Did you ever see the live-action film of Scooby Doo?  Scooby is the office of the owner of Spooky Island.  He sees a bobble head and keeps playing with it till the owner tells him to stop it.  My boss has a bobble head of our school’s mascot on her desk.  One of the secretaries brought it in and asked if one of us wanted it.  It sits on my boss’ desk because I would sit there all day making it bobble if it were on my desk.  The wonderful simplicity of a bobble head amuses me.  The joy my sons have when I bring out the face paints.  The joy of temporary tattoos is another great thing.    I’m digressing somewhat, but my point is that I don’t have to always be a grown up.  Who wants to be that?  I know when and where and how to fit into the different circumstances, but dagnabbit, the rest of the time I can my own quirky self.

It returns to my earlier posting about rediscovering the audacious self.  Letting go of societal standards except when absolutely necessary.  It returns me to Hank.

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

The simple things at a turtle’s pace with standards that are actually achievable.  A bobble head bobbles.

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Simplicity and grace strongly challenged

May 20, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

and I stumbled.  I regrouped and at least pulled in some grace at the last minute to apologize for losing control of my emotions in an unprofessional manner.  I dreaded this evening’s task for months.  I procrastinated and ignored it to the best of my ability.  This task is also one of the items I will be purging in an attempt to live that simpler life, but alas, two more times with this task and I’ll be done.

Yes, I am going to be ambiguous about what task was except to say it was not work related.  What it had that is so bothersome for me is an underbelly.  And a seedy one at that.  Lots of places, companies, governments, institutions, etc. have an underbelly.  I suppose it’s the nature of the beast.  I simply am not comfortable with a position that requires a lot of interaction with the underbelly.  It is easy to control how much underbelly I contend with at work, but this task…not so much.  I tried to hold myself together and remain composed.  I did until the very end and then it came spewing forth.

Mu hubby asked me what I was doing and I said “blogging about tonight.”  The sweet man that he is said I was graceful or gracious simply in that I wasn’t ungracious and I did keep my composure at key times.  He said he would have been more worried if I had been oblivious to the events that occurred during the task as it would demonstrate apathy at new depths for me.  I would love to write that I am apathetic toward the whole thing, but then I would be a liar tonight too.  Big hugs and kisses to my hubby for having my back.

Which he truly did.  I was so upset at one point that I left the room and took a walk with my sons.  They threw coins in the fountains and made wishes.  I thanked them for being so well-behaved tonight.  Meanwhile, my hubby was in the room speaking my mind for me since he knows my stance on the matter.  As my sons and I headed back, my oldest said his wishes came true.  See, I promised I would give them new toys as thanks for their good behavior.  He said one of his wishes was for a new toy.  The other was that I would stop crying.  And they helped me stop crying.  They filled me back up with God’s grace with their warm hugs and accolades for being such a good mommy.  They reminded me I am blessed.

We went back to the room and I read what my hubby had said and it helped me remain composed for the rest of the night.  Until the end when a straw broke the proverbial camel’s back.  I was emotional.  I probably lacked clarity.  I also owned my behavior by going back in to apologize.  Then we went home.

Yes, simplicity and grace were challenged, I did stumble, but I regained my footing with the help of my three stooges and I will learn from the experience.  Walking away is always an option.  It is a simple and graceful option.  Simplicity and grace, I seek you still.

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Simplicity vs. mediocrity

May 16, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

Salieri said he was the patron saint of all mediocrities in Amadeus.  It is easy for a person to fall into the opinion that she is mediocre.  I’ve attended that pity party for too long.  I wrote of my desire to live simply and that is a much better place than a desire to live with mediocrity.  I took small steps yesterday toward that goal.  After adding a number of items to the recycling bins and filling a trash bag (some things just have nowhere else to go), I realized I am applying what I teach to others about procrastination.  Thirty minutes a day on an undesirable task and eventually it will be done.  If I can’t handle the thirty minutes I can surely handle the “Tolerable Ten.”  Any task can be tolerated for ten minutes.  I am also using rewards.  This may make me sound like a ten-year old, but these habits have been with me since I was about that age and I need rewards as I try to break the habits.

My reward tonight was to watch House without multi-tasking.  It was lovely.  I used to have several shows that I enjoyed and made a point of regularly watching.  I’m down to just House.  As shows have gone off the air, I haven’t found new ones to replace them.  I don’t like “reality” television because I know there is nothing real about it.  I went on casting calls for a few back in the day.  And yes, I’ll show my age, former shows included Cheers, Friends, X-Files and Monk.  I do enjoy the Wallander movies and word is that dear Kenneth will be treating me to some more even as the author announced he is done writing about Kurt.  I usually multi-task while watching television shows but tonight I waited to put the laundry in the washer till after the show.  I didn’t have the rhythmic spinning of the tub to distract me and I didn’t feel the self-imposed pressure to switch the clothes to the dryer when the cycle was done.

