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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Parenting Sucks More Than They Tell You

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on May 6, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Sadness, heartache, grief, worry, concern, some more sadness, frustration, anger, are all emotions and feelings I have had as a parent.  I worry about my sons everyday and everyday they find new ways to give me attitude.They are experts at that now and deliver it with such finesse they should offer training workshops on it for other kids.  They always seem to know just how to dig in and make my heart weep just a little bit.  The angry “I know, Mom” response is probably my favorite because it’s rife with the conflict they are feeling.  They do know I am right, and they hate it.  They do know that they know better, and they hate that probably more than they hate me being right.  They get so frustrated that they forgot to make the better choice again.

So I pray every morning on the way to work that they will have good experiences at school each day.  They will make the better choice when facing tricky situations.  They will remember that they are 11 and 9 and should be having fun in their childhoods and not take it too seriously.

They don’t call me anymore after school.  They are too big for that.  Which means when I get home around 6:15 we get to have the conflict about homework, again.  I wish I could make them have the realization that they could have their homework done by 4:30 if they choose to, but I can’t.  So that means resistance when I get home since I want it completed and they want to keep riding their razor ripstiks.  Only one of us can win this battle, and it usually is me, and this is a battle to win.  Smaller ones I let go because the adage is true, you have to choose your battles.

Because at the end of the day, when they are asleep in their beds, and you can still see the baby inside the boy, parenting sucks a little more love into your heart, and it sucks a little more breath away as you listen to them breathe.  Parenting sucks a little bit of cynicism out of your system every day as you listen to their conversations, without them knowing because jeez, Mom, you wouldn’t understand, and you hear the optimism coming from their minds and souls.  It sucks a little bit of your learned prejudices and behaviors out of your system as you remember that these are learned aspects of life.  It sucks a little bit of the tiredness you feel after working all week and infuses you with energy to see their smiles when they wake up in the morning, thinking of the important things in life: playing with Legos, riding a skateboard, staring at the clouds, making your cat dance, picking a flavor of ice cream at White Dotte, arguing who is better, Iron Man or Spiderman, and creating magical treasures using only glue, yarn, and popsicle sticks.  These are some of the secrets they don’t tell you about parenting.

That and the amazingly high number of times you will hear the word “poop” in a day.

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Want some cheese with your whine?

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on March 19, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Yep, I’m gonna whine for a bit. Started the day with Younger Son throwing up because he is so stressed from the situation with another student at school (bully). Got him calmed down and brought the boys to school. I walked them in and went to the main office with Younger Son. I pulled a wee bit of Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment (give my daughter the shot!) simply so the school could have some appreciation for the stress the situation has been causing our family.

Got home, spoke with my boss who graciously offered for me to stay home and catch up on whatever I needed to (laundry, housework, sleep). I did two loads of laundry, walked Rex, got Diet Coke from the Acme, and dropped off ink cartridges at Staples. School still hadn’t called to say Younger Son had gotten sick again so it was nap time. Hubby had lunch.

Then Hubby got sick. He now wonders if it’s a bug, but I think it’s food poisoning. No point in debating it with him. As I like to say to him, “You’re the doc, Doc.”

So we all went to the doctor’s office. Doc saw the doc and we went home. He went to sleep and I emailed the people I was supposed to meet with at church. Fed the boys, dropped Older Son at karate, Younger Son at baseball, grabbed a coffee regular at Dunkin’s, went back to karate, then back to baseball, then home. Showers, desserts, and walk the dog again. Another load of laundry because Older Son needs the same clothes for tomorrow to finish filming in one of his classes. A little homemade MTV with the boys. And now time to collapse in bed. No wine needed.

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I’m just Mom

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on December 17, 2014| Leave a Comment »

The boys have shifted in their way of viewing the world.  I’m just Mom now and they don’t come to me first for things, for help, or with questions.  They are forming their own ideas, learning how to look at things and make their own decisions.  Obviously this is great, but it hurts.  They don’t tell you when you are holding that little baby in the hospital how much it will hurt when Mommy isn’t the first go-to person on the list.  I don’t know anything anymore.  I know I will know things again in about eight years, but right now I’m as dumb as a rock.  It makes me sad that it happened so quickly.  They are 11 and 9, I know it doesn’t seem that quick, compared to heating up something in the microwave, but I blinked and it happened.

