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Posts Tagged ‘children’

Living Deliberately Slowly

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on June 26, 2011| Leave a Comment »

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

I continue to strive to live as Hank prescribed.  Challenging task to accomplish each day.  In this walk of mine, I stumble regularly and waste energy on things that are not important in the big picture.  How does one stay on the path and not wander?  I don’t play chess, but I know a bit about it.  This walk feels somewhat like a chess game.  You need to know where you want to end up and the eight or nine moves you have to make to get there, planning, of course, for the possible defense put against your moves.  Yet at the same time of planning all of these moves, I remind myself to be ready to throw away the plan for staying in the moment.

As John Lennon sang, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.  I sing that song to my boys each night (they call it the “long lullaby”).  So it is a balance for planning and realizing life happens whether you want it to or not.  How are you going to spend your life?  I have to “practice” certain “complex ways of living” but not all.  I keep finding new ways to “get my feet down to the earth” while I walk this earth.

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Rituals of Childhood

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on June 16, 2011| 2 Comments »

Harrison was sick today with the world’s mildest stomach bug.  We kept him home from school and I went to work a bit late so I could cuddle with him.  Thursdays are one of my late days and  he would be asleep by the time I got home, so I called in to let my boss know I was going to tend to my sick little guy.  Then we cuddled on the couch and I rubbed his back.  The time flew far too quickly and I had to leave.  As we were saying goodbye, my little guy demonstrated how much he has grown up since I started this job.

Do you know the book The Kissing Hand?  Harrison and I have our own version of The Kissing Hand.  We kiss two fingers and link them.  He saw this is what Scott and I do, so Harrison adopted it as our kissing hand.  Hamilton and I do the classic Kissing Hand, but Harrison individualizes himself from his big bro.  Today he initiated it.  First time.  Brought tears to my overly sentimental eyes.

Then Harrison brought me to a full sob.  He said, “Mom, I’ll wave to you from the window.  Like I did when I was three, remember?”  Oh, yes I do remember.  He waved from the living room window to me in the car every morning after I started working outside of the house full-time.  I don’t know who needed that ritual more-probably me.  Another difference today-Harrison didn’t need the step stool to see out the window.

I love that he remembers.  It’s a unique memory for him, separate from his brother’s memories.  We try to give each of our sons unique experiences peppered into their shared childhood together.  They are best friends, greatest enemies, and thick as thieves.  Their loyalty to each other is vast and deep.  I am so thankful to watch their childhood-to step outside on occasion and look inside to see what is important to them, the worlds they’ve created, and the ways they show each other their love.

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Unattainable Expectations

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on May 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Wilson said to Cuddy in an episode of House that women set unrealistic expectations and then overly criticize themselves when they don’t reach them (I paraphrased).  My husband says this to me all the time.  I do set unrealistic expectations and beat myself up when I don’t achieve them-regardless of the fact that no one could achieve them in the manner and time-frame I set forth for myself.  I am attempting to change this habit and the results will be twofold if I achieve the change.  I am already prepared for the reality that this change will take time.  But the twofold payoff is a valuable incentive.  Be the turtle and that big calling.

The first payoff is that I will transform myself from the hare into the turtle.  I always rush through things to be able to check them off of my list and in the process I miss the joy of the journey.  Becoming a mother began this transformation, but I have been resisting it in all areas of my life.  See, childbirth doesn’t go by the schedule I put forth.  I had to be the turtle in that instance.  My sons were going to come out when they were ready and only after patiently going through the process of giving birth.  So I savored each of their births and each was different from the other.  I have embraced my boys uniqueness since their births and they have proven to be very different boys .  But I will confess that I have not always been a turtle when it comes to them growing up.  Obviously I can’t make them grow faster than the good Lord intends them to, but I also have to keep myself in check to let them be the age they are and not rush them through to the next phase, because the contrived development can be sped up.  I want them to stay in childhood for as long as it is healthy for them.  I want them to believe in as many things for as long as possible.  There is no way of knowing if this helps builds their faith in other things, but I figure it won’t hurt.  So I strive to be the turtle.  Take it slow, enjoy the journey, smell the roses, and see the scenery in all its glory.