As House tried to remove his tumors, my boys were in their room reading the I-Spy book together.  They had already eaten dinner (stroganoff, crescent rolls, and tomatoes covered with mayo, salt & pepper-the favorite summer veggie).  We had talked about their school days and the fact the both had substitutes today.  Harrison and I talked about not faking “the sicks” and spending the morning at the nurse’s office anymore.  Hamilton tried to convince me he had milk with lunch and could have orange juice with dinner.  When I explained I can see every single item they purchase for lunch (including the extra snacks) he changed his tune and welcomed the glass of milk.  They cleaned up their train set-up, brought in the recycling cans and brushed their teeth.  I watched House, guilt-free and totally focused.

Parenting has always been a challenge.  It doesn’t matter when you were starting out as a parent, society was telling you how to do it.  Today seems to be a bit more hyper about telling folks how to do it (many more laws and way more vaccines).  It was so vogue to have your child in EVERYTHING by the time he was two.  We have bucked that trend since day one.  You can be a renaissance man over time, you don’t have to do it all at once.  A couple of years back there were a few articles about not over scheduling your children.  My husband and I said, great now we’re in style.  Our boys play in the dirt, sometimes eat the dirt, and collect bugs.  They “create” germs, write spooky stories, and howl like wolves most nights.  And they know how to entertain themselves while their mother watches her Monday night show.

I am not teaching them that television is more important than them.  I am teaching them that you have to unwind and relax.  You have to stop everything and let your mind be reflective.  Whether it is sitting and watching a show or movie, listening to music, or reading a book, you have to stop going, going, going so you don’t burn out.  And sometimes you need to do this by yourself.  So you can give of yourself fully to others the rest of the time.

After enjoying the episode, I tucked the boys into bed, we said prayers, gave goodnight kisses, and then I put the laundry in the washer.  The clothes are ready for the dryer.  Next I’ll practice my songs for Saturday night.  Then it’s to bed after today’s last dose of antibiotic steroid drops and an ice pack on my left eye for the allergic conjunctivitis.  I can fold the laundry tomorrow.  Ah, simplicity.

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Living Deliberately

May 14, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

Thank goodness for writers far more talented at expression than I am.  This beautiful quotation from our good friend Thoreau covers something I grapple with.  It also reminds me that I do live where I live and have to conform to certain aspects of society.  However, I can spend the rest of my  time living in the ways I want to live.

I wrote the other day of purging things from within.  I also want to purge on the exterior.  Both are difficult to do.  My frame of mind is so in sync with the norms of society and with that phenomenon that grew from the Depression era of saving everything.  Perhaps the time with my great-grandmother influenced me to save everything because you might need it.  I do not want to add to the abundant waste in our world, so I will do my best to recycle or re-purpose items, but there is far too much in my home that I do not need or use to warrant continuing to save it.

“What you call bareness and poverty is to me simplicity. God could not be unkind to me if he should try.”  [Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 5 December 1856]  To live simply in possessions is an aspiration.  How much does one person truly need?  How much “stuff” makes life better?  But still one becomes accustomed to this “stuff” and wonders how will one ever live without it?  What can I live without?

Realistically, I can’t pack up and go to Walden’s Pond living there in harmony with nature for the next two years and two months (I believe that’s how long Thoreau was there).  I can clean out the extra “stuff” that I waste time on and that makes my more-than-big-enough home feel small while also sucking away the time in my day (preventing me from sucking the marrow out of life).  When we were in the beautiful country of India, we saw homes constructed out of three tin walls and a roof reinforced with cow-pies.  Here I sit in a three/four bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home, with more than enough yard feeling that there isn’t enough room.  It’s the “stuff.”  I have “stuff” that I cannot readily identify or even remember its significance.  What I seek is the strength to let go of the practice of keeping the “stuff.”  I have practiced this particular complexity of living for my entire life and succeeding in this major reboot will be challenging.  But when I think of the payoff, I can sense the beauty that will enter my life.

Quotations from http://www.walden.org/Library/Quotations/Simplicity Individual sources listed with the quotes.

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Birthday Parties & Clubbing

May 13, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

As I pulled the too-small toddler back into the seat of the Little Tykes car this evening, I realized we have replaced clubbing with birthday parties.  This is the fourth or fifth birthday party this school year at one of those inflatable party places.  You know them-they’re in an industrial office park, the most random locations.  It dawned on me as the lights went out and the black lights filled the room with their well-known glowy appearance that these places are family clubs.