Cuddle times are few and far between.  Only occasionally am I asked to put a Bandaid on a cut.  I am still clinging to tucking them into bed at night, but even that is starting to wear on their nerves.  The kiss in the morning while dropping them off at school has become so perfunctory that I won’t force it when they decide to skip it.  I fear that day is right around the corner.

I get so little time with them each day.  It’s hard not to be resentful of my job…it gets eight hours from me each day and my sons get about three.  And during those three hours, errands have to be run, sports have to be practiced, dinners have to be eaten.  Truly it’s not three solid hours.  I guess the resentment will lessen soon since they don’t particularly care whether I am home or not.  I just have to learn how to redirect my energies to other parts of my life.

I just miss them.  I miss them asking to read a book.  To play a game.  To sit together.  I have to ask now.  They ask for the time restrictions to be removed on the computer or to borrow my tablet.  Or they play one of the videogames that I don’t know how to play.  Or they’re in their rooms doing their own thing.  Again, this is good.  They are happy, healthy boys with friends and interests of their own.

Still, I miss them.

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Someone to Sit With

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on September 21, 2014| Leave a Comment »

“Find someone to sit with you.  You’re not strong enough to do it on your own.  No one is.  Find someone to sit with you.” That’s Wallander’s dad’s advice to him.  His father is facing his death and he tells his son to look at the world.  He tells him to find someone to sit with.

Doesn’t matter who, in the end, it’s about having someone to sit with you.  You may start out thinking one person is the one who will sit with you, but you really can’t know what life has in store for you.  If for the person you planned on changes, find another.  Spouse, friend, lover, sister, brother, cousin, child.  Someone.  For me, it’s Hubby.  At times, it’s my boys.  But mostly, my Hubby.

As Pooh always says, it’s friendlier with two.  Say hello to someone today.  Sit with someone today and look at the world.  Don’t miss it.  It’s a beautiful thing.

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The Labyrinth of Motherhood

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , on March 23, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Am I a good mom? Just never know. I do the best I can but some days I question myself more than other days. Today was one of those days. Seems my sons move too much, are too disrespectful, and their behavior is disappointing. Hmmm…that all reflects back on parenting, doesn’t it? The funny thing is they were moving when they were supposed to, and while some choices today were disrespectful, today wouldn’t have happened without two very giving choices they made, and those same choices demonstrated behavior that helped the greater good even if it meant the boys were out of their comfort zones.

We did a skit at church today. That should explain the moving. The children were using masks in a style inspired by a combination of Greek theater and Kabuki for the skit. They moved them and rotated them at specific times. But my sons were the only ones commented about for moving too much. While they didn’t follow directions perfectly throughout the morning (disrespectful and disappointing behavior), if my two sons hadn’t stepped up and taken the two roles they played, the skit would have been a lot shorter. No one else wanted to have a speaking part. Not my sons’ first choices either, but they went out of their comfort zones to help their mom while she was directing yet another skit at church.

What did I learn from today? I know my sons have interests that are not mine and I know they try to support me in my interests. But I won’t make them be in any more skits at church. They’ll have to be jumping up and down, begging to be in it before I’ll think they really want to be in it. I also learned that my sons talk to me about everything and share how they are feeling and that will make a big difference in their lives. Just as I finally realized that they need help remembering to keep their rooms clean, and that cleaning the room when it gets totally out of hand is too big of a job for them alone, I need to not spend as much time on my interests yet. I spent at least 15 hours outside of church working on the skit. That’s 15 hours on lots of wonderful children, but not 15 hours spent in depth with the two children most wonderful to me. While I enjoy keeping a toe in theater, in any capacity, much like when I did Mame, it’s just not quite a good fit yet. Next skit would have to remain self-contained in the time at church. Or maybe someone will volunteer to direct the next one. Okay, and back to reality. I’ll do the first idea-completely self-contained in church!

I didn’t get offered a spring class at the university-cut backs, but the extra time gained from not grading papers has been great. I like finding the silver lining in that. Spending four or five weeks on a skit and on the performance day having my sons leave crying, not the silver lining I was looking for. They helped with the stuff at home so we did spend time together while doing the work, but it was something for my interest, not their interest. I feel like a parent should be supporting their kids more than the other way around. I know kids support their parents–I get that should be there too-but shouldn’t more support being going from parent to child? I’m being selfish if I force them to be dragged to my interests, sacrificing their interests in the process. And being in a skit isn’t really their thing, it’s a “let’s help out Mom in her thing” thing.