The other benefit of theoretically lowering standards and extending personal deadlines relates to the big calling I’ve been pondering over.  I have this life and need to make it what I want it to be.  I want to suck the marrow out of life.  One could miss opportunities for sucking the marrow if you’re always on a deadline.  You could also neglect the gifts that God gave you and miss hearing your calling.  I am striving to embrace me for me again.  I always think of the line from This Is Spinal Tap when the band is checking into the one hotel and they mock the guy behind the counter (I think the neighbor from The Jeffersons played the guy) and he responds “I am just as God made me.”  Dude, he’s so right.  I am just as God made me.  My faults are only faults if I don’t acknowledge them or try to improve upon them.  My quirkiness is a gift.  I still don’t always know when to “hide” it, but if people don’t get it, they can deal with it.  It is one of my gifts to see the world a little skewed.  It is a gift to remain optimistic.  It is a gift to resist cynacism.  It is a gift to still have child-like belief and fascination with the world.

Did you ever see the live-action film of Scooby Doo?  Scooby is the office of the owner of Spooky Island.  He sees a bobble head and keeps playing with it till the owner tells him to stop it.  My boss has a bobble head of our school’s mascot on her desk.  One of the secretaries brought it in and asked if one of us wanted it.  It sits on my boss’ desk because I would sit there all day making it bobble if it were on my desk.  The wonderful simplicity of a bobble head amuses me.  The joy my sons have when I bring out the face paints.  The joy of temporary tattoos is another great thing.    I’m digressing somewhat, but my point is that I don’t have to always be a grown up.  Who wants to be that?  I know when and where and how to fit into the different circumstances, but dagnabbit, the rest of the time I can my own quirky self.

It returns to my earlier posting about rediscovering the audacious self.  Letting go of societal standards except when absolutely necessary.  It returns me to Hank.

“As for the complex ways of living, I love them not, however much I practice them. In as many places as possible, I will get my feet down to the earth.”[Henry D. Thoreau, Journal, 22 October 1853]

The simple things at a turtle’s pace with standards that are actually achievable.  A bobble head bobbles.

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Simplicity and grace strongly challenged

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on May 20, 2011| Leave a Comment »

and I stumbled.  I regrouped and at least pulled in some grace at the last minute to apologize for losing control of my emotions in an unprofessional manner.  I dreaded this evening’s task for months.  I procrastinated and ignored it to the best of my ability.  This task is also one of the items I will be purging in an attempt to live that simpler life, but alas, two more times with this task and I’ll be done.

Yes, I am going to be ambiguous about what task was except to say it was not work related.  What it had that is so bothersome for me is an underbelly.  And a seedy one at that.  Lots of places, companies, governments, institutions, etc. have an underbelly.  I suppose it’s the nature of the beast.  I simply am not comfortable with a position that requires a lot of interaction with the underbelly.  It is easy to control how much underbelly I contend with at work, but this task…not so much.  I tried to hold myself together and remain composed.  I did until the very end and then it came spewing forth.

Mu hubby asked me what I was doing and I said “blogging about tonight.”  The sweet man that he is said I was graceful or gracious simply in that I wasn’t ungracious and I did keep my composure at key times.  He said he would have been more worried if I had been oblivious to the events that occurred during the task as it would demonstrate apathy at new depths for me.  I would love to write that I am apathetic toward the whole thing, but then I would be a liar tonight too.  Big hugs and kisses to my hubby for having my back.

Which he truly did.  I was so upset at one point that I left the room and took a walk with my sons.  They threw coins in the fountains and made wishes.  I thanked them for being so well-behaved tonight.  Meanwhile, my hubby was in the room speaking my mind for me since he knows my stance on the matter.  As my sons and I headed back, my oldest said his wishes came true.  See, I promised I would give them new toys as thanks for their good behavior.  He said one of his wishes was for a new toy.  The other was that I would stop crying.  And they helped me stop crying.  They filled me back up with God’s grace with their warm hugs and accolades for being such a good mommy.  They reminded me I am blessed.