Loud music?  Check.

Black lights?  Check.

Glow necklace?  Check.

Mosh pit inspired inflatables?  Check.

All that is missing are the drinks and nachos grande.  There are grown-ups wearing inflatable crowns.  True, the hats belong to the birthday kids, but it’s the grown-ups wearing them.

Perhaps this is why I feel a bit of nervousness before coming to one of these parties.  They remind me of clubbing.  Clubbing presented awkward moments-will I know anyone there, will I look like an idiot dancing with my two left feet?  These thoughts are probably why parents like these places.  The awkwardness is removed.  You know you will know someone-you’ve been invited.  You can feel like you’re at a club without paying a babysitter.  Plus you get quality time with your child playing air hockey or going through the giant inflatable obstacle course.

Maybe I’ll have my next birthday party at one of these places…

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Rediscovering the audacious self

May 13, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

audacious: extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless; extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive; fearlessly, often recklessly daring; bold; brave; unrestrained by convention or propriety…I used to be audacious.

I am rediscovering my audacious side.  I wonder when exactly I became so worried about the “norm” (and not our good friend Norm, where everybody knows your name).  But I am taking little steps back to me.  To who I was and who I had thought I would always be.  I’m adding me back to the mix of wife, mother, administrator and the many roles I have in my life.

Tonight when I got home from commencement (quite fun processing in the ceremonies!  Truly enjoyed myself!), I saw my sons across the street playing basketball in the street at the neighbor’s house.  The neighbors weren’t even home.  (Ah, I love our neighborhood-it’s like the one I grew up in!)  Even though I was wearing sandals and a skirt, I jumped right into the game with my sons.  The oldest has a fascination with basketball, but did not want to play rec ball this past winter.  He just likes playing it so he plays.  We had a blast shooting hoops as the sun set and streetlights began to glow.

How is this audacious?  I didn’t ask my sons to wait while I went and changed into “appropriate” clothing.  I didn’t panic at the thought that they were playing ball in the street ( like I did as a kid).  I didn’t grill them about homework or dinner, I just was with my sons.  I just let them be in the moment.  I didn’t kill the moment as I, sadly, typically do lately.  I was child-centered.  I had fun.

I haven’t been having fun.  I’ve been so busy whining about what I don’t like about my life that I’ve wasted time.  Since I can’t actually save time in a bottle, I’ve got to start using time the right way again.  I’ve got to clean out and purge what drags me down and just get on with it.  Carpe diem and all that wonderful stuff.

I sang last night.  Not for an audience unless you count my dog, but for me.  For the pure love of singing, like I used to for hours each day.  Just like my son playing basketball for the fun of it.  The discovery of life is what I have been pushing away from.  I stayed up past midnight.  Yes, I know, I am a grown-up and could do that any time I want to, but I got stupid stuff stuck in my head and stopped sucking the marrow out of life.

Recently my hubby had to bring the boys to school because I had to be at work early.  I was being crazy about him waking up on time.  He asked what would happen if he did oversleep.  I said the boys would be late.  He said (and I quote)…”and?”  I needed that to realize I’ve been sweating the small stuff.  I deny my true self any fun.  Who wants to be around that person?  Not me, that’s why I’m pushing that person out of myself.

My pastor talked about sucking the marrow out of life during the sermon a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve mulled it over, subconsciously, and realized I have to remember do that.  “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived…. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life….”  Discover I had not lived…oh what a dreadful discovery that would be.  I spent time in Concord with my great-grandmother, my Nana.  We went to Walden Pond to simply sit and be with nature.  My appetite for knowledge would be stirred by these trips.  That thirst for knowledge has not been fed for a while, and in fact, it needs to be awakened.  Awakened and shared with my family.

Curiosity, audaciousness, hunger, passion, loving, living…oh to teach these things to my sons would be good.  Best way I know how to do that is to live these things in my own life again.

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Spring

April 27, 2011 by pinkpigrulz

Little league games just finishing as the sun begins to set.  The eerie glow of a dogwood as dusk approaches.  The tune of the Mr. Softee truck as he makes his rounds in the neighborhoods.  Children playing till the street lamps buzz to light.  Grass being mowed.  Grass that needs to be mowed.  Families walking after dinner.  Windows open with a soft, clean breeze blowing in, purging the staleness of winter from the corners of the house.  The need to keep up on one’s pedicure.  Scholastic book fairs at elementary schools.  The countdown to summer vacation begins.  Sleeping with the windows open.  Spring cleaning and yard sales.

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