It was a day full of ups and downs. I will not remember the skit, not my sons crying about what they were told, but instead remember the deep belly-laughs as we returned home from 7-11 with nachos and Slurpees. I’ll remember how we laughed during our discussion about what to have autographed by David Bowie. I’ll remember that we watched Labyrinth cuddled up on the couch, staying up a little past bedtime in the process.

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Dead Grandma’s Obituary

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , on March 3, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I read it.  Please do not read into this post that I am sad and filled with regret of what could have been.  The lady wasn’t nice, at least not to my mother or me.  The last time I saw her was in an airport and I told her she should treat her mother with respect.  Shouldn’t that have been the other way around?  This is what I found interesting in the obit.  When her husband, my step-grandfather, died, my mother and her children (me and my siblings) weren’t included.

In her obit, we are.

It’s simple.  She controlled what went in Grand-dad’s obit.  I’m guessing my great-aunt wrote Grandma’s obit and she included us because she’s nice.  I find it hard to believe they are (were) sisters.  The obit also mentions “two great grandchildren”.   Did some of my cousins have kids or is that a reference to my sons?  Don’t know and probably never will.  If it is a reference to my sons, it is nice of my great-aunt, but sad because she never met them or Hubby.  Perhaps my great-aunt doesn’t realize that.

And so closes the chapter with that relative.  I’m the type of person that needs to see something to believe it.  Either attend the viewing or read the obit.  Then I believe it.  I felt a calm reading it.  She can’t do anything to hurt my mom again and that’s comforting.  For my mom’s birthday one year, Grandma sent a card with my mom’s (biological) father’s obituary in it.  I guess that was the gift?

One day I’ll explain to the boys about that part of the family.  Or not.

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Dead Grandmas

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , on February 19, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I had a pretty rough day at work.  Then when I got home I learned I had a dead grandma.

At work, I called Hubby during lunch and on the way to my car.  The second call I was crying  and he was freaked out a bit.  I told him I was fine and just wanted him to know I was leaving so amazingly late.  I was worried I had messed up other stuff we were supposed to do.

Once I was home, I said hello to Hubby, the boys, cats, and walked the dog.  Next I vented some more about work to Hubby.  Then I finally called my dad because he had been leaving messages on every phone except my work phone.  My dad likes to converse.  When you call him you need to know that you have at least thirty minutes or so because he enjoys a good conversation.  I love this about him.

Tonight’s call only lasted 17 minutes because he was calling to tell me that my maternal grandmother died two days ago.

I don’t know how I feel about this.  The last time I saw her was in Logan Airport back in 1985.  I told her off because she was being so mean to my great-grandmother.  I loved my great-grandmother a lot.  I didn’t like her being treated badly.  I can’t say I’ve thought a lot about my grandmother in the years that have passed.  After that day at the airport, when she wrote to my mother she would only ask about my siblings, never me.  My mother cut off contact within a few years of that situation.

In my grandfather’s obituary, besides being survived by my grandmother, he was survived by my uncles.  My mother wasn’t included nor were her children.

My grandmother was listed in her boyfriend’s obituary too.  Her boyfriend died before my grandfather.  Yeah, think about that.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

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Rexaco

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , , , on October 17, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Our dear, sweet, little Rex has settled in quite nicely.  Dare I say he is getting too comfortable?  He found the package of little rawhides on the counter and decided to help himself today.  Hubby thinks he found all of them.  He also has begun taking “lovees” from the boys’ rooms.  Rex has his own lovee-a little pig/frog toy.  Plus we bought him a toy chicken too.  But he loves to steal a lovee and run to the living room with it to see if anyone noticed.

Rex has also started snooping in corners, exploring all the nooks and crannies of his home.  He’s almost destroyed my beautiful comforter.  And he enjoys trying to chew on the decorative pillows that match the almost-destroyed comforter.  He doesn’t chew to tear, mind you, but as if it’s a chew toy.  I almost miss the scaredy dog that he was.  Not really, I am so happy he feels comfortable here.  He feels loved.

He makes the rounds if he hears people outside, day or night, and then barks if he feels there is a threat.  Scary bark, which I don’t mind.  Sounds way bigger than he is.  And when he is ready to go to sleep for the night, he jumps up on our bed and gets in his spot.  His spot is actually my spot.