We went back to the room and I read what my hubby had said and it helped me remain composed for the rest of the night.  Until the end when a straw broke the proverbial camel’s back.  I was emotional.  I probably lacked clarity.  I also owned my behavior by going back in to apologize.  Then we went home.

Yes, simplicity and grace were challenged, I did stumble, but I regained my footing with the help of my three stooges and I will learn from the experience.  Walking away is always an option.  It is a simple and graceful option.  Simplicity and grace, I seek you still.

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Simplicity vs. mediocrity

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on May 16, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Salieri said he was the patron saint of all mediocrities in Amadeus.  It is easy for a person to fall into the opinion that she is mediocre.  I’ve attended that pity party for too long.  I wrote of my desire to live simply and that is a much better place than a desire to live with mediocrity.  I took small steps yesterday toward that goal.  After adding a number of items to the recycling bins and filling a trash bag (some things just have nowhere else to go), I realized I am applying what I teach to others about procrastination.  Thirty minutes a day on an undesirable task and eventually it will be done.  If I can’t handle the thirty minutes I can surely handle the “Tolerable Ten.”  Any task can be tolerated for ten minutes.  I am also using rewards.  This may make me sound like a ten-year old, but these habits have been with me since I was about that age and I need rewards as I try to break the habits.

My reward tonight was to watch House without multi-tasking.  It was lovely.  I used to have several shows that I enjoyed and made a point of regularly watching.  I’m down to just House.  As shows have gone off the air, I haven’t found new ones to replace them.  I don’t like “reality” television because I know there is nothing real about it.  I went on casting calls for a few back in the day.  And yes, I’ll show my age, former shows included Cheers, Friends, X-Files and Monk.  I do enjoy the Wallander movies and word is that dear Kenneth will be treating me to some more even as the author announced he is done writing about Kurt.  I usually multi-task while watching television shows but tonight I waited to put the laundry in the washer till after the show.  I didn’t have the rhythmic spinning of the tub to distract me and I didn’t feel the self-imposed pressure to switch the clothes to the dryer when the cycle was done.

As House tried to remove his tumors, my boys were in their room reading the I-Spy book together.  They had already eaten dinner (stroganoff, crescent rolls, and tomatoes covered with mayo, salt & pepper-the favorite summer veggie).  We had talked about their school days and the fact the both had substitutes today.  Harrison and I talked about not faking “the sicks” and spending the morning at the nurse’s office anymore.  Hamilton tried to convince me he had milk with lunch and could have orange juice with dinner.  When I explained I can see every single item they purchase for lunch (including the extra snacks) he changed his tune and welcomed the glass of milk.  They cleaned up their train set-up, brought in the recycling cans and brushed their teeth.  I watched House, guilt-free and totally focused.

Parenting has always been a challenge.  It doesn’t matter when you were starting out as a parent, society was telling you how to do it.  Today seems to be a bit more hyper about telling folks how to do it (many more laws and way more vaccines).  It was so vogue to have your child in EVERYTHING by the time he was two.  We have bucked that trend since day one.  You can be a renaissance man over time, you don’t have to do it all at once.  A couple of years back there were a few articles about not over scheduling your children.  My husband and I said, great now we’re in style.  Our boys play in the dirt, sometimes eat the dirt, and collect bugs.  They “create” germs, write spooky stories, and howl like wolves most nights.  And they know how to entertain themselves while their mother watches her Monday night show.

I am not teaching them that television is more important than them.  I am teaching them that you have to unwind and relax.  You have to stop everything and let your mind be reflective.  Whether it is sitting and watching a show or movie, listening to music, or reading a book, you have to stop going, going, going so you don’t burn out.  And sometimes you need to do this by yourself.  So you can give of yourself fully to others the rest of the time.

After enjoying the episode, I tucked the boys into bed, we said prayers, gave goodnight kisses, and then I put the laundry in the washer.  The clothes are ready for the dryer.  Next I’ll practice my songs for Saturday night.  Then it’s to bed after today’s last dose of antibiotic steroid drops and an ice pack on my left eye for the allergic conjunctivitis.  I can fold the laundry tomorrow.  Ah, simplicity.