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When I go to bed I have to move him, which is easy enough.  I just slide him across the almost-destroyed comforter.  Once I’m in bed, he sneaks back over so he is right up against my legs.  Hubby says some nights he has to move Rex because he has slowly pushed me over to the edge of the bed.  Impressive considering I weigh quite a bit more than the 46 pounds Rex weighs.

 

 

Hubby says Rex pretty much sleeps all day.  Then when I get home…puppy olympics!  The boys and I take him outside and Rex runs in circles at dizzying speeds around me.  The boys keep him moving until finally Rex collapses on my feet, the sign that he is done and ready to go back to the couch.  This sign usually happens 8-10 minutes after we start.  He is quite the couch potato, except for those 8-10 minutes.

With his gigantic ears, Rex could have been named Gizmo, Gremlin, or Dobby, for a more current reference.  I should get Rex a Dobby lovee!

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What Baked Beans Can Do for Your Family

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on May 1, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Yes…our home is musical tonight.  I’m honest.

We had baked beans and hot dogs tonight.  Younger son helped Hubby grill the hot dogs on the barbeque.  (Older son had helped Hubby last week.)  Hubby made his famous baked beans too.  He used the recipe from one of older son’s cookbooks.  The beans were delicious.  And created so much humor and laughter in our home.

Younger son loves to say the word “fart” over and over again.  Still we cuddled, read a wonderful story, giggled, and tickled.  As I was tickling him, he said in the cutest voice, “I’m going to pee my pants!”  It was too cute!  We talked about how he has been managing in school.  He told me that one of the kids told him to stop moving his head.  Younger son calmly explained to the boy that he can’t help moving his head.  Younger son told me he felt fine about it.  He’s taking ownership and finding his way with the tics.  He feels smarter lately.  He feels like he has super powers.

Older son and I had a long talk about how school is going.  He said classes are fine, but socially….  He is working so hard to not talk as much and he is making huge improvements-at home and at school.  But the other kids are used to him talking too much and he’s stuck with that role in their minds.  His awesome teacher is trying to help break that pattern and he’s going to talk with her tomorrow about the one student who keeps telling him to shut up even though he’s not talking.  He also worries about being cool.  I reminded him that he decides if he’s cool or not.  If he believes he is cool, others will see that and want to hang with him, to be his friend.  I struggled with that for years-I’m hoping, with the way I told him, he’ll understand it sooner.  I explained to older son that while it’s dorky for his mom or dad to give him this pep talk, There Can Be Only One would tell him the same thing (except he would say it in an even cooler way).  I reminded him that There Can Be Only One thinks both older and younger son are cool and a great, huge smile spread across his face.

Family comes in all forms.  Families can be formed through many ways.  Even when a member of the family isn’t in the house, the presence can still be felt.  And all these conversations tonight came together because of the musical baked beans.

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Just wondering…

Posted in Musings and Epiphanies, tagged , , , on December 20, 2012| 1 Comment »

I’m not an expert and this comes purely from curiosity as I listen to many discussions and conversations sparked by the recent tragedy.  I just wonder about this.

Has anyone ever looked at the timing of the following three shifts in America.  The increase of women in the workplace (and thus no parent at home with the kids); the decrease in our students’ test scores (and the increase in students’ apathetic approach to education); and the increase in school/societal violence.

Now before your panties get in a bunch, I said women in the workplace because I’m referring to the feminist movement and the increase of women in the workplace that happened in the 70s-80s specifically.  When the term “latch-key kid” came into existence.  When cable and video games became convenient babysitters.

And before your panties get even more bunched, I don’t care who comprises the family.  I’m talking about having parents who actively raise their own children.  Parents who work together to have someone home with the children after school, during school vacations, to help parent them.  Monitor what the children are watching, playing, and doing after they finish their homework.  Heck, making sure the children finished their homework, reviewed for the test, and asked the questions that were still lingering about that day’s lessons.

Hubby and I each work two jobs.  But one of us is always home with our sons.  This takes a lot of careful and creative scheduling.  It requires sacrifices.  But we want to raise our sons.  We want to help them with their homework, take them to baseball practice.  We want them to learn what compassion, integrity, kindness, responsibility, and so many other values are.  We want to share in the many emotions they feel and will feel as they grow up.  We want to struggle with them as they work through challenges.  We want to help them develop into the young men they are quickly becoming.  I’ve digressed…but as it is for so many right now, my thoughts are swirling.

Still, I just wonder if there is any correlation in the timing of those things.

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