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Birthday Parties & Clubbing

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on May 13, 2011| Leave a Comment »

As I pulled the too-small toddler back into the seat of the Little Tykes car this evening, I realized we have replaced clubbing with birthday parties.  This is the fourth or fifth birthday party this school year at one of those inflatable party places.  You know them-they’re in an industrial office park, the most random locations.  It dawned on me as the lights went out and the black lights filled the room with their well-known glowy appearance that these places are family clubs.

Loud music?  Check.

Black lights?  Check.

Glow necklace?  Check.

Mosh pit inspired inflatables?  Check.

All that is missing are the drinks and nachos grande.  There are grown-ups wearing inflatable crowns.  True, the hats belong to the birthday kids, but it’s the grown-ups wearing them.

Perhaps this is why I feel a bit of nervousness before coming to one of these parties.  They remind me of clubbing.  Clubbing presented awkward moments-will I know anyone there, will I look like an idiot dancing with my two left feet?  These thoughts are probably why parents like these places.  The awkwardness is removed.  You know you will know someone-you’ve been invited.  You can feel like you’re at a club without paying a babysitter.  Plus you get quality time with your child playing air hockey or going through the giant inflatable obstacle course.

Maybe I’ll have my next birthday party at one of these places…

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Rediscovering the audacious self

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on May 13, 2011| Leave a Comment »

audacious: extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless; extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive; fearlessly, often recklessly daring; bold; brave; unrestrained by convention or propriety…I used to be audacious.

I am rediscovering my audacious side.  I wonder when exactly I became so worried about the “norm” (and not our good friend Norm, where everybody knows your name).  But I am taking little steps back to me.  To who I was and who I had thought I would always be.  I’m adding me back to the mix of wife, mother, administrator and the many roles I have in my life.

Tonight when I got home from commencement (quite fun processing in the ceremonies!  Truly enjoyed myself!), I saw my sons across the street playing basketball in the street at the neighbor’s house.  The neighbors weren’t even home.  (Ah, I love our neighborhood-it’s like the one I grew up in!)  Even though I was wearing sandals and a skirt, I jumped right into the game with my sons.  The oldest has a fascination with basketball, but did not want to play rec ball this past winter.  He just likes playing it so he plays.  We had a blast shooting hoops as the sun set and streetlights began to glow.

How is this audacious?  I didn’t ask my sons to wait while I went and changed into “appropriate” clothing.  I didn’t panic at the thought that they were playing ball in the street ( like I did as a kid).  I didn’t grill them about homework or dinner, I just was with my sons.  I just let them be in the moment.  I didn’t kill the moment as I, sadly, typically do lately.  I was child-centered.  I had fun.

I haven’t been having fun.  I’ve been so busy whining about what I don’t like about my life that I’ve wasted time.  Since I can’t actually save time in a bottle, I’ve got to start using time the right way again.  I’ve got to clean out and purge what drags me down and just get on with it.  Carpe diem and all that wonderful stuff.

I sang last night.  Not for an audience unless you count my dog, but for me.  For the pure love of singing, like I used to for hours each day.  Just like my son playing basketball for the fun of it.  The discovery of life is what I have been pushing away from.  I stayed up past midnight.  Yes, I know, I am a grown-up and could do that any time I want to, but I got stupid stuff stuck in my head and stopped sucking the marrow out of life.

Recently my hubby had to bring the boys to school because I had to be at work early.  I was being crazy about him waking up on time.  He asked what would happen if he did oversleep.  I said the boys would be late.  He said (and I quote)…”and?”  I needed that to realize I’ve been sweating the small stuff.  I deny my true self any fun.  Who wants to be around that person?  Not me, that’s why I’m pushing that person out of myself.

My pastor talked about sucking the marrow out of life during the sermon a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve mulled it over, subconsciously, and realized I have to remember do that.  “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived…. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life….”  Discover I had not lived…oh what a dreadful discovery that would be.  I spent time in Concord with my great-grandmother, my Nana.  We went to Walden Pond to simply sit and be with nature.  My appetite for knowledge would be stirred by these trips.  That thirst for knowledge has not been fed for a while, and in fact, it needs to be awakened.  Awakened and shared with my family.

Curiosity, audaciousness, hunger, passion, loving, living…oh to teach these things to my sons would be good.  Best way I know how to do that is to live these things in my own life again.

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Spring

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on April 27, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Little league games just finishing as the sun begins to set.  The eerie glow of a dogwood as dusk approaches.  The tune of the Mr. Softee truck as he makes his rounds in the neighborhoods.  Children playing till the street lamps buzz to light.  Grass being mowed.  Grass that needs to be mowed.  Families walking after dinner.  Windows open with a soft, clean breeze blowing in, purging the staleness of winter from the corners of the house.  The need to keep up on one’s pedicure.  Scholastic book fairs at elementary schools.  The countdown to summer vacation begins.  Sleeping with the windows open.  Spring cleaning and yard sales.

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My Lunch with Tom Hanks

Posted in My lunch with..., tagged , , , , , , on January 31, 2011| Leave a Comment »

On the first of many lunches with Tom Hanks, I would have to start with the Toy Story series. Ten years ago it would have started with the Meg Ryan trilogy, but since I’ve become a mother, I finally got sucked into the world of Woody and Buzz.

First, how wonderful to have characters named after a stage of arousal and a stage of intoxication to inspire children. Obviously, those are nods to the parents to give them a chuckle. My husband and I look ahead to when our sons are older and will finally get the joke.  “Yes, when you were younger, Daddy and I had to not laugh when you said you were going to sleep with your Woody and a Buzz.” These are future moments of laughter for our family that we can’t wait to experience.

Like most children who have seen these movies, our sons related to Andy’s sense of play and embraced all of the toys. They have a Toy Story bin. They have some of the actual toys (Woody, Buzz, Slinky Dog, and Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head), but as they are 12 pound actors, they improvised the characters they didn’t have. When they were four and two, they added the “Little Green Men” using these alien-like toys from a happy meal. They didn’t have a “Mr. Spell” so they used another toy that was the same shape and played music when the buttons were pressed. For “RC,” they used a remote control police car till they got a real “RC.” “Rex” was originally played by a T-Rex they already had and was eventually joined by an authentic “Rex.” Hours have passed playing Toy Story. They even asked us to get a recliner so they could send Woody into space like Andy did. We told them to improvise.

And like in the movies, toys have come and gone already in their young lives, but the Toy Story bin never leaves our sons’ rooms. One of them always has it tucked somewhere. “Diego” and “Dora” have been packed away, The Backyardigans are now a closely guarded secret, and The Rubbadubbers went away long ago. Toy Story stays.

I cry every time I watch any of the Toy Story movies. Actually, I cry at any Pixar film (damn them…bloody Pixar making me cry at cartoons…not just quietly misting up, but full out bawling).  The boys are especially fond of TS3 at the moment and became a bit worried today as I cried again watching it. They felt a little better when I clarified they were happy tears, but I think my oldest may have started to understand why TS3 gets me going from the opening scenes.

First, I have those videos of my sons. They’ve heard me say “Pretend I’m not here” and then film them as they play.  They know their rooms are bursting at the seams because it’s harder on me than on them to pack away their toys.  Second, I work at a university. I’m one of the people that welcomes “Andy” every September. I watch as the parents say their goodbyes to their babies’ childhoods. And I know only too soon my sons will be “Andy,” all grown up and thanking their toys for being unconditional friends.

Thus, at my lunch with Tom Hanks, I would thank him for helping to reinvigorate the animated film industry.  I would thank him for creating a character that has taught my sons so many good traits. I would thank him for helping my sons stay young a little bit longer and for creating a touchstone they can return to later when they need to reconnect with their childhoods. I would say thank you for a toy, an action figure and a child’s plaything.

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